5 days ago
If You Feel Lonely Even Around People You Love, Psychologists Say To Ditch These 16 Habits
If You Feel Lonely Even Around People You Love, Psychologists Say To Ditch These 16 Habits originally appeared on Parade.
Ever feel like you're standing alone in a crowded room full of friends and family members? It can feel incredibly ironic. However, experts share it's possible to feel like you have 100 friends and zero at the same time, even if you're standing next to someone you consider a ride-or-die."Loneliness is the gap between the connection you actually have and the connection you really want," explains , a clinical psychologist. "You may have people around you, but if you aren't truly expressing yourself, feeling understood and able to be vulnerable, you can still feel very alone."It's possible to shift these feelings. However, psychologists note that part of the Rx for loneliness often involves adjusting some habits as well. They reveal 16 habits that can contribute to loneliness (even around people you love), and offer tips for breaking
Real talk: Our culture loves productivity—always saying yes to work projects and checking emails at 3 a.m. However, we often heed the memo to prioritize hustling over the connection we're hard-wired to crave as humans. It's no wonder why psychologists are stage whispering, "It's a trap.""There cannot be a balance in life if there is only busyness, which can keep us distracted from feeling lonely but does nothing to resolve the feeling long term," explains Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor. "[Being busy] leaves us little time to focus on the self, sit with feelings and build meaningful social connections." Related:
Chameleons need to blend into their environment to survive. However, Dr. Schiff says humans generally do not. In fact, trying to fit in with whatever crowd you're with can contribute to feelings of loneliness."If you are constantly trying to be who others want you to be, it prevents real emotional connection," she explains. "You lose the opportunity to be authentic, and people can't bond with someone they don't really know."Related:
Humans cannot telepathically communicate (and that's probably for the best). However, Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, explains that means we need to manage our expectations of one another."The belief that people should know what we're feeling and thinking—without our telling them—is a surefire way to feel lonely in a crowd of friends or family," he notes that letting people know when you're not feeling seen and understood can protect you from disappointment and disconnection.
Dr. Kain gets it—"fine" rolls off the tongue. However, it doesn't open the door for connection, especially when it's not true."Answering 'fine' is a way of hiding by deflecting attention away from ourselves," Dr. Kain says. "It's very protective and can lull us into feeling safe, but hiding almost always guarantees we will feel lonely and alone."Related:
Trying new things can be scary, but it can help you break out of a social rut or avoid one in the first place. "By pushing our boundaries and embracing the opportunity for new experiences, we can generate unexpected friendships," says , a psychologist with encourages people to travel, try foods and engage in other activities that open the door to making new friends and deepening connections with old ones.
Dr. Goldman emphasizes that it's important to be gentle with yourself if you have this habit."Socially interacting with others can feel very threatening because it highlights how limiting our relationships can be, or we are reminded that our friendships are superficial," she points out. "Many people try to isolate instead, as they then will not feel as evident of their lack of meaningful connections. However, the problem with isolating is that it can increase [lonely feelings]."Related:
It's nice to get invited to happy hours and intramural adult softball leagues. However, if the Paperless Posts aren't flooding your inbox, send one yourself."If you don't want to be lonely, be the first to say hello," Dr. Kain says. "Be the first to ask someone you already know a meaningful question. Be the one to get the conversation going, and you will begin to feel more connected and less lonely."Bonus: You might help someone else feel less lonely too.
"Closeness requires two things: time and proximity," Dr. Kain says reserving just a few dates on your calendar per year for loved ones can lead to loneliness and a lack of connection. Of course, not everyone can get together for weekly coffee dates, especially if you live hundreds of miles away or more. Still, frequent connection is critical."We need to talk to [friends and family] and see them frequently, in person if possible, but via something like FaceTime if not," he
Showing up is only part of the battle against loneliness."Even if you're not good at games, if that's what people are doing, join in," Dr. Kain says. "Instead of standing off in a corner because you don't know what to do at a party, offer to help. We have to be involved, to participate and to feel like we belong."
Dr. Vaughan warns that if you're constantly putting others first in the name of connection, you can burn out physically, mentally and socially."When we are mentally and physically exhausted, we will withdraw, isolate and avoid social interactions," she says. "It is not selfish to take care of yourself first; it is necessary for true and meaningful connections with others."Related:
Psychologists warn that social media has created an illusion that we're connected and that our Facebook friend count represents closeness IRL."People who are lonely might be very focused on their online social media presence or will use technology as a distraction from their emotional experiences of loneliness," Dr. Goldman says. "Being online is not a direct way to social connection for many you need to go do things to meet people and have meaningful connections."
It steals more than joy."If you tend to measure your relationships against social media or idealized standards, it makes your own connections seem inadequate," Dr. Schiff reports. "Focus on fact, not fantasy, and appreciate and deepen what you do have."Related:
Some people do more than compare themselves to others—they negatively judge people."Often, when people are in a social space and feel a lack of acceptance, they will make negative statements or judgments about other people," Dr. Goldman says. "For example, [someone may have the] passing thought of 'Well, I wouldn't want to be friends with them anyway.'"She says people often make these statements when they want to deflect hurt, but it usually worsens the problem. "Judging other people and seeing negatives in others will keep us further guarded and potentially prevent us from fully engaging with others in the future," she adds. "If we expect to see the negative in others, why would we want to connect to them in a meaningful way? We won't. This keeps us feeling stuck, isolated and lonely."
The inner critic in you acts way more judgmental of you than others."Folks who are lonely tend to have an internal narrative they have constructed about themselves," Dr. Goldman says. "The thoughts about self might include statements such as. 'No one really likes me' or 'I'm not worth getting to know.'"However, she warns that these thoughts can make you feel lonelier and more inclined to keep people at a distance—a self-fulfilling
Dr. Vaughan warns that neglecting inner work—like healing from childhood issues—limits how we understand and connect with others on a deep level."We not only disconnect from ourselves, but we also disconnect from others by allowing our fears and insecurities to keep us from genuine happiness and effectively being of service to others," she says.
Believe it or not, difficult discussions can increase connection, even if conflict is often seen as a relationship-ender."Burying your problems instead of addressing them builds unresolved tension between people, which creates a wall," Dr. Schiff says. "Honest, open communication is how intimacy grows."Related:
Even in a digital world with Zoom access, nothing beats intentional and unstructured in-person interactions, like a stroll around the park or a coffee date."In those relaxed moments where you are physically present with someone, we allow for deeper bonding and building closeness," Dr. Schiff
Dr. Vaughan suggests engaging in meaningful hobbies and activities that you like. You'll find people with similar interests and can connect with them. She loves activities that promote relaxation, including meditation, time in nature and yoga."You can also focus on self-care while with others," she says.
Dr. Goldman advises people who are feeling lonely to push past the discomfort of initiating contact. Remember, you're not alone in feeling lonely, and others may also crave connection."Most people are looking for connection but are uncertain about how or when to take the risk and approach another person," she says. "The worst that happens is you walk away not having made a connection, which is how you entered that space—AKA nothing changes. The best that happens is that you begin to form a connection with someone."
"The antidote to loneliness is vulnerability," says Dr. notes he'll sometimes ask clients: "Who do you feel closer to? A person who shares a secret with you or the person you share your secret with?""Most will say they feel closer to the person they share with," he explains. "Yet, we are reluctant to open up to others, but that's exactly what we have to do. If we want to feel close to others, we have to make the effort not to get to know them, although that is certainly important, but to let them know us."Related:
Take a page from an athlete's playbook and use affirmations. Dr. Kain recommends saying things to yourself throughout the day like, 'People will love me when they really get to know me.'
"Affirmations are great because we don't actually need to believe what we're saying is true when we first start repeating them to ourselves," he says. "We're rewiring our brains to override earlier messages of being unlikeable and unlovable that keep us isolated and lonely. We're replacing thoughts that reinforce our mistaken belief we deserve to feel lonely with the deep-seated understanding we deserve to be seen and understood and connected."
Up Next:Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist
Dr. Michele Goldman, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Craig Kain, Ph.D, a licensed psychologist
Dr. Denitrea Vaughan, Psy.D, LPC-S, with Thriveworks
If You Feel Lonely Even Around People You Love, Psychologists Say To Ditch These 16 Habits first appeared on Parade on Jun 5, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jun 5, 2025, where it first appeared.
