How to move past ‘mom guilt' in a world that thrives on it

Fast Company

2 days ago

WORK LIFE
They key is to realize it's them, not you.
[Source Photo: Freepik ]
BY
Jessica Wilen, Ph.D is an executive coach and the founder of A Cup of Ambition, a popular newsletter about working parenthood, the psychology of work, and women in leadership.
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'Mom guilt' is such a familiar phrase that we rarely stop to ask what it really means—or why it's so persistent. It describes that quiet, gnawing feeling that many mothers carry: that we're not doing enough, not present enough, not loving, patient, or creative enough. That we're falling short, even when we're doing our best.
But what if that guilt isn't just about personal choices? What if it's not a private emotional shortcoming, but a reflection of something much larger—cultural messages, historical expectations, and systemic gaps that shape how mothers live and feel today?
This essay offers a different way to think about mom guilt: not as a flaw in individual women, but as a symptom of a society that demands too much, offers too little, and then asks mothers to feel bad about the gap.
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A guilt with no off switch
Psychologically, guilt is often defined as a moral emotion—a response to doing something wrong and wanting to make it right. But mom guilt rarely stems from a specific mistake. Instead, it often shows up as a vague, persistent sense of inadequacy. It lingers, shapeless but heavy.
Because it's so diffuse and constant, mom guilt may be less a personal emotion and more a shared emotional pattern—a kind of cultural atmosphere. Cultural theorist Raymond Williams called this a structure of feeling: not a formal rule, but a common way of feeling shaped by a particular time and place. In this view, mom guilt isn't just something mothers feel—it's something we've been taught to feel.
Where did these expectations come from?
To understand how this emotional pattern developed, we need to look at the historical construction of the 'good mother' in American culture.
After World War II, the ideal mother was cast as a full-time homemaker: white, middle-class, married to a breadwinner, and entirely devoted to her children. Her work was invisible but essential, and her worth came from self-sacrifice.
By the 1990s and early 2000s, that ideal had morphed into what sociologist Sharon Hays called intensive mothering: mothers were now expected to be constantly emotionally attuned, manage every detail of their child's development, follow expert advice, and sacrifice their own needs to do it all. And even as more women entered the workforce, this new model still assumed unlimited time, energy, and emotional bandwidth.
The result? Many mothers felt stretched thin, torn between competing demands: be selfless but successful, always available but independent. Mom guilt wasn't a sign of failure—it was a natural outcome of being asked to do the impossible.
The role of systems—and their silence
These expectations don't exist in a vacuum. They're intensified by how little structural support American families receive. Unlike many wealthy countries, the U.S. offers no guaranteed paid parental leave. Childcare is expensive and hard to access. Most workplaces still operate as if someone else is handling everything at home.
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When mothers feel exhausted or overwhelmed, the message they receive is: Try harder. Be more grateful. Find balance. This reflects a deeper cultural logic—one that blames individuals for structural problems. In this model, the solution to burnout is self-help, not social change.
Mom guilt thrives in this space. It turns systemic failure into personal shame. It keeps women striving, quiet, and inwardly focused—wondering if they're doing enough, instead of asking whether society is.
Guilt is gendered
It's also important to say this clearly: mom guilt is not evenly distributed. Fathers, especially in heterosexual partnerships, are rarely expected to feel guilty for long work hours or needing rest. When they show up for parenting, they're often praised for 'helping.'
Mothers, by contrast, are expected to organize their lives—and emotions—around their children's needs. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild called this emotional labor: the often invisible work of managing others' feelings. In families, mothers are expected to carry the emotional weight. When they fall short, they feel guilt—not just about actions, but about presence, patience, and even joy.
So what do we do with it?
Rather than telling mothers to 'get over' their guilt, we might ask: what is this guilt doing? Who benefits from it?
Mom guilt isn't just a feeling—it's a social mechanism. It keeps women pushing toward unattainable ideals, keeps them quiet about their needs, and keeps attention focused inward instead of outward. It makes it harder to question the systems that are, in fact, failing us.
There's no quick fix. But there's power in naming it. When guilt creeps in, we can pause and ask:
Where did this 'should' come from?
Whose expectations am I trying to meet?
What would I need—personally and structurally—to feel less torn?
These questions won't erase guilt, but they can loosen its grip. They shift the story—from one of individual failure to one of cultural clarity and collective care.
Subscribe to A Cup of Ambition. A biweekly newsletter for high-achieving moms who value having a meaningful career and being an involved parent, by Jessica Wilen. To learn more visit acupofambition.substack.com.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jessica Wilen, Ph.D., is a trusted partner to top-tier leaders and organizations looking to elevate their leadership, strengthen teams and cultivate sustainable, high-performing cultures. As a member of the Fast Company Creator Network and author of the popular newsletter, A Cup of Ambition, Jessica writes about working parenthood, the psychology of work, and women in leadership. More