The Hardest Part Of Watching ‘The One That Got Away' Marry Someone Else

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When Clara first learned that her college crush was getting married, she was heartbroken — because she wished it were the two of them tying the knot.
They were friends in college, and this ex soon became Clara's first queer awakening. '[The crush] was strong enough that I had to admit it, or it would eat me alive,' Clara, who asked to use a pseudonym for privacy, told HuffPost.
At the time, she didn't pursue her crush, fearing it would ruin their friendship. It wasn't until years later that Clara finally confessed her feelings. 'She was really kind, and even implied she might have felt that way too [back then],' Clara said, but it was no longer mutual.
'I do still think about her,' Clara said.
No ex haunts us more than 'the one who got away.' Angela Sitka, licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. 'The phrase 'the one that got away' often reflects a narrative of regret of someone we didn't act on or lost before it had a chance to see where it would have gone.'
Even if it's been years since you've had any contact with them, when you see them hit a milestone like getting married or moving to a new city, it can trigger past feelings and reignite hope that you didn't even realize you were holding on to.
You can even be happily married to someone else and still experience waves of sadness, anger, guilt or regret. Sitka noted that all these emotions are normal.
'There can also be frustration and anger at them for moving on and at yourself for not taking action sooner,' Sitka added, which is how Clara felt when she realized her crush moved on. She wondered whether she could ever have the beautiful married life she had envisioned for herself with someone else.
'Even though my brain understands that I'm romanticizing her, the fact that we never dated makes it impossible to have any actual perspective on what it would have looked like to be together,' said Clara.
Why it's so hard to move on from 'one who got away.'
With a typical breakup, there is more context and clarity as to why things didn't work out, Sitka said. But if your 'one who got away' is a crush you didn't act on or a missed connection, those encounters are open-ended. In these cases, you're more likely to home in on the details of a missed connection, leading to feelings of longing and regret, Sitka added.
There's also a fantasy component to these exes. You idealize what this connection could've become if you had actively pursued it or done something differently to save your relationship.
'Our brains are wired to ruminate on situations where we believe different actions might have changed the outcome,' explained Sitka. So, while being rejected or broken up with is painful in the moment, the thought of not knowing if there could have been a deeper connection is more intrusive in the mind.
That was the case for Matthew Walters, who had a difficult time moving on from his college ex-girlfriend. The two dated for a year and a half, but they broke up after her grandmother passed away. 'And at the time I was so caught up in my own stuff that I wasn't really present for her for that,' Walters recalled.
After the breakup, Walters moved back home and continued to think about what he could have done differently.
'I remember just being depressed that whole summer and really kind of kicking myself for screwing things up,' Walters said. For the next few years, he would constantly check in on her through mutual friends, trying to find out what was going on in her life.
'I dated other people, but I was always measuring them up to her and the fantasy of what was,' Walters said.
Lastly, as Sitka pointed out, these emotions you have about 'one who got away' are not so much about the person you connected with, but the nostalgia surrounding them.
'We might long for remembering the version of ourselves we were with them. Maybe we felt more spontaneous, youthful or adventurous,' Sitka said. 'The pain isn't just about the person—it's about mourning the potential and the version of ourselves we imagined we could have been with them.'
So, how do you get over them for real?
Romanticizing someone from the past can make it difficult to be emotionally present in current relationships, Sitka said. But it is possible to move on.
Regardless of whether it was a crush that you didn't pursue or a relationship that didn't sync up, the first step is to accept your feelings.
'A therapist can be especially helpful in exploring the deeper narratives underneath the attachment,' said Sitka. 'For example, is your holding on to the one that got away reflective of a deeper fear that you won't find love ever again? Therapy can help separate the emotional truth from the storylines that are keeping you stuck.'
A therapist can also help you work on inner healing, especially if you feel like that 'one who got away' was your only chance of love. 'Sometimes, the reason it's so hard to get over the one who got away is because we tie that person to our sense of self-worth,' added Sitka. 'That scarcity mindset that says, 'I'll never meet someone else like that again' can be a powerful narrative.'
For Clara, speaking with a therapist made her realize that she was idealizing her crush, which allowed her to move on.
As tempting as it is to want to keep up with your ex, that's only going to fuel your 'what ifs. 'People often believe they should stay friends to be 'the bigger person,' but that can blur boundaries and keep the hope alive,' Sitka said. 'If you're constantly checking their social media, reaching out under false pretenses, or waiting for them to return, it may be time to ask: What am I really hoping for?'
So hit that mute button on your social media ― or, better yet, unfollow them. And try not to fish for updates from mutual friends, and even if they mention them, try changing the subject. Sitka also suggests avoiding events and places where you know they'll be, at least while the feelings are still raw.
To maintain this distance, it can also mean asking friends and family not to bring the person up in conversation, and letting them know you're working on moving forward, Sitka added. 'If they catch you slipping into a nostalgic or obsessive loop, they can gently remind you of the boundary you've set.'
Lastly, it's important to remember that these people are often based on a fantasy you've created in your mind. The fact that they didn't work out doesn't mean you missed out on an amazing partner or that this person would make a better one.
'What often keeps people stuck is not the actual person or relationship, but the story they've built around it,' Sitka said. Instead, think about what your needs are and the qualities you'd want in a future partner. 'The truth is, if you had a meaningful connection once, you are capable of creating that again.'
For Walters, hearing the news that his college ex-girlfriend had gotten married was the wakeup call he needed.
'When I found out that she had gotten married, at first I was kind of upset, because I thought, Well, there goes any chance of anything ever happening. But it also [made me realize] how I had been wasting so much time pining after what was really a short relationship for people who were young and didn't really know much about the world.'
Do we ever actually get over them?
With time, things do get better. But it's totally normal to have some lingering thoughts. 'Healing doesn't have to mean erasing every thought or emotion about this person. That's an unrealistic expectation,' said Sitka. 'The goal isn't to get over it, but to stop letting it run your life.'
Instead, reframe it this way: 'Being able to say, 'That relationship was special, and I'll find something meaningful again someday,' is a healthier, more realistic type of self-talk that doesn't downplay or dismiss the experience with your past person,' said Sitka.
Both Clara and Walters were able to come to terms with their past relationships.
'[My former-crush] married a brilliant, gorgeous, kind woman who is a wildly talented writer and a great human being. I'm happy for them and sad for me too,' said Clara.
'I'm happily married to the love of my life,' Walters said. 'I can't imagine another relationship with somebody else.' He has been married to his wife, Orna, for 17 years, and they have co-written a book together, titled 'Getting It Right This Time.'
And as for his ex, she's doing great as well, still married and raising her three kids. Walters' finding happiness in his life has led to this realization: 'I know that that was never meant to be my life.'
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