Latest news with #MissConduct
Boston Globe
12-08-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
Can I have a word? When a conversation is cut short.
C.S. / Newton The good news is it doesn't just happen to you! The logically inevitable bad news is that it's endemic and no one else knows what to do, either. You'd think conversation hijacking would be the kind of bad practice that social media could ameliorate, wouldn't you? With so many ways of getting in touch with people, how can anything in person be urgent enough to warrant such rudeness? And yet it happens all the time. The person you're talking to when interrupted (P1) often can't do anything to forestall the hijacking, although, let's face it, a lot of P1s don't even try. And the situation can easily lead to a domino effect—your chat with P1 gets cut off by P3, so the next time you see P1 you immediately rush in to finish the thing you'd been talking about last time, and now you've become someone else's dreaded P3 conversational hijacker. Or else, abandoned mid-topic by your conversational partners, you pull out your phone to give yourself something to occupy your hands (because, what, it would be better to have a cigarette?) and a dozen people write in to Miss Conduct about how folks like you are destroying civilization and the art of small talk. You are handling the situation as well as anyone can. Would that that were greater comfort. My 34-year-old nephew, who is single and in grad school, visits occasionally. He is polite and intelligent, but smells horrible. It's not a physical disorder. I have offered to do his laundry, shown him where he can do it, and given him a towel to shower. I'm not sure if he has, in the few days he's been here before, and declines the laundry invitation. I pity the person who will sit next to him on his bus ride home. Do I just put up with it or say something? L.A. / Boston The issue isn't whether to speak up, but how. As a host, you have the right to require that your guests maintain a minimum level of hygiene. As an aunt, it is not your job to help your nephew better himself. Do you see the difference? 'Do you mind having a shower before dinner? We'll eat in 30 minutes' is fine. 'Let's talk about hygiene and why you don't have a partner'—not fine. It's going to be an awkward exchange regardless, because no degree of appropriateness or tact makes it pleasant or easy to tell another adult that he or she needs a wash. Would you rather suffer momentary awkwardness or several days of stink? And this is about you, not about your nephew. I'm not sure why you included his work and relationship status—maybe for the sake of novelistic thoroughness, or so I could dub him the Smelly Student instead of the Noisome Nephew, if I chose—but it does indicate a certain mission creep. This isn't about your nephew's ability to get grants or partners. It's about how much Febreze you need to buy after he leaves. Advertisement Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
Boston Globe
07-08-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
How do you end houseguests' bad behavior? Did I mention they're my in-laws?
Advertisement C.C. / Medford Prior acceptance of bad behavior does not obligate you to continue accepting bad behavior. This is so important! I often hear from—and read in other advice columns—letter writers who feel if they've allowed a boundary to be violated once, that's it, they've forfeited their right to self-assertion forevermore. You are allowed to renegotiate the terms of a relationship. You are allowed to put a stop to bad behavior at any point during the commission of said behavior, not only during the first 10 seconds. And Miss Conduct devoutly wishes more people would. So, yes, feel free to assert yourselves. Hospitality is not servitude. Hosts decide how much they are willing to accommodate guests and inform guests of those rules. The host is the captain of the ship. Guests may request, and guests may leave, but guests may not demand. Advertisement It's all very clear-cut up on my mountaintop, isn't it? Because I just described the abstract morality of the situation. Strategy and tactics are more complicated, and it will be harder to break people of habits they've been allowed to continue for 15 years. You and your husband need to be on the same page about what the new rules are, how they will be communicated and enforced, and how to talk to your kids (the full version of your letter indicated part of the problem is that your in-laws constantly violate the basic rules of politeness you're trying to teach your children). And he's probably the one to have the conversation with his family. Do not argue with them. Do. Not. Argue. Your goal is not to get your in-laws to agree your boundaries are right and reasonable, it is to get them to follow your house rules. And what will you do if they don't? Figure this out with your husband, too. Would you go so far as to tell them to stay in a hotel if they can't behave themselves? (I think you should, but I'm not you or your spouse, so I don't get a vote.) It won't be easy. You're going to get what behaviorists call an 'extinction burst.' When an action doesn't get the desired response, we don't give up, we double down. What would you do if your go-to vending machine didn't dispense your usual afternoon Diet Coke? Shake it, kick it, punch buttons. In this situation, the Coke machine is you—get it? Be prepared for that. Your final suggestion isn't exactly practical, but it does show you have a sense of humor. You're going to need that, along with stamina. Advertisement Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
Boston Globe
15-07-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
My co-worker revealed things about my family to people in our office
L.N. / Maryland You can't undo your co-workers' knowledge, but you're right: This is not an appropriate topic for the workplace. It doesn't sound as though you should handle the situation alone anymore. Talk to your human resources representative or your manager about what is going on. Ask for help in creating a message to disseminate to your co-workers ('I had compelling reasons for saying what I did. In a work environment, where it's not relevant, I want my background to be a private matter' should do) and for support in getting your message out there and muscle to end the office speculation. HR and management may or may not choose to discipline the employee who outed you. (If he were my subordinate, I'd come down on him like a tropical monsoon, but that's me.) They should, however, be able to help you keep your private life private. Many times invitations overlap with travel plans, volunteer activities, or events with family and friends — is it polite and sufficient to respond, 'Thanks, but we are unable to join you'? I always feel the need to explain why. Also, how do you get someone to stop inviting you? Advertisement J.D. / Swampscott Advertisement There's really no way to ask a person politely never to invite you to anything again; it's basically telling them you don't want to be friends, which is hurtful even if true. If it's a particular type of event that you don't care for, you might say something like, 'I love getting together with you for TGIF drinks after work, but I'm afraid my foot-eye coordination will never allow me to join your Sunday soccer group. I appreciate the thought, but I think you can leave me off the list.' But why have a big relationship, or lack-of-relationship, talk when you could just reply, 'No, thank you'? 'Thanks, but I'm afraid I/we can't make it' is all that you need to say when declining an invitation, except in the case of very close family or friends. It's best, as a general rule, not to get in the habit of giving more casual friends or colleagues a specific reason, as they might come to expect it — and someday your conflict might not be travel or volunteer activities, but a colonoscopy or court date that you'd really rather not talk about. Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
Boston Globe
19-06-2025
- General
- Boston Globe
Finding the right response to someone who is grieving
They left you feeling as though you've stepped on a rake, conversationally, haven't they? I've been there myself, and I sympathize. I also sympathize with the Rejectors of the Sorry. I had to revise this column, because my mother died after I submitted it. Here is what I originally wrote: 'My own mother is in hospice care in a nursing home, living with the exact kind of debilitation and dementia she dreaded her entire busy, bustling, cookie-and-tale-bearing life. My feelings when she dies, I suspect, will be extraordinarily complicated, but it's hard to imagine her actual death will bring me more sorrow than I currently have.' My suspicions were correct. It's easy to accept sympathy from family and other close friends who understood the nature of the situation. It's harder to grapple with well-meaning condolences from people who seem to want me to feel a kind of orphaned-ness that I simply don't. All that happened a long time ago for me. You see what I mean? Sometimes death isn't the worst part at all. Advertisement Even when death is the worst part, it can be discombobulating to the bereaved to be in the middle of an everyday conversation and then have to break the news and perform grief for a minute and transition back to ordinary talk. Not everyone can manage that gracefully. Your acquaintance, I bet, can't easily do an emotional quick change from Sassy Neighbor to Empathic Daughter and back again in 30 seconds. She wasn't rejecting or dismissing you so much as she was rejecting the role that the conversation was going to put her in. Advertisement Which still leaves you, perfectly nice Anonymous, feeling rhetorically bereft. But there's a fix, an easy six-word extension to your 'I'm sorry' that can solve your problem. 'That must be difficult for you,' you add. This focuses the conversation on the mourner rather than the deceased (or ailing), and thereby allows the other person to respond according to how he or she actually feels: gratitude for family chipping in, anger at the state of end-of-life care, grief at losing the person, or any of the infinite other shades of mourning. It also puts the person in a good position to respond 'It really has been' or 'It hasn't been so bad, actually' and change the subject. Those of us who have lost a loved one should try to hear and respond to the 'I'm sorrys' as though they were followed by those six words. You can be authentic about your feelings without flinging kind people's sympathy back in their faces. I've been going with 'I'm relieved her suffering is over, and my cousins have been amazing,' which is true and gives the conversation somewhere to go—we can now talk about my cousins rather than my mother and me. This response saves the other person's face and guards my heart as well. Advertisement Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
Boston Globe
01-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Boston Globe
Is it creepy to compliment a stranger's clothes?
S.L. / Cambridge And this is why people think Bostonians are unfriendly. We're not, but we can overthink things in our efforts to respect others' autonomy. Complimenting strangers' bodies is creepy indeed, but complimenting their actions is not, and dressing is an action. Don't comment on the fit or proportion, as that is essentially a comment about the body (even among friends, the phrase 'body type' ought to be stricken from civil discourse). A simple, sincere 'I love your outfit!' is always acceptable, as is commenting on the color of a piece or the beauty of a well-chosen accessory. Compliment a style maven's coordination kung fu by praising a pairing: 'That tie and shirt look fabulous together.' I probably don't have to tell you this, but pay attention to the whole person, not only the outfit: Don't bother people whose posture and expression make clear that they are not 'open for business.' Advertisement Stylistas are also workers, parents, allergy sufferers, multi-taskers. If someone is disciplining a toddler, grading papers on the subway, or generally appears distracted, take your mental notes in silence. Advertisement Is it appropriate for a mother-to-be to give herself a baby shower? As this woman's mother-in-law, I offered to throw her one. She refused, but told me I could help pay for the one being planned. I tried to enlighten my son and sent him articles I found online saying that one should never throw one's own shower, and now they are not speaking to me. This is the same woman who said that we could not host the wedding rehearsal dinner because we would not do it the way she wanted—so she held it at her father's house, writing on the invitations 'Bring a dish.' My husband and I did not attend. Anonymous / Boston It is not appropriate for a woman to host her own baby shower —or, for that matter, for a member of her immediate family to do so. If your internet research had uncovered that fact, would you have been less highhanded about 'enlightening' your son about his wife's defects? I can hardly blame your daughter-in-law for declining your offer, given your snub of the rehearsal dinner. Your offer didn't spring from generosity and hospitality, but out of a belief that doing things properly is more important than doing them compassionately. So what if your daughter-in-law chose to have her rehearsal dinner in a fashion you found déclassé? A truly gracious person would have gone and brought a dish. Your daughter-in-law's behavior is not above reproach. Self-showering is tacky, as was offering to take your cash. But neither of you has much to be proud of. Take a deep breath, stop using etiquette as a weapon, and behave better. Advertisement Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
