What is 'floodlighting' & why are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to engage in it? Experts explain

Yahoo

09-07-2025

From trauma bonding to love bombing, it seems like there is always a new toxic relationship behavior causing discourse on social media, but now there is a new dating trend on everyone's lips: floodlighting.
And no, we're not talking about those bright lights in parking lots. Floodlighting is a dating trend where people overshare traumatic experiences in a brand-new relationship as a way to cement a bond.
It may not be exclusive to LGBTQ+ relationships, but the queer community is uniquely susceptible to both floodlighting a new partner or being a victim of this technique that can be done unintentionally or as a premeditated manipulation technique.
To breakdown why floodlighting is such a problem, how it impacts queer relationships, and what you can do if you're being floodlighted, PRIDE talked to Laurel Roberts-Meese, the clinical director at Laurel Therapy Collective, double-board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Hamilton Gaiani, and licensed professional counselor at Being Real Allison Briggs.
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'It's when someone discloses deeply personal or emotionally intense information early in a relationship — not for the sake of authentic connection, but to gain control, closeness, or reassurance. It's an attempt to bypass the natural progression of trust-building,' Briggs tells PRIDE.
Author Brené Brown coined the in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead as way to explain the behavior of people who use intense oversharing as a way of 'soothing one's pain, testing the loyalty and tolerance in a relationship, and/or hot-wiring a new connection' to speed through the early stages of a relationship where you are slowly building trust and emotional closeness. Floodlighting is used to gain control and closeness, rather than to build an authentic connection.
'Floodlighting is a controlling action where an individual deliberately bombards their partner with exaggerated emotional reactions or comments, typically to make the other individual doubt their own senses or reality,' Dr. Gaiani explains. 'It's a controlling action to disorient the other individual, typically to deflect attention from the real problems or control the situation. The action is emotionally draining and can be extremely harmful to one's mental health.'
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Floodlighting can happen in any type of relationship, but queer people are more likely to floodlight a partner or be the victim of this toxic dating behavior.
People usually floodlight a new partner as a way to create the illusion of intimacy and deeper connection, but it may happen even more in LGBTQ+ relationships because same-sex or T4T may fall into this trap more easily since they may already 'feel a deeper sense of connection over shared social and lived experiences,' Roberts-Meese says.
Queer people are often dating within a small community that can feel close-knit and crave found family which can lead people to fall prey to floodlighting or be more likely to floodlight a partner without recognizing how toxic the behavior can be. Identity-related trauma (like being outed, family rejection, discrimination) and histories of marginalization are often shared to build a sense of belonging or visibility, but with floodlighting, those shared experiences are brought up too early in an attempt to manipulate.
'LGBTQ+ people have a greater need to create community and found family, especially if they have experienced family, religious, or community rejection,' she explains.
It may also be harder to break away from a partner who is a toxic floodlighter if you're queer. 'Internalized issues, stigma and social pressure within the LGBTQ+ community may complicate an individual's ability to recognize or stop abusive relationship patterns,' Dr. Gaiani says.
1. Emotionally dumping on a new partner without consent before trust or a deep connection has been established.2. Sharing graphic details of abuse, trauma, or family estrangement on the first or second date.3. Quickly disclosing past suicidal ideation or mental health diagnosis in a way that puts pressure on the new partner to become responsible for your emotional well-being.4. Oversharing details of past failed relationships to bond and secure trust.5. Sharing a traumatic experience that you haven't fully processed with someone you just met.6. Divulging things to a brand new partner that you haven't shared with friends, family, or a therapist first.
'Floodlighting can seem similar to love bombing because it is overwhelming the partner emotionally, but love bombing generally starts out as an attempt to control through the guise of affection or attention,' Dr. Gaiani explains. 'Floodlighting, however, will tend to use confusion and emotional manipulation in an attempt to destabilize the partner. Floodlighting also shares some characteristics with trauma bonding, where the person becomes emotionally hooked on someone who is toxic or manipulative because of the highs and lows of the behavior on an emotional level.'
While floodlighting can be incredibly toxic and manipulative, some people also do it unconsciously as a way to deal with 'loneliness, anxiety, or unprocessed trauma' as opposed to doing it with 'malicious intent,' Briggs says.
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Whether it's a red flag depends on how often it's done and the context in which it occurs. 'One instance might just be poor boundaries or nerves. But if someone repeatedly overshares without regard for your emotional readiness or uses vulnerability to guilt, control, or fast-track the relationship, it is a red flag,' Briggs explains.
Dr. Gaiani agrees, 'It is a sign of a toxic dynamic wherein one is attempting to manipulate the other with overwhelming emotional resources. It should be addressed in the early stages, and a mental health professional should be reached out to.'
If a new partner is attempting to floodlight you, you need to set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. This may mean seeking out support from trusted friends or family or going to see a therapist who can help you evaluate the relationship and work through the emotional manipulation you've suffered.
Remember that you are not 'obligated to absorb emotional disclosures you're not ready for,' Briggs reminds us. And you should also be on the lookout for if the new person you're dating escapes, tries to guilt-trip you, or withdraws when you set boundaries.
But what can you say to someone in the moment if they are floodlighting you? Briggs and Roberts-Meese both have some suggestions.
'I want to understand and support you, but this feels like a lot to process right now. Can we talk about this more when we've built some more trust?'
'That's a lot to take in right now. Can we slow things down?'
'Who in your life is supporting you around this?'
If you have a tendency to floodlight new partners, consider slowing down when dating and try to find support and connections with your close friends before oversharing traumatic experiences on the first date. If you are dating someone new, try sharing things about yourself in layers, starting with things like hobbies and interests before diving into family dynamics and later traumatic experiences only once you've established trust and intimacy. And consider asking if it's okay to share something deeply personal with a new partner before blurting it out.
'If you notice these tendencies in yourself, it's necessary to see the harm it causes and make an effort to change,' Dr. Gaiani suggests. 'Try doing it with the assistance of a therapist to assist you in resolving the issues that cause this need for control or manipulation, such as unresolved trauma or emotional vulnerabilities.'
So if you're guilty of floodlighting new partners it may be time to do some introspection. 'You cannot skip the foundation of a house; the structure is likely to collapse under pressure if you do. The same applies to relationships,' Roberts-Meese says.
Dr. Hamilton Gaiani, a double-board-certified psychiatrist and recovery advocate and mental health expert at FirePit Health.
Laurel Roberts-Meese, the clinical director at Laurel Therapy Collective.
Allison Briggs, licensed professional counselor and trauma recovery specialist at Being Real.
This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'floodlighting' & why are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to engage in it? Experts explain
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