What to do when your partner betrays you — and everyone else knows about it

Metro

a day ago

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Being cheated on can be devastating – but discovering it in public or realising you're the last one to know takes heartbreak to a whole new level.
This week, Coldplay's Chris Martin playfully remarked that a couple were 'either having an affair or they're just very shy' as they dodged out the way of a Kisscam during the band's concert at Gillette Stadium in Boston.
Internet sleuths quickly claimed the pair were Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and his HR chief Kristin Cabot.
While the the exact nature of what was going on between them is yet to be confirmed, a woman reported to be Byron's wife, Megan Kerrigan Byron, later deleted her social media – and Chris told the crowd: 'I hope we didn't do something bad.'
So, whatever happened between Andy and Kristin, what should you do when your partner betrays you and everyone's there to witness it?
It's one thing to be hurt in private. But it's another to be publicly humiliated, with friends, colleagues and strangers in the loop.
Claire Renier, dating expert at happn, says the public element adds an extra layer of embarrassment.
'Your partner cheating in private is heartbreaking and a complete violation of your trust,' she tells Metro.
'For this to happen publicly with the world's eyes on it can bring forth feelings of embarrassment and shame, beyond just the emotional turmoil of being betrayed.'
It's easy to feel conscious with public eyes on the situation, but Claire says it's important to focus on yourself and your relationship during this period.
'Block out the outside noise and prioritise the next steps in your relationship and in your life,' she says.
The world might be waiting for Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot to submit a statement on what has or hasn't happened, but don't feel obliged to post any explanations on social media or let friends know what's what.
It can be difficult not to feel resentful at your partner after cheating, so Claire says it's important to 'take some time to calm down and clear your mind before having a conversation about everything'.
Claire says: 'Staying with a partner after infidelity can be a difficult decision, and there's no right or wrong answer. You shouldn't judge yourself for staying, as it's based on an individual's preference, situation, circumstances and feelings.'
But, if you can't get past the betrayal, she advises ending the relationship sooner rather than later.
'Be clear-cut about the ending and don't hesitate back and forth in a limbo state as that will only cause you further heartbreak, and you won't be able to heal.'
Although difficult, she says 'walking away is a form of self-respect', especially if your trust has been shattered.
Some couples may decide it's something they want to work through. If this is the case, it's important to be transparent. More Trending
'Set expectations moving forward, and forgive and move on. You can't hold it against them for every little thing or build resentment otherwise the relationship won't recover,' Claire says.
'Trust can be rebuilt, but only if both parties are willing, and some couples come back stronger after it, but only when the cheater takes accountability and the betrayed partner genuinely wants to rebuild.'
If this is the route you want to take, Claire suggests going to couples counselling to help work through the process with a professional.
'It's important to not be alone, and lean on your support system in this challenging period,' she says. 'It's important to confide in friends, family, or even a therapist. You should talk to people who can help you process what happened without judgement.
While there are no definitive signs of infidelity, Claire says sudden shifts in behaviour could indicate problems in a relationship. Still, she urges couples not to jump to conclusions without a conversation.
'You know your relationship and your partner better than anyone, and if you feel that something is off, listen to your instincts and have a conversation.' However, she adds that it's important not to be paranoid about every little sign or warning.
Here are five red flags to look out for – and what they could mean, according to Claire. Are they taking more interest in their appearance? In any new relationship, it's common to want to dress to impress. However, if you're already in a committed relationship and your partner suddenly changes their attention to their looks or is hitting the gym more, it could be that they're trying to reignite the attraction and spark in your relationship, or it could potentially indicate that they're trying to impress someone else. Is your partner acting cagey with their tech? If they've changed their passwords, are now less likely to leave their devices lying around, or quickly take their device out of your hand if you're passing it over or checking something on it, this could potentially be an indication they have something to hide. Have they changed up their behaviour and routines? If your partner has recently altered their behaviour or routines significantly and consistently, this can be a sign something isn't right. There may be patterns emerging that are different to before. Are you feeling a greater emotional or physical distance from them? If someone is cheating, they are more likely to take a step back from their relationship with you, whether this is being less affectionate, more critical, or even less interested in physical intimacy. Even if they're still physical, they may emotionally distance themselves by spending less quality time, having conversations or doing things together. Have you noticed any differences in your finances? In a relationship, it's common to share your finances – whether this is by having a joint account or knowing where your partner's accounts lie. If you're suddenly seeing anything like unusual charges, unexplained cash withdrawals or even a decrease in shared funds, you should have an honest conversation with your partner about it.
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