I was an NRL player who locked himself in the toilet to read fantasy books in secret

SBS Australia

a day ago

More than 50 years ago, the women's liberation movement reshaped society's expectations of womanhood. As commentary around 'toxic masculinity' persists today, Insight asks if men need to be liberated from traditional masculinity. Watch episode Male Liberation on SBS On Demand . Many people might look at me, a country boy and an ex-NRL player, and think I seem like a 'pretty tough fella'. Something they may not guess about me, though, is that I'm an avid fantasy fiction reader. I grew up on a cattle property in western Queensland, surrounded by hard country men — who themselves were raised by hard country men. I was a sensitive kid with a vivid imagination who loved (and still loves) magic and dragons. I always felt weird being around gruff, straight-edged men who weren't interested in such things. My first memory of buying a book was at age 6 at my school's book fair. I couldn't read yet, but I would sit down, open the book and pretend to; I remember my older brother mocking me for doing so. I felt I didn't belong, but I find a sense of belonging with books. Stories became my sanctuary, and I'd escape to fantasy worlds where I could be me.
However, I started to hide this part of myself as I grew older.
As a young man, I found myself in cultures — like the NRL — where I felt weakness was a liability, and wonder was for fools. I hid my books in my footy bag, and I would only ever read them in secret — if I could. If we were on an away game — and I was sharing a hotel room with a teammate — I would sit on the toilet for half an hour with the door locked and read my book.
That was how I read because I felt there was no way I could pull out a book about magic or fantastical worlds in front of the boys.
Luke played for the Canberra Raiders NRL team from 2015 to 2019. Source: Supplied Pretending to be someone else What most people didn't see was that from about 2018 to through to 2021, I had severe depression and a harmful gambling addiction. Gambling was how I silenced the inner parts of me that felt rejected. It came at a cost, however — becoming a vortex of pain and misery that lasted years. I think getting up every day and pretending to be someone I wasn't really contributed to this difficult period.
In 2021, I did a month in a rehabilitation clinic for my addiction. This was the catalyst for me that began a journey of positive change in my life.
Looking back, I wonder if it was just a coincidence that my darkest season began after I stopped reading. Maybe. Maybe not. I'll never know. But when I finally accepted and sought help, books returned to my life. And believe me when I say, books were a cornerstone of my journey back to stability. When life became too loud and overwhelming during recovery, books were my safe haven. Along with the professional help I received, books gave me the map back to myself.
Back to magic. Back to the kid I had cast aside when I felt the world told me I had to.
The photo of Luke he has as his phone background to remind himself of his boy self. Source: Supplied Finding role models in fantasy characters I think we currently have a poor definition of what masculinity and strength are. I was given the checklist: money, car, house, status. This is what you do to be successful. I had all of that — earning hundreds of thousands of dollars a year, I drove around in a brand-new car, lived in an amazing house, had renown and status.
And yet I was the most broken, shallow, hollow, miserable person or version of myself that I've ever been.
I think that boys are starved of stories that teach them how to feel. We give them stories of action and fighting. Rarely do we give them stories of affection and intimacy. We then question why they're emotionally cold. Why they become men who can't cry. Why they don't know how to ask for help. In my eyes, a man worthy of being a role model is someone who takes responsibility for their mistakes and is willing to talk about them — not someone who tries to pretend they're perfect. I've found many of my role models within books. Some of the best role models in the world are made-up characters.
Fantasy books let boys journey with characters who are flawed and who doubt themselves. Characters who wrestle with shame and fear but still have the desire to grow and overcome adversity.
'A boy who reads will know better' Books give boys a platform to understand themselves. It keeps magic alive inside them as they grow up. The world is going to challenge them every day. It might try to box them in, define them by what they earn, what car they drive, how much they lift at the gym, tell them that softness is weakness. But I know firsthand that a boy who reads will know better — even if it's not right away. He knows that heroes are flawed and imperfect. He knows that what makes them heroes is that they don't give up when times are tough.
He knows that inside him, that same strength waits patiently.
Luke has found role models within the pages of his favourite fantasy novels. Source: Supplied Now for the first time at age 30, through BookTok (the TikTok book community), I have other blokes (and women) to speak to about dragons and magic. I believe magic is real and it permeates our world. It's real in the stories that wrap around us and remind us of who we are. It's real in the boy on the cattle property pretending to read. It's real in the man who picked fantasy books back up in his darkest season. It can be real for all boys if they continue to read; I think it's important that they do. I don't want young men and boys to go through what I went through. I want them to pursue magic and wonder — whatever that looks like to them. For gambling addiction support you can visit the National Gambling Helpline or call on 1800 858 858. All services are free, confidential and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. For crisis and mental health support, contact Lifeline (13 11 14), SANE Australia (1800 187 263) or 13Yarn (139 276), a 24/7 Aboriginal & Torres Strait Islanders crisis support line.