Inside Silicon Valley's Invite-Only IRL Dating Scene

WIRED

25-03-2025

Mar 25, 2025 7:00 AM The San Francisco Bay Area is awash with in-person dating meetups for tech workers, where attendees are vetted before entry. Photo-Illustration:'Greetings, Lovers, Legends, and Gods of Desire!' read the Partiful invite for the pre-Valentine's Day gathering. 'Eros, the god of love, drives us all with his mischievous arrows. On this night, we will surrender to his playful whims.' Then, sternly and in all caps: 'YOU MUST BE PRE-APPROVED TO GET IN.'
A couple of days later, a text blast came in; the planners of this in-person dating meetup for singles were budgeting for 200 attendees, but more than 1,000 people applied, so there'd be a venue change. RSVPs closed at 3 pm sharp the day of the event. Then, at night, Barbarossa Lounge in San Francisco's Financial District welcomed the lucky guests who managed to get their names on the list. The event, Love in the Stars, was hosted by local event promoter Spice King and the online platform Paloma, which describes itself as a dating-oriented members club.
Per the invitation's instructions, attendees dressed to signal their status; the singles wore a dash of red to make themselves identifiable as the ones looking for love. Their non-single supporters wore a splash of white or gold to signal they were already spoken for. Within an hour, there was no room to move. Small talk and awkward flirting filled every inch of the dark bar, with the question 'So, do you like working in tech?' bouncing around at the same tempo as the clubby beats.
Welcome to Silicon Valley's in-person dating scene. These regular events are only accessible to those already in the know. They feature pre-vetted guest lists; invite-only gatherings at villas in Hillsborough, one of the wealthiest towns in California; WhatsApp groups that gather monthly in apartments around town; and private parties with secret locations promising Stanford alumni and 'creatives' in attendance. In an area that's notoriously tough on daters, at a time when dating app fatigue is at an all-time high, the appetite for ways to find love face-to-face is growing into a frenzy.
'We have all collectively realized that dating apps are the worst,' says Allie Hoffman, the founder of the two-year-old organization The Feels, a nationwide in-person dating event series with a strong presence in San Francisco. 'There is no intention around how depleting, bot-y, ghosty, breadcrumb-y, gaslight-y and fishy they are. Nobody's feeling seen or nourished.'
In October 2024, The Feels had hosted an exclusive event at the city's new spa, Alchemy Springs, and another one is planned for the last week in March at The Center, a yoga and sound bath space.
'Swiping culture doesn't really work for our generation anymore,' says Spice King, a local event organizer and well-connected private investor who asked to be identified only by his internet handle to protect his career. 'Online dating also tends to make you kind of miss a lot of the important things when you are actually searching for a partner.'
While the local market might be flooded with run-of-the-mill ticketed speed-dating events, the trendy gatherings of the moment—like the one hosted by Spice King and Paloma back in February—offer a buffer of curation and certainty.
'A lot of my events are referrals only,' says Spice King. 'Every single time somebody comes in, we ask for their LinkedIn, and oftentimes for their 'sponsor,' the person who invited them. Then we cross-reference and basically check their network.'
Love Club, which was launched a year ago by Louise Ireland, cofounder of the cybersecurity platform Metabase Q, started as an invite-only WhatsApp group, which now has close to 120 members. The Club holds quarterly meetings at private residences around San Francisco, in which attendees discuss matters of the heart over snacks and drinks. The atmosphere is welcoming, and the chat group is active, with members frequently sharing links to other referral-based singles events.
Ironically, the interest in in-person dating events has been rising so swiftly in the Bay Area that even new dating apps and matchmaking platforms have turned to them. The new video-based dating platform Sable Dating threw an in-person, champagne-fueled event at a location that was only disclosed to attendees upon registration. Paloma occasionally hosts events for its members and for nonmembers to increase exposure, including a Date Week festival.
'The Bay Area doesn't have as many social clubs as LA or NY, so people really crave connection,' says Paloma's founder and CEO Luba Yudashina.
Look closer and you'll find many more reasons why these types of events have been thriving in Silicon Valley in particular. According to Spice King, who has hosted events for the Forbes 30 Under 30 list, events with Harvard graduates, and events for people working in blockchain tech or AI, the critical component is a sense of security; 'When you go on Tinder, you're at the mercy of some randomness,' he says. 'People want to feel the safety and comfort of a community. Tech tends to move like that too.'
Hoffman seconds this. 'We see a really strong value placed on word of mouth, especially among men,' she says. 'And we do get asked a lot if we vet or screen.' The Feels does not screen potential attendees, Hoffman says, but the somewhat steep price of $100 per ticket makes sure that attendees are 'thoughtful about their dating life.' In other words, and as a unifying factor of these events, the vetting isn't just about the person's appearance or their social media presence. It's also meant to weed out people with problematic reputations, or less than serious intentions—as Hoffman calls it, 'folks in their 'fuck around and find out' phase.'
Anna Naidis, a San Francisco single in tech—she's the cofounder of Aparti AI—has tried numerous in-person dating events in the Bay Area. As someone who has gone through many networking and pitching events for her startup, she sees why the tech scene is already primed for the in-person dating boom; small talk and ice-breakers come naturally to her. 'It's a transferable skill," she jokes.
Hoffman has noticed that too. 'In other places, we've seen people be really anxious about showing up with openness,' she says. 'We haven't had issues in the Bay.' Compared to raising a $1 million round for your startup, seeking love IRL isn't nearly as intimidating.