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Yahoo
2 hours ago
- Yahoo
'Help! I Live Next Door To A Loud Masturbator'
With a population of over 8 million people ― many of them living in older apartments with paper-thin walls ― there's bound to be some issues with noisy neighbors in the city that never sleeps. This column's question comes from a New Yorker who's feeling secondhand embarrassment for her new neighbor ― a man who hasn't learned to use his indoor voice while masturbating. Help! I live in a New York City studio apartment with cement walls that are apparently a little too thin. I know it's expected that when you share walls with neighbors you'll hear, uh, intimate noises from time to time, but I have a new neighbor whose solo activities are so vigorous that I can hear the festivities quite regularly. It doesn't bother me personally, but I'm embarrassed for him and wondering if he has any idea he has so little privacy. Should I somehow let him know by slipping an anonymous note under his door? Or do I let him go on and mind my own business? ― Blushing In Brooklyn We asked Thomas P. Farley ― a nationally regarded etiquette expert who goes by Mister Manners ― to tackle this very specific noise complaint. (Loud neighbor sex we've heard of, but loud neighbor masturbation is a different story.) 'Noise issues arising from a space beyond one's own walls are among the most sensitive of topics for neighbors to discuss. As a member of my building's co-op board, I have heard innumerable tales of grief as adjacent neighbors recount the commotion emanating from above, next door or below ― from crying babies to loud music, piano lessons to hard-soled foot traffic. And yes, lest we forget, lovemaking. (Or in this case, solo love.) For the aggrieved party, the typical trajectory of these matters runs the course of surprise, annoyance, exasperation, and finally, either a temper eruption or frustrated resignation. Vexingly, the neighbor generating the noise is often completely unaware they are making any disturbance at all. This devolution is unfortunate. I believe firmly that if approached directly, politely and considerately, many (though certainly not all) offending parties will take steps to reduce ― if not completely eliminate ― clamorous incursions. I would advise anyone in a scenario similar to 'Blushing in Brooklyn's' to weigh the gravity of the matter and then tread carefully if at all. Is the peal of passion something you hear once or twice a month? Or is it morning, noon and night daily? A white-noise machine or a fan can drown out a whole lot. A pair of headphones even more. But if these tactics are incapable of restoring your peace and quiet, it is probably time to have a gentle word with this neighbor. Find a time outside of work hours (perhaps midday on a Saturday or Sunday) to knock on the individual's door and have a brief conversation that ― once the pleasantries have been exchanged ― segues into a version of: 'I'm sure you're not aware, and forgive me, because I know this is a bit awkward, but I've been having difficulty getting a decent night's sleep the past several weeks because of the activity that seems to be coming from your apartment around [fill in time] each night. I know sound travels in our building, and I'm wondering if there's anything you might be able to do to reduce the noise at all?' In the ideal world, the neighbor will apologize immediately and offer to make some significant adjustments. To which the petitioning neighbor should express great gratitude. Could an anonymous note do the job? In the interest of candor and transparency, I would counsel the neighbors have a respectful face-to-face conversation versus slipping any letter under the door of a noise offender. The moment a note is passed, a guessing game will begin and two possible outcomes may follow —neither ideal. First, the noisy neighbor may wrongly assume it was someone else who wrote the note and begin acting awkwardly around them with no hint as to why. Alternatively, by process of elimination, they may figure out the actual note-writer and — as their feelings quickly morph from embarrassment to incredulity — decide to take their decibels to the next level. If the neighbor is not conciliatory or makes a brief change only to lapse again into raucousness, the distressed party can elect to escalate the matter to a landlord or managing agent as a potential violation of a lease or of the building's house rules. In such scenarios, be aware that punitive action may be slow to happen ― if it happens at all. In this unfortunate instance, grim acceptance may wind up being the least contentious way forward, chalking the moans up to being among the many annoyances that arise when residing in such intensely close proximity with eight million other people.' When it comes to etiquette columns, the questions and advice tend to be a bit stuffy:Who really cares what fork you use at dinner? But that's not the case here: How To Be Decent will cover topics that actually affect people, like 'Should you recline on a plane?' and 'How do I tell my neighbors I can hear them having sex?' Got a question about a thorny interpersonal issue you're having? Email us at relationships@ and we'll get it answered. Related... Should I Call The Police If I Have A Noise Complaint? My Older Neighbor Asked For My Help. How Much Am I Supposed To Give Him? The Rudest Things You Can Do In Someone Else's House
CNN
8 hours ago
- CNN
Could ‘fashioneering' be a future trend?
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Forbes
17 hours ago
- Forbes
3 ‘Micro-Behaviors' That Make Relationships Last, By A Psychologist
Sometimes, the smallest moment can make the biggest difference. Here are three subtle ways couples ... More can grow together in relationships and stay deeply connected long-term. We often associate 'growth' with something lofty and abstract, like a vision board goal rather than a lived, daily experience. Sure, these tools can serve as reminders of our goals, but in practice, 'micro-behaviors' or small, almost forgettable actions are what slowly shift the emotional tone and expectations within a partnership. These moments may not be headline-worthy, but they are the true scaffolding of a relationship that allows both individuals to explore, expand and evolve. Here are three micro-behaviors that help a relationship evolve and thrive long-term. 1. Asking, Not Assuming Imagine checking in with your partner, saying 'What's going on with you today?' vs. 'You're being distant again.' Notice the difference? When you've been with someone for a while, it's easy to feel like you 'know' them. And while familiarity can breed comfort, it can also breed assumptions. We start to auto-fill the blanks in their behavior: 'Oh, he's stressed again.' 'She's clearly mad at me.' 'They always do this when they're annoyed.' But the truth is that assuming shuts off further discussion. Asking opens it up. When we replace judgment with genuine curiosity, we give our partner space to show up as a dynamic, changing individual. Not the version of them we hold in our head, but the version who is here, now, with us in the present. A 2017 study published in Social and Personality Psychology Compass shows that the feeling of being understood isn't always the same as 'actually' being understood. In fact, people often feel misunderstood even when others do understand them, and vice versa. This happens because our sense of being understood is shaped not just by what others say, but by our emotional history, the relational context and how safe we feel to express ourselves. By asking instead of assuming, you increase the chance that your partner actually feels understood because you're making space for their current experience, rather than projecting your version of it. This kind of curiosity signals emotional availability. It says, 'I'm here for the person you are right now, not just the version I've constructed in my head.' And that makes your relationship a safer place for vulnerability and growth. For instance, instead of just saying, 'You're being cold lately,' try, 'I've noticed some distance. How have you been feeling lately?' You can also create a ritual of using check-in questions, such as: Over time, these simple questions show your partner that there is acceptance and space for their emotions, and that you care about their inner world enough to deeply understand its complexities. 2. Pausing Before Reacting When something triggers us, perhaps an offhand comment, a missed bid for connection or a perceived slight, our nervous system jumps into action. Often, we give into this sense of urgency and impulsively speak before thinking, defend ourselves before trying to understand the other person's intentions or emotionally shut down before we've had the chance to resolve an issue. What makes all the difference? A small pause. Just taking a deep breath and saying 'Let me take a moment before I respond.' This doesn't mean suppressing your emotions, but giving yourself some time to process them before they take the wheel entirely. This pause offers the opportunity to shift from a state of autopilot to active agency. You're still feeling, but now you're choosing your response rather than being hijacked by it. A 2018 study on mindfulness, defined as present-moment awareness without judgment, highlights that this kind of intentional pausing plays a crucial role in regulating the stress response. When couples use mindfulness tools, they're more likely to respond thoughtfully than react emotionally. This is especially helpful in high-stakes relational moments, where reactivity can easily derail connection. A pause often prevents further escalation and creates space for empathy, perspective-taking and healthier behavioral choices. To start pausing before reacting, try the following: This simple pause can save you from saying something that builds an emotional wall, when what you actually wanted was a bridge. 3. Celebrating Who Your Partner Is Becoming Another powerful micro-behavior is acknowledging your partner's growth. It's saying 'I see how hard you're trying, and it means a lot.' We tend to applaud obvious milestones, but growth isn't always visible. Sometimes, it looks like your partner biting their tongue when needed, bringing up something vulnerable or trying a new behavior that feels clumsy but earnest. When we acknowledge the process rather than just the outcome, we create a culture of psychological safety in the relationship. Your partner doesn't have to be perfect to be appreciated. They just have to be trying. A litany of research shows that people are more likely to persist with new behaviors when their efforts — and not just results — are acknowledged. It also reinforces a growth mindset in the relationship of knowing that 'We're works in progress, and that's okay.' For example, research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows that the way a partner supports self-improvement has a powerful impact on both one's personal growth and on relationship quality. Specifically, when support is nurturing and action-oriented (e.g., encouraging or helping without taking over), it leads to better follow-through on change and deeper connection. On the other hand, when support is critical or invalidating, it actually undermines both growth and closeness. This means that even a small moment of saying, 'I see you trying to manage your stress differently, it means a lot to me,' does more than encourage your partner. It creates a relational climate where 'becoming' is safe and supported. To create this habit, try the following: In essence, growth starts with staying curious instead of certain, pausing instead of reacting and validating effort instead of waiting for perfection. These actions make intimacy easier, safety stronger and the relationship more resilient, so you can keep 'becoming,' together. Do you and your partner share a growth mindset? Take this science-backed test to find out: Growth Mindset Scale
