My fiance cheated. But I was far more devastated when my friend of 20 years dumped me over text: MICHELLE ELMAN
The day after I announced the sudden end of my engagement, one of my friends, who I have known since we were 11, broke up with me. I was still reeling from the shock of discovering my fiance had been unfaithful when she sent me a text saying we were done.
And I can say without a doubt that the ending of my friendship was just as excruciating as the ending of my relationship. In fact, I'd say it hurt more.
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24 minutes ago
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What changed when I had a baby? Around the world in four mothers' stories
When the American journalist Abigail Leonard was six months pregnant, her husband was offered a job in Japan. Moving was 'the sensible choice' — what luck to be able to swap living in the US, one of the only countries in the world with no mandatory paid maternity leave, for Tokyo, where encouraging a baby boom is part of the government's economic policy. Leonard was thrilled at the prospect of what we take for granted in the UK, including free check-ups for babies. Soon, however, she realised that being pro-mother is not the same as being pro-woman. In Japan motherhood is synonymous with sacrifice — starting with birth, when women are seldom offered pain relief because of a belief that suffering creates a deeper bond with the baby. Leonard was asked what she did 'before becoming a mummy', while her husband carried on as normal with his career. Still, she had it a lot better than in the US, where an uncomplicated birth costs about $3,000 and paid maternity leave is rare. So Leonard, who is very much still a journalist as well as a 'mummy', decided to investigate which countries get it right. Four Mothers begins at the start of 2022 and follows four women, from the US, Japan, Kenya and Finland, through their first year of parenting. Japan and the US were chosen partly because of Leonard's own experiences; she picked Finland for its low maternal and infant mortality rates — and for frequently coming top of happy country studies — and Kenya because it has introduced policies to stop high maternal mortality rates. As Leonard says, 'parenthood is shaped by the systems our societies have built over time' and personal decisions, such as how much leave to take or even which parent shushes the baby back to sleep at 2am, are, in large part, determined by politics. It's particularly true at the moment, with Donald Trump suggesting $5,000 baby bonuses for American mothers and right-wingers in the UK urging women to do their bit to reverse our declining birth rate. Leonard is a masterly reporter. The four women share intimate details of their shifting post-baby lives, which read like gripping fiction. The American, Sarah, 33, is a teacher in Utah who grew up Mormon. She's married to Brian, an Amazon delivery driver who is also — this is a curveball — a polyamorous bisexual. Their relationship provides enough material for a book in itself. Sarah is remarkably generous towards Brian, making time for him to see his boyfriend while she cares for their newborn, ignoring 'a faint sense that she has her own needs'. Her husband's sexual preferences are the least of Sarah's worries, however. If you aren't well-off, motherhood in the US is punishing. When their baby, Vivian, struggles to breastfeed and doesn't put on weight (a common problem and one that we have free council-run breastfeeding clinics to help with in the UK), Sarah has no one to turn to, and misses the Mormon community. I felt for Sarah — even more so when, without maternity leave pay, she must rush back to work after three months and begin a punishing schedule of pumping milk for Vivian. According to Leonard it's Richard Nixon's fault. In his 1968 presidential campaign he promised to expand access to public childcare. But the conservative branch of his party revolted — Mormons worried that it would upend family structure while others called it communist, so in 1971 Nixon nixed it and childcare policy has been taboo since then. On top of that, Leonard argues that there is a vested interest in childcare not being state funded — private equity invests heavily in profit-making childcare companies and corporations want to use what paid leave they do offer to entice talented employees. Finland, no surprise, is a far better place to have a baby. Anna, 36, begins maternity leave a month before her due date and receives generous maternity pay. Until the 20th century most Finnish women gave birth in their home saunas (turned off, of course) but now just 0.2 per cent of births are at home, and 92 per cent of women receive some sort of pain relief during labour. They are also offered prenatal counselling to discuss their own childhoods. It's so good for women that attention has now shifted to how men can be better supported to look after their children. But Leonard is interested in what happens when things go awry in a feminist utopia. Anna's partner, Masa, who grew up in Japan with a single mother and no father figure, is more interested in which pram to buy than spending time with the baby, although when breastfeeding isn't working he accuses Anna of starving their child. Anna's reaction to their relationship breakdown is underpinned by her coming from a country with a strong history of women's rights — she doesn't want their son 'to learn that women are the ones who will take care of all the world's population when babies are born'. In Kenya, Chelsea, 23, gets pregnant after an affair with a married man from a different tribe because of a faulty morning-after pill. Many Kenyan women rely on this pill as there is stigma around other forms of contraception. Birth in Kenya has a lot in common with the US — both are countries with vast gaps between rich and poor, and if you can't afford a private birth it's brutal. Chelsea asks for an epidural and is told it costs US$300, which she can't afford. Only 2 per cent of Kenyan women get epidurals. Still, things have improved since the country made prenatal care free in 2013: the under-five mortality rate has since dropped from 50 to 39.9 deaths per 1,000 live births, according to Unicef. (In the States the figure is 6.5, while in the UK it's 4.5.) Like Sarah, Chelsea goes back to work after three months, but unlike Sarah she can't afford formula milk. Her story is the most painful to read — she is so alone, both her parents are dead and having a baby brings back that grief. • Why am I being judged for having a third child? In Japan, Tsukasa, 33, is also lonely. Japanese fathers haven't traditionally been involved with babies; only two thirds are present at the birth (it's 95 per cent across most of Europe) and her husband, although doting, works all hours. Bedsharing with the baby, which most Japanese parents do, means between 50 and 70 per cent of Japanese couples don't have sex, although Leonard says long working hours also play a role in this sex drought. In America, by contrast, it's 15 per cent. A mother and baby group saves Tsukasa, giving her much needed company. I had my first child in November last year and much of what Leonard describes rings true, from 'the physicality of the work and the psychic weight of suddenly occupying the position of parent' to the unparalleled joy of your baby's first laugh, and overthinking everything down to whether the baby should wear socks. So how does the UK measure up? In my experience we are overstretched on the medical side but lucky that it's free, there is pain relief and choice around birth (albeit with some bias from the NHS towards inductions over caesarean sections). • Sexism is still entrenched, with women taking most of the caring burden — and this is not helped by regressive paternity leave policies. Two weeks' paternity leave is nowhere near enough, nor is statutory maternity pay of £187.18 a week (less than the London living wage). Childcare costs are astronomically high too, but there are growing movements of women campaigning for more support. Four Mothers is part of this movement. It's public interest journalism at its best — powerful human stories peppered with well-chosen facts. When describing Tsukasa's relief at finding women to talk to, Leonard quotes the psychologist Aurélie Athan: 'Debriefing with other new mothers is crucial to psychological wellbeing. It's similar to what trauma victims require. They need to process what's happened to them.' With Four Mothers Leonard has provided that debrief, as she elegantly makes a compelling case for a fairer society.
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