My elderly parents have become cantankerous and refuse to listen to reason

Telegraph

08-06-2025

Dear A&E,
My parents, who are in their 70s, are driving my three siblings and me mad. They are vague with information, complain endlessly about everything but don't seem to want any actual solutions. They have various health issues but they just moan about the doctors without seeing anything through. They are panicking about money but don't want any support: one minute they are selling their house and the next they are not. How can we make them handle things more practically, or let us do it for them?
– Infuriated
Dear Infuriated,
We have a feeling that a lot of people reading your dilemma will be saying, 'Hmm'. Why? Well, it just might be that you are at Everest base camp, complaining about the altitude and the cold, rather than looking up and thinking, 'Holy hell – this is the easy bit. We are going to have to equip ourselves to get up that mountain – as a team.' Brace yourself, Infuriated: your parents are only going to get more frustrating and, probably, crosser. Information is only going to become more opaque. They will likely continue to ignore your advice, and you have no real idea how it's all going to play out. You have little agency here. And, quite frankly (here's the shocking bit), they may be old, but it's still their life and their business.
We are telling you right at the top of this column: choose love. Let go of any illusion that you are going to somehow wrestle control, or that you are going to say one thing and all the cards are going to magically fall into place. Instead, be a sympathetic ear, listen without judgment and don't wear yourself out before you even start the real climb.
Do you remember what it was like being a teenager? You might have teenagers now and are watching them do all sorts of stupid things (as you once did). Did you listen to advice then? Are your teenagers taking notes and nodding enthusiastically as you dispense your wisdom, telling them they should put their studies first or eat more greens or go for a walk? What you wanted from your parents then was just love and minimal intervention, and this is what they want from you now: an understanding ally for when getting a doctor's appointment is impossible, the hospital parking is impossible and the price of whatever is impossible. They don't want your projections or your spreadsheets, just as you didn't want theirs. Sometimes all you need to do is learn how to listen to people complain or wobble, without immediately leaping to offer advice or to fix it.
It's also important to remember that your parents, frustrating and teetering as they may be, might not be ready to sign over their lives; to hand over their decisions; to sell the home they have spent 50 years maintaining. Even though you may feel strongly that you're right, it's a decision that you would make within the context of your life right now – when you are busy and organised and energised. You may not make the same decision 35 years down the line.
So, deep breaths. Listen. If you are still desperate to 'help', you could try a subtle approach. When they're not in the middle of downloading their discontent while also rejecting any advice, you might be able to say something like, 'By the way, if you would like to create a bible of all your passwords, bank accounts and insurance details, so it's all there for you in one place, I'd be really happy to do it.' Make these kinds of suggestions far away from any exasperation or conflict, not when they're moaning about something you've heard them drone on about before, while you are already fizzing and furious. Instead, try 'I was just thinking, would it be helpful if I did this?' You might get a no every time. But one yes might slip through.
We know this is not easy, dear Irritated. While you are busy trying and failing to take care of them in the way you wish to, you are also going to have to honour your own sense of being a child. Respect the fact that, while you're responding as a frustrated midlifer who understands things such as power of attorney, you're also responding as a teenager who finds everything your parents do intolerable, and as a five-year-old who loves them more than you love anyone – and thinks that they can solve every problem in the world. All those things are happening at the same time. And that is what makes this painful.
Love your parents and communicate with your siblings, because this is only going to get more arduous and, ultimately, sad. You and your siblings should try to be a cohesive, united front who can share and support each other, whatever is coming your way. Your parents are going to do what they are going to do. It might get hairy, but really, after all is said and done, you want to be left with good relationships. Choose love, not lectures; and look for the glimmers. You will need them to see you through this.