‘Love doesn't fit neatly into categories': How embracing label fluidity is changing the dating game

Cosmopolitan

7 hours ago

It was a surprisingly tender moment, in what was an otherwise brash and bad-tempered series of Celebrity Big Brother. JoJo Siwa, originally of Dance Moms fame, sat alongside drag queen Danny Beard and reflected on whether she's been using the wrong label to describe her sexuality.
'I feel so queer,' she told Beard. 'I've always told myself I'm a lesbian. I think being here, I've realised I am not a lesbian, I'm queer — and I think that's really cool. I'm switching letters! I've dropped the L and I've gone to the Q baby! That's what I love about sexuality.'
Despite this (very public) revelation, the 21-year-old faced significant backlash after she chose to break up with her non-binary partner Kath Ebbs to start dating Chris Hughes, her fellow CBB housemate, after the latter pair formed a strong connection on the show. The pair initially said their relationship was platonic, before pictures of them kissing while on holiday were shared in tabloids — and Siwa confirmed things were no longer platonic in an interview with The Guardian.
Naturally, some corners of the internet didn't respond too kindly; some described her as an 'ex-homosexual', while even Miley Cyrus joked she was going to 'bring Siwa back out of the closet' (Siwa since responded that it was 'all love' between her and the 'Flowers' singer).
Social media discourse aside, Siwa is far from the first person to experience a sense of 'label fluidity'. In fact, as per a new Hinge report, it's now an increasingly common phenomenon.
According to Hinge's findings, 28% of daters, both LGBTQ+ and heterosexual, say that developing an attraction to someone new has shifted the label they use to describe themselves. And it's younger people leading this charge, with Gen Z LGBTQ+ daters 39% more likely to have reconsidered their sexuality label in response to an unexpected attraction.
But what exactly is label fluidity? For Hinge's love and connection expert Moe Ari Brown (who uses he/they pronouns), the concept merely means not boxing yourself into a category or limiting romantic categories.
'Label fluidity is about having freedom to update our identities as we learn about ourselves,' Brown tells Cosmopolitan UK. 'It's about focusing on connection, and I think it just really speaks to how people are wanting to evolve labels around sexual orientation.'
There's certainly a sense of label fatigue, particularly among some members of the LGBTQ+ community. Hinge's survey found 45% of LGBTQIA+ daters have considered dating someone outside the gender or gender expression they're typically attracted to. However, there is a pressure to present in a particular way, with 50% of LGBTQIA+ Hinge daters saying they've felt the need to appear more masc or femme in order to attract someone.
'Love doesn't fit neatly into categories,' says Brown. 'We know that when we actually meet people, or we find people that we like, there's so many things about them that surprise us or that we didn't expect. And love really follows that cadence, or it leans more towards resonance than type. Attraction is deeper than looks, presentation, or identity markers.'
'We live in a world that tells us who to love more times than it teaches us how to love,' they continue. 'People are tired of the labels not doing the work of actually telling us how we can make genuine, authentic connections.'
'Labels were created to offer us clarity around identity, and, especially in the LGBTQ+ community, they have been helpful guideposts to help other people understand our differences. But when they become restrictive, they're more like performances and no longer so celebratory.'
This is something actress and author, Charlie Craggs, a trans woman, has noticed. When she first transitioned, she initially only dated cissexual, heterosexual men, but has since broadened her previously narrow horizons.
'I've always been rigid in who I dated and what I thought I was attracted to — I think partly out of insecurity,' she tells Cosmopolitan UK. 'As a trans woman, early on in my transition I felt validated if a straight guy found me attractive. I've grown a lot since then, and have realised now it's not so much the straight part, or even the man part I'm into, but more so just being with someone with a more masculine energy than my own.'
'I realised my attraction towards masculinity doesn't exclusively limit me to straight men because there are straight men who aren't masculine; there are women (or even non-binary people) who are masculine; and there are men who aren't straight, like bi/pan guys, who are masculine. I also started to think more about the type of masculinity I like and realised contrary to the guys I've exclusively dated up until now, who have all been super macho (to a detriment), I actually prefer a softer masculinity.'
'The last guy I dated was bi and embodied this sort of softer masculinity than what I was used to and it was the best and most healthy relationship I've had,' adds Craggs.
Brown describes breaking through preconceptions about your initial attractions or labels as 'dating outside your type cycle'. 'There's safety that comes along with labels, and stepping away from that can feel like stepping away from safety,' they explain. 'It makes sense that 55% of Hinge daters have considered dating outside the type cycle, but actually hadn't acted on it due to doubt, fear, or judgement.'
'It's important to notice who energises you and what lights you up as a person,' Brown continues. 'I invite people to notice how they feel when they're with someone or when they're attracted to someone more than they notice the look or the label, or more than they think about what they're expected to do. People need to prioritise whether or not they like the person that they become when they're around someone.'
While label fluidity certainly lends itself more easily to the queer community, Brown says there's no reason why this concept can't benefit heterosexual relationships. 'I think label fluidity invites curiosity around gender roles, and it makes space for emotional compatibility in new ways,' they explain. 'Society has these surface level scripts around how people perform depending on their gender. Label fluidity invites real intention and conversations around strengths that [don't] necessarily have to follow archetypal gender lines.'
While some people may be more willing to date outside their prescribed 'type' and disregard labels they've found restrictive, it's important to note that labels aren't inherently bad. For some, particularly those within the trans community, labels are both important and affirming of their true identity.
'Affirming labels are sacred,' agrees Brown. 'For the trans community, labels can feel loving and celebratory, so it's so important to honour that. However, I want to add that for trans daters, we want to be seen in our wholeness. Most of us don't want to just be affirmed for being trans. There are other aspects of our identities that we want to be seen.'
For people who rigidly find themselves stuck dating a type that simply isn't working for them, the thought of moving beyond to something different (and therefore unknowable) may be overwhelming. But for Brown, merely being open to new opportunities is the vital first step to opening yourself up to new connections.
'If you say on your Hinge profile that you're open to all connections, or you're not defined by type, then that will signal to people that you're trying to match from a place of openness, curiosity, and no judgment,' they say. 'I want people to ask themselves, 'Who would I choose if no one else's opinion mattered?'
Brown is keen to note that it's equally important not to treat dating outside your usual type as merely an 'experiment'. 'Approach the person you're dating from a place of wholeness,' they advise. 'Focus on every aspect of them — whether that's what things they like to eat, what lights them up, what kind of things they are interested in pursuing — and not just on their identity.'
Besides, Brown adds, we all change throughout our lives — why would our dating preferences necessarily remain the same?
'Identity is meant to evolve, and relationships evolve over time, too,' says Brown. 'We should enter relationships with openness and curiosity, and hold that interest throughout. If we do that, then we're setting ourselves up for very beautiful, intentional relationships.'
Craggs agrees: 'This is why it's great to have a fluid outlook — by limiting that, you're only limiting yourself and your happiness.'
Kimberley Bond is a Multiplatform Writer for Harper's Bazaar, focusing on the arts, culture, careers and lifestyle. She previously worked as a Features Writer for Cosmopolitan UK, and has bylines at The Telegraph, The Independent and British Vogue among countless others.