6 Signs of 'White Knight Syndrome'—Plus, How To Respond, According to a Psychologist
Heroes star in fairy tales and action movies, and it's natural to aspire to be one. However, when these aspirations go too far, they can develop into something called "white knight syndrome." While white knight syndrome is not a diagnosable mental health condition, it can still wreak havoc on interpersonal relationships.Playing "hero" may not seem so appealing when you frame it like that. Understanding the signs of white knight syndrome in someone you know—and how to respond—can save you from unnecessary heartache in the workplace, your family or the dating scene. Here's what psychologists want you to know.Related:If Something Feels a Little Off, Make Sure You're Watching Out for These 40 Relationship Red Flags
It's essentially behaviors and personality transformations used to describe someone with a compulsive need to "fix" or "save" someone, explains , a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor."At times, these behaviors come at the expense of the fixer, AKA the 'white knight,'" Dr. Hormats tells Parade. "It has also been called 'saviorism,' 'the messiah complex,' 'the damsel in distress complex,' 'heroism' and 'white knight narcissism.'"
Dr. Hormats says people often don't feel "pure love" when a white knight gives them something."Rather than feeling supported by the knight's giving, you feel controlled, managed or manipulated," she explains. "In the case of a white knight, their saviorism is based on a fantasy of getting something in return. It's usually to alleviate some form of emptiness from years past: abandonment wounds [and] parentification."Related:
The "gift" or "favors" aren't about making you feel good when dealing with a white knight."It's more about the giver," Dr. Hormats points out. "For example, you may receive a gift you never asked for, unsolicited advice or something you never wanted or needed. The nature of the gift itself is misattuned to who you are and what you need in the moment."
White knights act like they're doing you favors, but you don't feel seen at all."You feel like you don't have much agency," she reveals. "Sometimes, you feel like you don't even exist. Your emotions don't matter. They give whether you ask for it or not."Related:
Dr. Hormats says that the white knight's acts of giving don't bring you closer as a couple, colleagues or friends. "In fact, knights may unconsciously use giving as a way to create distance and push away their partners," she explains. "In this way, they may be unconsciously reenacting their early abandonment wounds or attachment traumas with early caregivers. By making you feel controlled or smothered, you may be unconsciously encouraged to pull away."
White knight syndrome is a form of co-dependency."You become psychologically and neurologically dependent on the giver," warns Dr. Hormats. "Addictive neurological systems typically work based on the law of diminishing marginal returns. This means that the early acts of giving may have left you feeling excited, attended to and cared for (think: dopamine, adrenaline, cortisol)."Over time, she says you can become reliant on the "high" of the person's caretaking and rescuing."This is one sign that you may be taking on the role of the 'damsel in distress' who needs more and more rescuing in order to feel secure in the relationship," Dr. Hormats shares. "You may also develop or have a love addiction. Healthier patterns of relationship involve an overall balance of give-and-take. They stimulate neurotransmitters like serotonin and oxytocin."
Dr. Hormats warns that relationships with white knights can get worse over time."As time ensues, you may have entirely abandoned your own feelings," Dr. Hormats says. "You lose sight of your own needs or question your ability to meet them because you become so dependent on the rescuer. You feel especially helpless or broken and question your sense of self and your reality. You may even develop depression or thoughts of suicide because your level of self-doubt is so intense."Related:
Clarity can help you step into your power—seek it out."Whenever the white knight tries to encroach on your ability to take care of yourself, ask them if that is their intention," Dr. Hormats shares. "Ask them about their deeper motivation in the behaviors they are demonstrating for you. Get underneath the 'why' of the rescuing behaviors."Related:
Dr. Hormats shares that communicating and setting boundaries early and often is critical, especially if they're crossed."White knights are often not aware of the degree to which they may be crossing personal or professional boundaries by overextending themselves in your space," she explains.For instance, Dr. Hormats is also an executive coach who regularly sees employees who stay late or pick up everyone else's work off-hours (often before they even know they've been assigned to something)."It's important to explain what about that behavior undermines the health of the team," Dr. Hormats says.For instance, she shares that you might say, 'When you do my job before I've had a chance to start the assignment, it makes me feel like you want to manage and control the tasks I'm responsible for. I would appreciate it if you would stick to the work that you are assigned and allow me to do my job on my own timeframe.'Related:
Your feelings matter."If a white knight is trying to encroach on your boundaries and makes you feel like you are weak, incapable, helpless or dependent, you might consider naming what is happening for you based on their behavior," Dr. Hormats says.She suggests trying to discuss the situation, behavior and the impact it is having on you.For instance, you might tell a white knight that you feel frustrated when they pick up takeout for dinner even though you've decided you want to eat more home-cooked meals. It makes you feel like they aren't supporting your goals to improve your health and the environment.
Up Next:Dr. Catherine Hormats, Psy.D., a psychologist, psychoanalyst and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
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Dr. Sanjay Gupta 00:02:53 Okay, yes, this is a great question. The short answer here is yes, fluoridated toothpaste or rinses are really effective at protecting teeth. One thing I just want to point out, if you look at the sort of overall impact of fluoridating water, the public health community often refers to that as one of the greatest public health achievements over the last century. And for good reason, it's made a huge impact. But at the same time, really since about 1975, the incremental benefit of fluoride in the water has gone considerably down. Why is that? Because around that time, 50 years ago, we started to have fluoridated toothpaste and more widespread access to dental care. So fluoridate toothpaste can make a huge difference. When you think about fluoridatied toothpaste, first of all, for children under the age of three, you don't need very much toothpaste, about a rice grain size amount of toothpaste is good for children under the age of three. That's not very much. 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