The two party system is obliterated, welcome to Balkans Britain
Their brands are tainted, their names are mud, their future uncertain.
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For a century Labour and the Tories were the Tiffany and Cartier of our proud old democracy.
Then they both did a Ratner.
The Tories took 14 years to deeply disappoint the British people.
Labour has managed to make the nation despair in closer to 14 months.
And their good old days of swapping power every few years are over.
Welcome to Balkan s Britain. Balkan-isation refers to the process where a state irrevocably shatters into many smaller states.
That is exactly what is happening right now to traditional British politics.
The two-party system is obliterated, and there are bits and pieces all over the carpet.
The disintegration of our body politic reached new heights this week with the resurrection of Jeremy Corbyn and the launch of his new leftier- than-thou party — provisionally named 'Your Party' (not mine, never mine).
Now Labour can't chuckle about the Tories warily looking over their right shoulder at Reform.
Inside UK's 1st Reform pub with £2 pints, boozers drinking 'Remainer tears' & even Corbyn's allowed in, on one condition
Because Labour are looking over their left shoulder at Jeremy Corbyn's Your Party.
And everybody has to fear losing support to the Greens, Lib Dems and Monster Raving Loony Party.
And will the fragmentation of our old two-party system be good for our country?
Will Reform's right-wing firebrands draining support from the Tories and Corbyn's full-fat comrades nicking support from Labour make us a healthier, happier country?
Fingers crossed, eh?
But those of us who care about our country far more than we do, any political party should not dance too gleefully on the freshly dug grave of the two-party system.
Because effective government ALWAYS comes from a broad church of opinions.
Tony Blair's New Labour had room in its ranks for both Peter Mandelson and Dennis 'Beast of Bolsover' Skinner — slinky capitalist and old-school socialist.
Maggie Thatcher had room in her Cabinet for both Michael Heseltine and Norman Tebbit — fanatical pro-European and unapologetic patriot.
It is impossible to imagine either of the two big parties being quite so broadminded these days.
Corbyn and Farage have this in common — they are both profoundly anti-establishment.
Yet one of them could wield power after the next General Election, even if it is lording over some fractious coalition.
Then Nigel might find that shipping hardcore criminals to El Salvador is easier said than done.
And Jeremy might discover that ranting about the wickedness of the filthy rich does absolutely nothing for the British economy.
And when the old two-party system is buried forever, you and I may even start to miss it.
Romance in air? Liam's just being hammy with Pammy
LIAM NEESON and Pamela Anderson are promoting their reboot of The Naked Gun – and old romantics are suggesting there may be a spark of real-life romance between this lovely couple.
Liam, 73, confessed in a recent interview that he was 'madly in love' with the former Baywatch babe, 58.
A confession that makes me believe there is absolutely no late-life love story going on between them.
USYK'S GOT BIT OF ALI
I REMEMBER my mum and dad had mixed feelings when Henry Cooper fought Muhammad Ali for the second time.
Naturally my folks wanted the local lad – our Henry – to win.
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But there was a big part of their hearts that always belonged to Muhammad Ali.
And so it is with Oleksandr Usyk, who knocked out Daniel Dubois last weekend to become the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world.
Even if you want the Brit to win, you can't help but admire their opponent.
Because both Ali and Usyk fought for a higher cause than their own career.
Muhammad Ali fought racism.
Oleksandr Usyk is the living embodiment of Ukraine's defiance in the face of Russia's murderous invasion.
Usyk has now beaten the cream of British boxing – Daniel Dubois (twice), Tyson Fury (twice), Anthony Joshua (twice), Derek Chisora and Tony Bellew.
Muhammad Ali beat Henry Cooper (twice), Joe Bugner (twice), Brian London and Richard Dunn.
But Ali was always loved in this country.
As so is Usyk.
'UK is my second home,' says Usyk. 'I love UK.'
The feeling is mutual, champ.
Glory to Ukraine.
ORVILLE the Duck is being branded a 'nappy-wearing perv' after revelations about inappropriate behaviour.
TV's Mel and Sue revealed that they were co-hosting Channel 4's Light Lunch in 1997 when ventriloquist Keith Harris (and Orville) became as over-familiar with Mel as Rod Hull (and Emu) got with Michael Parkinson 20 years earlier.
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'Keith Harris got a bit naughty with Sue!' Mel revealed. 'Well, Orville did! Yes, Orville got a bit naughty Nineties.'
I believe Keith Harris, who died in 2015, should carry the can.
He was the one with his hand up the green duck's Wembley Way.
Look at those eyes. Orville is innocent.
TELL IT LIKE IT KISS
'RIGHT then, do we have any lovebirds in the house?' asked Liam Gallagher on stage in Manchester.
'Don't worry, we ain't got none of that snidey Coldplay f***ing camera s**t. Doesn't matter to us who you're mingling with or tingling with – none of our f***ing business.'
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Beautifully put, Liam.
Our kid is right to be outraged at the use of kiss cams at concerts.
After the Coldplay farrago, it is worth recalling that the kiss cam only began life in California in the Eighties, taking advantage of new-fangled giant video screens at sporting events.
The kiss cam was introduced as a way to stop crowds nodding off at baseball and American football games.
As Liam points out, it is weird that the kiss cam should become a feature of concerts.
There is nothing even remotely rock and roll about it.
But of course that's also true of Coldplay.
BOB DYLAN – 84! – returns to the UK in November, and once again no phones will be allowed at his shows.
That must feel weird for anyone below the age of about 30.
To the rest of us, a phone-free night watching Dylan feels gloriously liberating.
COP SHOP ROT
'E-SCOOTERS can be a great way to get around,' says a government spokesman.
This is especially true if you want to steal somebody's phone, a crime now so widespread that last year £50million worth of phones were snatched in London alone.
Most of those phones are never recovered.
Just as most burglaries – almost 82 per cent – are never solved. Just as most shoplifters – now three thefts a minute! – never get a slap on the wrist.
Nigel Farage is right – this country feels increasingly lawless.
But there was one thing Farage neglected to mention in his bid to make Reform the party of law and order.
Two-thirds of police stations in England have closed since 2010.
This is where the rot begins. This is where our rising crime rates took root.
When police stations went the same way as Woolworths.
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