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Forbes
2 hours ago
- Forbes
An Another Way To Downsize After Retirement
It is amazing how much we can accumulate. I don't have just a junk drawer, but I should clean out all my drawers and closets. Stuff seems to multiply. Maybe we are collectors or maybe we inherited possessions passed down to us. Regardless, once we have lived in a house for decades things can pile up—even if we keep stuff in tubs. After people retire, they often think about downsizing—moving to a smaller place. But another way to view downsizing is to edit or curate. This is an intentional practice of deciding what to keep and what to let go of. In other words, a cleaning of our internal inventory, which can include curating our relationships, practices and habits, activities and involvement, and beliefs. This process can be as challenging as letting go of physical items because our internal inventory is embedded into our lives. For instance, while decreasing our possessions is important, most of us don't think about downsizing our relationships—the time we spend with people. Curating Relationships I tend to be a 'best friend forever' (BFF). Over the years, I have accumulated lots of friends and acquaintances. But it has been hard for me to learn that not everyone is a BFF or has the same definition or expectation of what it means to be a friend. Someone said to me a few years ago, 'Think of relationships as a tapestry. Some threads are meant to last and deserve to be mended if broken. Other threads break and it is time to let them go. Together the threads weave a tapestry of your life.' As we get older, we usually have more people in our lives who need time and attention such as grandchildren. Since we only have 24 hours in a day, it is challenging to maintain all our relationships. We need to prioritize. On the other hand, it is important to maintain your real friendships because it is harder to make friends as adults. Retirement is a great time to take stock of your relationships and focus on the ones that matter most. Recently, one of my friends had a detached retina in one eye. Healing was a longer process than she imagined. When I asked her how she was doing, she said, 'My eyesight is fine now, but my clarity is perfect. I am clear about how I want to spend my time and with whom.' Another friend has had several serious health issues during the past year. She told me, 'I had a lot of time to think and process life. I discovered who my real friends are and who makes me feel better in their presence.'[EP1] The political and polarizing environment in which we are living and working has caused rifts among families and friends. 'According to the American Psychological Association, 30% of adults limit time with family members because they don't share the same values, and 77% describe the future of the nation as a major source of anxiety.' One of the great gifts of getting older is discernment. We can decide our level of engagement and with whom we associate. In my coaching practice, I advocate how important it is to make intentional choices and decisions—particularly about how you spend your time and with whom. Choose to surround yourself with positive people of all ages. Since retirement is often consists of unstructured time, it can be a time of boredom or isolation. I have known people who buy second homes on the beach or near the mountains and every night can feel like a vacation and a cocktail party. Cocktail napkins about drinking tell the story such as 'Friends are just therapists you can drink with.' It can be easy to fall into bad habits with good friends as their behaviors are reinforced within the friend group. It might be time to downsize some of these unhealthy relationships. Sahil Bloom, author of 'The Five Types of Wealth,' is a thought leader in the field of personal development. In one of his recent newsletters, he uses the Biblical Parable of the Sower to emphasize the impact of relationships. Bloom says it is critical to 'plant yourself in the fertile soil necessary to grow. Make no mistake. Relationships are critically important as we get older. And making friends as an adult isn't easy. We want to nurture and sustain the relationships that lift us up. But we may need to discern our friend and family groups to make sure the relationships are healthy for us at this stage in life. While relationships matter, Bloom says to choose wisely. 'Your environment creates your reality.'
News24
2 hours ago
- News24
My hesitancy about SA's agricultural export opportunities in Africa
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Yahoo
2 hours ago
- Yahoo
14 Things Covert Narcissists Say That Sound Supportive But Are Meant To Control You
In the world of relationships, covert narcissists can be particularly tricky to spot. They often sound supportive or caring, but their words are actually designed to manipulate and control you. Unlike their overt counterparts, covert narcissists are more subtle and their tactics can easily go unnoticed. Recognizing these behaviors can help you protect yourself from emotional manipulation. Here's a list of things covert narcissists might say that seem supportive but have underlying motives. 1. "I Just Want What's Best For You." At first glance, this phrase sounds like genuine concern. However, it's often used to justify controlling behavior under the guise of care. When a covert narcissist says this, they might really mean they want what they believe is best for you, according to their own desires. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and lecturer for Harvard Medical School, emphasizes that such statements can be about maintaining control rather than showing love or concern. By making you believe they're only looking out for you, they subtly steer your decisions to align with their preferences. Over time, you may find yourself doubting your own choices, feeling that someone else always knows better. This erosion of confidence can make you more reliant on them, which is precisely what they want. They gain satisfaction from knowing you depend on them for guidance. Although it seems supportive, this statement is ultimately about control. It's crucial to stay aware of your own needs and desires and not let someone else dictate what's best for you. 2. "You're So Talented, But..." When someone praises you, it's natural to feel good, but pay attention to what follows the 'but'. Covert narcissists often follow compliments with criticism, subtly undermining your self-esteem. This tactic keeps you in a cycle of seeking their approval, as you're left wondering if you ever meet their expectations. The praise part hooks you, while the criticism subtly diminishes your confidence. This method keeps you in a constant state of seeking validation from them. The covert narcissist's aim is to keep you off balance, never fully confident in your abilities. By mixing compliments with criticism, they ensure you remain dependent on their opinion. This makes it easier for them to manipulate your actions and emotions. It can be challenging to recognize this pattern because it initially seems like they're offering constructive feedback. However, if you constantly feel unsure of yourself after such interactions, it may be a sign of manipulation. 3. "I Just Want To Help You Improve." On the surface, this sounds like they're invested in your personal growth. Yet, this phrase is often used to mask their desire to mold you into someone who better fits their needs or ideals. According to relationship expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, covert narcissists often highlight your flaws under the guise of personal development, making you feel inadequate without their guidance. This keeps you in a cycle of trying to meet their shifting standards, ultimately benefiting them more than you. The apparent altruism of such statements is often a cover for control. By positioning themselves as a benevolent guide, they create a dependency where you constantly seek their approval. This power dynamic can stifle your growth rather than promote it, as you're more focused on their perception than your own progress. The emotional toll can be significant, leaving you feeling insecure and trapped. It's important to recognize that genuine support encourages personal autonomy, not dependency. Be wary of those who offer help but seem to have their own agenda. 4. "You Need Someone Like Me To Guide You." When someone insists that you need them, it's a red flag for potential manipulation. Covert narcissists thrive on creating a sense of dependency in their relationships. By positioning themselves as indispensable, they make you question your ability to navigate life without their input. This tactic is a subtle form of control, designed to keep you tethered to them. It can be difficult to see because it often comes wrapped in what sounds like genuine care. The underlying message is that you're not capable on your own, which can undermine your self-esteem over time. It's a way to ensure that you continually seek their approval and advice. This creates a power imbalance, where your needs and desires take a backseat to theirs. True support builds confidence and independence, not reliance. Be cautious of anyone who suggests you can't thrive without their guidance. 5. "I'm Here For You, Whenever You Need Me." This phrase seems positive, suggesting a supportive presence in your life. However, covert narcissists might use it to create an obligation, expecting you to reciprocate their 'kindness' on their terms. Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi, a psychotherapist and author, notes that covert narcissists often give with strings attached, ensuring you feel indebted to them later. This twisted form of help can leave you feeling trapped in a cycle of unreciprocated favors. The support is conditional, rooted in creating a sense of obligation rather than genuine care. Their aim is to gain leverage in the relationship, making you feel you owe them something in return. Over time, it becomes clear that their availability comes with expectations, often leaving you feeling guilty for not meeting them. This creates an emotional bind, where their support feels more like a burden than a relief. It's essential to recognize when help comes with conditions and to set boundaries that protect your independence. True support respects your autonomy and doesn't demand repayment. 6. "I Only Criticize Because I Care." It's common for people to offer feedback, but when criticism is constant and masked as care, it's worth questioning. Covert narcissists often use criticism to keep you feeling inadequate and dependent on their approval. By saying it's because they care, they disguise their manipulation as concern. This tactic can erode your confidence and keep you second-guessing your actions. It's a subtle way to control how you perceive yourself and your capabilities. The constant criticism can make you feel like you're never good enough, causing you to seek more approval from them. Over time, you might find yourself adjusting your behavior just to avoid their negative feedback. This cycle can be emotionally draining, leaving you feeling stuck. Genuine care builds you up, rather than tears you down. Be wary of those who use criticism as a tool for control while claiming it's for your benefit. 7. "You'll Thank Me Later." This phrase suggests future gratitude, often used by covert narcissists to justify their controlling actions. By implying you'll eventually appreciate their interference, they sidestep accountability for their behavior. A study by Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen highlights that narcissistic behaviors often involve manipulation to maintain power within relationships. This statement assumes you're not currently capable of understanding what's best for you, undermining your autonomy. It's a clever way to make their control seem like a favor. By framing their behavior as something beneficial in the long run, they avoid immediate confrontation. This can keep you in a state of uncertainty, unsure whether to challenge their actions or wait for the supposed benefits. Over time, this can create a pattern of second-guessing your instincts, relying more on their judgment than your own. Recognizing these tactics is key to maintaining your independence and confidence. Trust in your ability to make decisions without needing someone else's validation. 8. "It's Your Choice, But..." Offering a choice sounds empowering until it comes with a 'but' that negates the freedom. Covert narcissists often present choices in a way that subtly pressures you to pick their preferred option. It can feel like any decision you make is wrong unless it aligns with their desires. This tactic maintains the illusion of autonomy while ensuring their control. It's a manipulative way to keep you in check without overtly dictating your actions. The key is in the subtle pressure, which can make you doubt your decisions. By framing it as your choice, they can deflect blame if things don't go well while still getting their way. This creates a dynamic where you feel responsible for any negative outcomes. The illusion of choice keeps you entangled in their influence. Genuine support allows you to make decisions without underlying pressure or manipulation. 9. "I Believe In You, But You Could Do Better." On the surface, this seems like a motivational statement, but it often carries an undercurrent of dissatisfaction. Covert narcissists use this tactic to keep you striving for their approval. The implicit criticism in 'you could do better' undermines the initial vote of confidence. It keeps you in a loop of seeking their validation, never truly feeling good enough. This can wear down your self-esteem over time. By positioning themselves as someone who believes in you, they create an illusion of support. Yet, the constant reminder that you're not quite meeting their expectations keeps you dependent on their opinion. This keeps you off-balance, always aiming to please them. Recognizing this pattern is crucial to breaking free from their influence. True belief in someone nurtures their growth without strings attached or hidden dissatisfaction. 10. "You're Too Sensitive." Dismissing your feelings as oversensitivity is a classic tactic used by covert narcissists. It minimizes your emotions and makes you doubt your reactions, giving them the upper hand. By labeling you as too sensitive, they avoid taking responsibility for their hurtful behavior. This can make you second-guess your feelings, wondering if you're overreacting. It's a way to invalidate your experiences and maintain control over the narrative. Over time, this can lead to a suppression of your emotions, as you fear being labeled as overly sensitive. This serves their purpose by keeping you silent and compliant, avoiding confrontation. Your feelings are valid, and dismissing them is a way to undermine your confidence. Healthy relationships respect and validate emotions rather than dismissing them. Be wary of those who use this tactic to avoid accountability for their actions. 11. "I Know You Better Than You Know Yourself." This statement is designed to undermine your self-awareness and confidence. Covert narcissists use it to position themselves as an authority on your thoughts and feelings. The implication is that you can't trust your own perceptions, making you more reliant on their judgment. Over time, this can erode your self-trust and make you question your own instincts. It's a subtle way to gain control over your decisions and self-perception. By suggesting they know you better, they make you doubt your own understanding of yourself. This tactic keeps you dependent on their insights, seeking their approval and guidance. It creates an unhealthy dynamic where your autonomy is diminished. Genuine relationships support your self-discovery rather than taking it over. Trust your own understanding of yourself and be cautious of those who claim to know you better. 12. "I'm Just Trying To Protect You." Protection sounds noble until it becomes a means of control. Covert narcissists often use this rationale to justify restricting your freedoms and choices. By framing their interference as protective, they maintain a semblance of care while dictating your actions. This can make you feel smothered rather than supported. It's a tactic that keeps you dependent under the guise of safety. The constant monitoring and decision-making on your behalf can erode your confidence over time. It creates a dynamic where your autonomy is sacrificed for their sense of control. While protection is a part of caring, it shouldn't come at the cost of your independence. Recognize when protection is a mask for control. True care supports your ability to make informed choices on your own. 13. "You Couldn't Do This Without Me." This phrase is engineered to make you feel incapable and dependent. Covert narcissists use it to erode your confidence and keep you tethered to them. By suggesting you're unable to achieve something on your own, they maintain control over your actions and decisions. This tactic can leave you feeling powerless and reliant on their guidance. It's a manipulative way to keep you in their orbit. The underlying message is one of inadequacy, which can wear down your self-esteem over time. This keeps you from challenging their authority or asserting your independence. By making you believe you're not capable, they ensure you remain dependent on their input. It's essential to recognize your capabilities and trust in your ability to succeed independently. Be wary of those who undermine your confidence to keep you close. 14. "You Don't Really Mean That." This dismissive phrase is often used to invalidate your feelings or opinions. Covert narcissists employ it to undermine your confidence in your own thoughts. By suggesting you don't really mean what you say, they cast doubt on your self-awareness. This can make you question your own feelings and perceptions, giving them more control over the narrative. It's a subtle way to keep you off balance and unsure of yourself. Over time, this tactic can lead to self-doubt and a reluctance to express your true thoughts. It creates a dynamic where you're hesitant to voice your opinions, fearing they'll be dismissed. This serves to maintain their dominance in the relationship, as your voice becomes overshadowed by theirs. True support and understanding involve validating and respecting your perspectives. Be cautious of those who try to silence your voice by questioning its validity. Solve the daily Crossword
