Trump adviser alleges secret fentanyl labs to justify Canada tariffs. Invade!

USA Today

10-03-2025

Trump adviser alleges secret fentanyl labs to justify Canada tariffs. Invade! | Opinion I remain in good spirits, even though we have yet to discover a vast conspiracy to push fentanyl into America. In fact, we have rarely advanced more than 100 yards without running into a Tim Hortons.
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US products pulled from Ontario liquor stores in response to Trump tariffs
Thousands of American alcohol products were removed from government-operated liquor stores across Ontario, Canada in response to new tariffs imposed by the Trump administration.
My dearest Martha:
I write to you today from the outskirts of Montreal, where our beloved President Donald Trump's war on Canadian aggression has come to a standstill amid heavy moose-launched missile fire.
I hope this note finds you and the children well and safe from any accidental exposure to hockey propaganda. I am alive and continuing the fight, though I miss you all terribly and grow weary of the sickly sweet smell of maple-syrup traps, which at times seem to outnumber the brigades of attack-beavers these damn northerners unleash daily upon our ranks.
I remain a firm believer in our mission.
We came to stop the flow of fentanyl into our country, though I do recall Marie-Eve Breton, a spokeswoman for the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, telling The New York Times: 'There is limited to no evidence or data from law enforcement agencies in the U.S. or Canada to support the claim that Canadian-produced fentanyl is an increasing threat to the U.S.'
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To me, that sounded exactly like what a Canadian eager to flood America with fentanyl would say.
So I ignored the fact that opioids had killed nearly 50,000 Canadians since 2016, and I ignored it when Canadian Public Safety Minister David McGuinty said: 'At some points of time in Canada, based on per capita population, there are more Canadians dying from fentanyl than there are Americans dying from fentanyl, a point that we made very clear to the White House.'
Those slippery, murderous Canadian hosers.
Naturally, Martha, given the choice between believing our longtime allies in Canada and statistical evidence or believing the man who convinced me that, contrary to all evidence, the 2020 presidential election was stolen, I naturally chose Trump. After all, he was the one bold enough to slap painful tariffs on Canada in response to the almost nonexistent problem of opioids entering the United States through Canada.
I recall Trump's economic adviser Kevin Hassett saying, 'We launched a drug war, not a trade war,' while also alleging, without presenting any evidence, the existence of secret Canadian fentanyl labs.
I can't imagine a country like ours would ever predicate the invasion of another country on a false accusation that secretive laboratories were being used to manufacture something deadly.
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I recall how deeply offended I felt when Mark Carney became Canada's prime minister and scoffed at the idea of his nation becoming America's 51st state, saying on Sunday that Canada 'never, ever, will be part of America in any way, shape or form.' Martha, you know as well as I what an honor it would be for any country to be annexed by us. I could never forgive that slight.
No, Martha, this invasion was just and good. I joined to protect you and the children and all Americans from these evil yet remarkably nice foreigners.
And don't worry about me. I remain in good spirits, even though we have yet to discover a vast conspiracy to push fentanyl into America. In fact, we have rarely advanced more than 100 yards without running into a Tim Hortons, where the staff offers us free maple cream doughnuts because they feel sorry for us. (Martha, they are SO dastardly nice, I can only imagine they are trying to trick us into using fentanyl.)
I hear about the protests by liberals and other Canadian sympathizers in America. I hear of how they shout and cry that President Trump only invaded Canada because he's a 'fascist' or 'wanted to impress Vladimir Putin' or 'hoped to build a casino in Saskatchewan.'
I don't allow such nonsense to bother me, my love, and I hope you don't either. I am here, with my fellow soldiers, to save America from the scourge of Canadian humility (and also maybe fentanyl) and to make America great again by making Canada America. I think.
Give my love to the children, and keep teaching them to hate Nickelback. I miss you all dearly. Apologies for the sticky syrup stains on this parchment. As God is my witness, I shall never eat pancakes again.
Sincerely,
— Your beloved husband, Clyde
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk