My ex destroyed his relationship with our kids. Should I help fix it?

3 days ago

Dear Meghan: I have two teen sons, 16 and 14. Two years ago, their father moved out after deciding to pursue a relationship with another woman; the boys stayed with me by mutual agreement between all four of us.
The kids were devastated by their dad's decision, and the months following his departure were awful. When they had planned time with their dad, he often changed plans, arrived late to see them, left early, spent the whole time on his phone and just generally made them feel like they were not a priority. My older son, then the younger one, eventually cut their dad out of their lives except for occasional text messages.
Right now, both kids aren't interested in a relationship with their dad, and he doesn't seem very interested in a relationship with them, either. Although he professes to want a relationship, he has not done anything to try to repair things between them, instead insisting the boys need to 'grow up,' 'accept the way things are' and 'stop being so angry.' For now, things between them are at an impasse.
I am struggling with my role. I am trying to balance their growing autonomy and their right (I believe) to set boundaries with their dad with the worry that eventually they will be sad they missed this time together. I have suggested to their dad that he make the overtures necessary to fix things between them, but he is not interested in my perspective. Fair enough.
In my opinion, it would be best if their dad would apologize, make an effort to reconnect with the kids and work on showing them how much he loves them. I encourage the kids to keep an open mind toward their dad, and I require that they keep the lines of communication open. I think he has to be able to contact them, in case he does wake up one day and decide to try to repair things.
I'm unsure of what my job is here. Am I more in a role of listening and supporting them through their complicated feelings or of actively encouraging/pushing them to reconnect with their dad despite his recent shortcomings? He was a really great dad to the boys while they were growing up, and I think his abrupt 'about face' in this regard is part of what has made the kids so hurt and angry.
— What Next?
What Next?: Thanks for writing in. I sighed deeply reading this; I hate to see the unnecessary pain parents cause their children when they disappear from their lives. The boys' father first hurt them by leaving (rightly or wrongly), but the continuous pain of not showing up is where the real damage lies. Many children can move forward — even through something hard like a parent leaving for another adult — if both parents are committed to staying connected to the children. But when one parent checks out, it re-wounds the children and places extra pressure on the connected parent.
Your children's father has taken absolutely no responsibility for his choices, decisions or the pain caused. And worst of all? He is doubling down on his immaturity by blaming his sons for the rift! He has given his sons absolutely no reason to trust him, so my question to you is: Why would you push your sons to discard the evidence and not trust their intuition? Of course, it is awful that your ex was once a present and loving father, and we hope that he can see the light one day. That day is not today. By encouraging your sons to 'keep the lines of communication open,' you are essentially saying: 'Hey guys, don't trust your instincts, push aside your feelings and stay vulnerable to someone who has hurt you. Badly.' Oof.
You are confused about what your 'role' is here, but it's pretty clear. Your sons are now old enough to know their own minds. What they think and feel and experience is valid; your role is never to talk them out of that.
Here's the good news and the bad news: You don't need to do a lot to fulfill your role. You actually put it perfectly: 'I am trying to balance their growing autonomy and their right (I believe) to set boundaries with their dad … .' Boom, that's it. You are worried about them missing time with their dad, but the bad news is that it isn't your problem to solve.
The worse news is that you will have to watch your sons be hurt and disappointed by their father, and there may not be anything you can do about it. But by subtly or overtly pressuring your sons to stay open to their father, you are encouraging them to mistrust themselves. That's not fair. Children (even teens) are not meant to 'be better' than their parents; it is always the parents responsibility to show up for their children.
If their father wants to be in connection with them, he knows how to find them. When you ask if you should just be listening and supportive, the answer is yes. If your sons ask, 'Should we talk to Dad if he reaches out?' your only responsibility is to use curiosity and thoughtfulness. 'I don't know buddy, what would need to happen for you to want to talk to him?'
By asking thoughtful questions, you promote reflection and responsiveness rather than anger and reactivity in your sons. Is this frustrating for you? You bet it is! There are no easy answers or solutions here, so follow your children's lead. Good luck.