I got dumped at a Pizza Express in Kennington – it was the perfect venue

Telegraph

13-02-2025

I was sorry to learn, via a more scurrilous publication, that the Irish actor Paul Mescal, star of Gladiator II, may have split up with his girlfriend, the singer Gracie Abrams. This tidbit came courtesy of a nosey diner, who found themselves next to the unhappy couple at Jolene, a bakery-cum-hipster honey trap in Newington Green, north London. 'They were sat at a table opposite each other and Paul had his head in his hands as Gracie just sat there crying,' came the report. 'Everyone saw it all go down, it looked like a break-up, we were just shocked at how public it all was.'
Naturally we have no idea if any of this is true – frankly it is not our business – but, with Valentine's day coming up, their predicament raises an important question, pertinent to normal people as well as Normal People: how to choose a venue to break up in.
Next week is the annual high-water mark of the idea of restaurants as incubators of love. Most restaurateurs hate 14 February, because it turns their rooms into a sea of anxious two-tops, but bums on seats are bums on seats. Accordingly, many will be advertising themselves as places where couples can stoke the furnaces of desire with a competitively priced set menu and a bottle of house red.
In fact, restaurants are more valuable as break-up spots. Falling in love, with its bodily urges, outlandish giggling and naivety verging on delusion, is something best done out of sight. Breaking up, on the other hand, is a time when one might want to yell, weep or do drastic physical things. A bit of social pressure to behave properly is welcome.
At the same time, the venue must fit the event. Fast food is out. Nobody wants to be dumped in Greggs. Although McDonald's is a common site for domestics, as anyone who has been to one in a city centre after midnight will attest, it is too casual for a proper break-up. At the other end of the spectrum, you do not want a 10-course Michelin-starred tasting menu, either. Break the news at the start of such an epic and you might find yourself sitting in silence for three hours. A dry-ice palate cleanser is much less amusing if you are wishing violent death on the person across the table. Yet waiting two and a half hours to get to the point is also arguably a misleading way to approach the end of an affair. A bakery with small plates, as Jolene is, is about the right level of formality.
Then there is the crowd to consider. It is eccentric that someone as famous as Paul Mescal would break up publicly somewhere as trendy as Jolene, where it's all but certain fellow diners will be paying close attention, possibly even shopping him to the tabloids later. Better to pick somewhere anonymous, where there is enough social pressure to maintain your dignity but not the sense you are doing your laundry in the middle of town. You want to avoid making a scene; you also want to avoid The Scene.
So far I have only been dumped once in a restaurant, at Pizza Express in Kennington, south London. It was irritating at the time, but in hindsight I am grateful. Pizza Express is predictable, not too expensive and – unless you are Prince Andrew – relatively anonymous. Perfect. The chain has struggled in recent years. It is not the first place you would think of if you were wooing someone. Perhaps it should offer its services for the alternative. They could rename the menu, too. Margarit-agh. Sobby Giuseppe. D'oh balls.