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The Herald Scotland

Yes, you need to be careful in the toilets these days

One day an irate parent stormed into the headmaster's office to complain that one of the teachers had called his son "a ****ing doormat". On investigation it was discovered that the teacher had said the pupil's faculties were dormant. Dry humour We mentioned that Diary reader David Donaldson was surprised to learn that his new tumble dryer had to be connected to the house Wi-Fi in order to operate. David gets back in touch to say: 'A friend has pointed out the obvious. My tumble dryer is connected to Dri-Fi.' Buttering up The wife of reader Chris Spence sometimes gets confused when repeating oft-used phrases. A few years ago the couple's married daughter was visiting and she was grumping about her husband, who rarely wanted to go out at the weekend, preferring to bide at home, watching the telly. 'Sometimes I wonder why I bothered getting married,' she sighed at one point. Chris's wife wasn't overly sympathetic. Shaking her head, she replied: 'Well, you've buttered your bread, now you're going to have to lie in it.' Shopping and stropping On Saturday afternoon reader Lauren Wade was clothes shopping and found herself in a swanky boutique in Glasgow's West End, where there was a rather striking, though pricey, dress on display. She tried it on and the saleswoman asked if she was going to buy it. 'To be honest,' replied Lauren, 'I'm in two minds.' The saleswoman, who had perhaps been in the job longer than was conducive to her mental wellbeing, replied: 'Two minds, eh? That's two more than most of the folk I deal with in here.' Edge lord The past was a time when people had to be brave and bold just to survive. Yearning for those daring days of yore, when adventure lurked around every corner, reader Doug Ness says: 'Older folks such as myself know all about living on the edge. We used to answer the phone without knowing who it was.' Food for thought A snippet of conversation overheard by reader Craig Anderson. An outraged woman said to her friend: 'And I told her you can't have brunch at 7pm. That's taking things too far.' Duck for cover 'When I'm buying bed linen I always make sure I purchase the best quality duck duvets,' reveals reader Robert Barker. 'In other words, I double down on double down.'