Latest news with #TheBodyKeepstheScore
Yahoo
21 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
How To Start Trusting Again After A Narcissistic Relationship
A narcissistic relationship doesn't just shatter your trust in other people—it distorts your trust in yourself. You second-guess your instincts, minimize your needs, and mistake manipulation for connection. Even after it ends, the echo of that dynamic follows you into new relationships. Learning to trust again isn't about moving on—it's about rewiring how you define safety, intimacy, and truth. It takes emotional excavation, not just time. If you've been burned by someone who made you question reality, these 13 strategies will help you begin again—with eyes open and boundaries sharp. One of the cruelest after-effects of narcissistic love is associating chaos with passion. You miss the highs even when you know they were toxic. Emotional turbulence starts to feel normal. According to Psychology Today, survivors often confuse anxiety for attraction. You'll need to consciously redefine 'chemistry' as calm, not chaos. If it feels peaceful, that's not boring—it's healing. You weren't just in love with them—you were in love with who they pretended to be. Letting go means mourning the illusion as much as the reality. That's where most people get stuck. Until you name the fantasy, it keeps haunting you. You can't build new trust while still clinging to the ghost of what never was. Closure comes from clarity—not contact. Narcissists train you to distrust yourself and suppress your instincts according to the experts at Surviving Narcissism. Every time you sensed something off, they gaslit you into silence. Over time, you learned to override your own alarm bells. Healing begins when you stop second-guessing your intuition. Start tracking your 'off' feelings and honoring them—without needing evidence. Gut instinct is your recovery compass. Narcissists love the fast-forward button. Intensity, intimacy, and investment come fast—but so does control. If someone expects emotional availability without emotional safety, that's a red flag wrapped in charm. Real trust is built through consistency, not urgency. Slowness is protection, not a flaw. Anyone worth your time won't rush your boundaries. After narcissistic trauma, your nervous system gets rewired to respond to chaos. You confuse adrenaline with desire and peace with disinterest. As the book The Body Keeps the Score explains, trauma hijacks your sense of internal safety. The healing isn't just cognitive—it's somatic. Start noticing what calm feels like in your body. Let neutrality become your new intimacy baseline. Not all vulnerability is sincere. Narcissists use emotional openness as a manipulation tactic—they overshare to fast-track intimacy. If someone's story feels dramatic but hollow, pause. Healthy connection unfolds slowly, not theatrically. Look for emotional accountability, not trauma exhibition. Real vulnerability isn't a show—it's a process. It's easy to fall into the trap of wanting to be wanted. But attention isn't affection, and charisma isn't character. If you're still trying to 'earn' love, you haven't fully exited the narcissist's game. As licensed therapist and author Nedra Glover Tawwab points out, the right question isn't 'Do they like me?' but 'Do I feel safe with them?' Trust starts with protection, not validation. Love is something you receive, not something you hustle for. You stayed because you believed you could help them. Heal them. Make it work. That savior complex is a leftover survival strategy. New relationships aren't rehab centers. You don't owe anyone your emotional labor just because they've been through pain. You deserve reciprocity, not rescue missions. If you've been groomed for chaos, stability feels awkward at first. You'll wonder why someone nice doesn't excite you. You'll think maybe you're the problem. You're not. Your nervous system is recalibrating. Give it time—and give calm a chance to become magnetic. Narcissists hate boundaries—so you got used to overexplaining them. Now, even with safe people, you feel guilty for protecting yourself. You think you have to earn the right to say no. You don't. 'No' is a complete sentence, not a moral debate. The more you practice it, the more your trust in yourself grows. You learned not to need anyone because needing made you vulnerable. But radical self-sufficiency often masks deep relational fear. Hyper-independence is just code for 'I don't trust anyone anymore.' Letting someone show up for you isn't weakness. It's a risk—but it's also a step toward emotional freedom. You can be strong and still receive. Narcissists weaponize language. They say what you want to hear—but their behavior never aligns. You start overvaluing words and underestimating patterns. To rebuild trust, flip the script. Watch what people do more than what they say. Truth lives in patterns, not promises. The narcissist made you feel too much, too needy, too intense. But that's only true through the lens of someone incapable of real connection. You were hard to manipulate—not hard to love. The right person won't be confused by your depth. They'll meet it. Trusting again starts when you stop shrinking.
Observer
10-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Observer
Lessons from ‘When Life Gives You Tangerines'
'Psychologists believe that healing from trauma centres around regulating the central nervous system through rhythm, repetition and bodily safety'. I have always found watching Korean dramas challenging, mainly because I could not remember the characters' names, but also because of the length of most series. However, when I started watching 'When Life Gives You Tangerine', I knew I would be hooked. The show centres around Ae-sun, who becomes an orphan at an early age and ends up living with her stepfather, helping him care for his two young children. Ae-sun is blessed by the love of her sweetheart 'Gwan-ski', a fisherman's son and her late mum's friends, who worked as divers 'Haenyeo' collecting molluscs and seaweed from the ocean and selling them in the village streets. We also see 'Ae-sun's' paternal grandmother, despite being harsh on her at the start of the series giving up all her savings so 'Ae-sun' can buy a fishing boat. These acts of kindness are not limited to family members as we see the elderly landlords donate a portion of their rice secretly to Ae-sun so she can feed her small family. The series gives a deeper insight into the psychology of loss, grief and resilience when staying still and weeping your pain is not an option. After losing their younger son in the storm 'Ae-sun' and 'Gwan-ski' keep on working day in and day out because life does not pause. They grieve differently hiding their guilt for not saving the young boy. The psychologist Vessel van Der Lolk states in his book ' The Body Keeps the Score' that trauma recovery is rooted in the body and the mind and that healing from trauma centres around regulating the central nervous system through rhythm, repetition and bodily safety. We see the grieving couple indulging themselves in the daily routine of working and socialising with others. The father is up every morning to catch fish from the ocean while his wife looks after the children, cooking for them and then going to work after sending them to school. The family could not afford to go off sick or pay for extensive therapy sessions. They simply had to keep working and carry on. The series shows how the geopolitical factors affect the daily lives of people in the village how social customs influence relationships and how paternal stubbornness and attitude towards those perceived to be from a lower social class deprive the younger generation from marrying their first love. We also see how social values change between generations with the new ones focusing on easy and quick ways of achieving wealth. The series shows us how parents go a long way to provide for their children, giving up their dreams so their children can complete their education and have a better life. How parents continue to love and care for their children and grandchildren until they die and how love makes harsh days more bearable. Unlike other TV dramas, 'When Life Gives You Tangerines' is about celebrating life with all its sweet and sorrowful moments holding on to hope and cherishing whatever life gives you. BLURB Unlike other TV dramas, 'When Life Gives You Tangerines' is about celebrating life with all its sweet and sorrowful moments holding on to hope and cherishing whatever life gives you.
Emirates Woman
09-05-2025
- Lifestyle
- Emirates Woman
Friday book club: The complete wellness edition for mind, body & soul
As we close this final edition of our Friday Book Club, we've curated a selection of books that go beyond surface-level advice to offer genuine transformation in your wellness jouney. These are not quick-fix guides or trendy manifestos, but substantial works that address the fundamental aspects of living with purpose, health and clarity. Each one provides a unique lens through which to examine and improve your life, whether through redefining success, healing from within, or optimizing your physical potential. Friday book club: The ultimate guide to morning routines of high achieving women At the heart of this collection is the understanding that true wellness and wellbeing encompasses both mind and body. The books we've chosen reflect this holistic approach, offering wisdom that ranges from psychological freedom to biological optimization. They share a common thread of empowering the reader with knowledge that lasts far beyond the final page. The Wealth Money Can't Buy by Robin Sharma Robin Sharma's latest work challenges conventional notions of prosperity by expanding the definition of wealth to include eight vital dimensions beyond financial success. With insights drawn from his decades of coaching top performers, Sharma presents a philosophy of holistic achievement that values time freedom, physical vitality and contribution as much as material gain. The book systematically explores how to cultivate each form of wealth through daily practices and mindset shifts, offering a refreshing alternative to the burnout-inducing pursuit of success at any cost. What makes this particularly valuable is its balanced approach – acknowledging the importance of financial stability while preventing it from becoming the sole measure of a life well-lived. Order it on The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins Mel Robbins distills years of psychological research and personal experience into a deceptively simple principle that has the power to transform relationships and self-perception. The book explores how our attempts to control external circumstances and other people's actions often create the very stress we hope to avoid. Through relatable anecdotes and practical exercises, Robbins guides readers toward developing what she calls 'the ultimate emotional boundary tool.' The strength of this work lies in its applicability – whether dealing with workplace dynamics, family relationships or personal goals, the 'Let Them' philosophy provides a framework for emotional resilience that adapts to various life situations. Order it on The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk This seminal work on trauma has become essential reading for understanding how our bodies store and respond to psychological distress. Van der Kolk presents decades of clinical research in accessible language, explaining the physiological mechanisms through which trauma affects everything from memory processing to immune function. The book's real value comes from its comprehensive exploration of innovative treatments that go beyond traditional talk therapy, including somatic experiencing and neurofeedback. Particularly insightful are the sections on how trauma disrupts interpersonal relationships and the often-overlooked connection between physical health and emotional history, which largely contribute to overall wellness. Order it on The Inflammation Spectrum by Dr. Will Cole Dr. Cole approaches the complex subject of chronic inflammation with both scientific rigor and practical wisdom. The book begins by clearly explaining how inflammatory responses operate in the body and why modern lifestyles often trigger these mechanisms unnecessarily. What sets this apart from other health books is its personalized approach – rather than prescribing a one-size-fits-all anti-inflammatory diet, Cole provides tools for readers to identify their unique triggers and responses. The inclusion of meal plans, recipes and lifestyle adjustments makes the science actionable, while the underlying message about listening to one's body promotes long-term health and wellness literacy beyond temporary fixes. Order it on Outlive by Dr. Peter Attia Dr. Attia's thorough examination of longevity science reframes aging as a process we can actively influence rather than passively accept. The book distinguishes between lifespan and healthspan, making a compelling case for focusing on quality of life years rather than just total years lived. Attia covers four major areas of focus – exercise, nutrition, sleep and emotional health – with a depth that acknowledges the complexity of human biology while still providing clear recommendations. Particularly valuable are the sections on metabolic health and strength training, which present often-overlooked aspects of preventive medicine. The book's greatest strength is its balanced perspective, combining cutting-edge research with practical, sustainable application. Order it on This collection represents more than just reading material – it offers a comprehensive education in living intentionally to long-term wellness. From Sharma's expansive view of success to Attia's science-backed longevity strategies, these books provide the knowledge to make informed decisions about how we live, work and care for ourselves. They remind us that true wellbeing comes from addressing all aspects of our existence – mental, emotional and physical – with equal attention and respect. Friday book club: 5 life-changing manifestation books for ambitious women As you explore these titles, we encourage you to read with curiosity and patience, allowing the ideas to resonate and integrate gradually. The most profound changes often come not from dramatic overhauls, but from the accumulation of small, consistent shifts in understanding and behavior. May these books serve as valuable companions on your journey toward a life of greater clarity, health and purpose. – For more on how to look smart and live smarter, follow Emirates Man on Facebook and Instagram Images: Supplied & Featured Image: @ ritakahawaty
New York Times
25-03-2025
- Health
- New York Times
5 Books on Healing From Trauma
When Gabor Maté was in his 40s and a successful doctor in Vancouver, Canada, he struggled with depression and strained relationships. Picking up 'The Drama of the Gifted Child,' by Alice Miller, was the first step to understanding the root of his problems. 'A good book gives you a map to yourself,' said Dr. Maté, now a trauma researcher and author of 'The Myth of Normal.' While reading Dr. Miller's book, his experiences started to make sense. 'My depression, my self-loathing,' he explained, were a result of early childhood trauma. Trauma is a deeply distressing experience that leaves lasting effects on a person's thoughts, emotions and behavior. It rewires both the body and mind and shapes overall health. Research shows, however, that the right tools can help us regulate our emotions and rebuild a sense of safety. Many people are hungry for books that explore trauma: Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's 'The Body Keeps the Score' has sold more than three million copies globally and spent more than six years total on the New York Times best-seller list. But there are other works that can help us make sense of negative experiences. The five titles below were recommended by neuroscientists, psychologists and trauma specialists as sources to help you understand and process trauma. 'What Happened to You?' by Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey Ms. Winfrey and Dr. Perry blend science and storytelling in this 2021 book, encouraging readers to reframe the question, 'What's wrong with me?' and instead ask, 'What happened to me?' Caroline Fenkel, chief clinical officer and a founder of Charlie Health, said that after reading the book, her clients 'experience more self-compassion and a sense of agency.' And, for some people, Ms. Winfrey's star power makes discussing trauma more accessible, said Heath Hightower, an assistant professor of social work at the University of Saint Joseph in West Hartford, Conn. He recommended the book to a trauma survivor who then took steps toward recovery because Ms. Winfrey had been forthcoming about her experience of childhood abuse. Reading the book, he said, helped his client unpack her own abuse and release shame. 'No Bad Parts' by Richard C. Schwartz Lauren Auer, a trauma therapist in Peoria, Ill., said that this 2021 book is a 'go-to for clients struggling with inner criticism.' In it, Dr. Schwartz introduces internal family systems, a therapeutic model that encourages people to view their minds as having distinct parts or sub-personalities, 'each with its own emotions, voice and protective mechanisms shaped by our life experiences,' said Mollie Candib, a therapist based in New York City. 'When difficult emotions such as anger, shame or guilt arise, our instinct is often to push them away,' Ms. Candib said. Instead, Dr. Schwartz recommends addressing each part individually in order to cultivate deeper self-compassion. His self-inquiry exercise, for example, encourages readers to home in on the specific part of themselves that is feeling a certain way, and to listen without judgment. One of Ms. Auer's clients began to see her anxiety as 'a well-intentioned protector' after reading this book, she said. 'It was one of those beautiful therapy moments that reminds me why I do this work.' 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith L. Herman This book, published in 1992, is 'an underrated and pivotal text for understanding trauma,' said Prentis Hemphill, a therapist and the author of 'What It Takes to Heal.' Dr. Herman explores the political and social aspects of trauma, said Hemphill, who uses they/them pronouns. 'Survivors of all kinds articulate their experiences,' Hemphill said of the book. Dr. Herman also presents a framework for recovering from trauma that unfolds in three stages: establishing safety, processing the past and rebuilding connections, said Anita Webster, a counselor based in Houston. This framework is especially useful for anyone recovering from interpersonal trauma, including abuse and assault, she added, 'because it provides a clear, research-based understanding of how trauma affects survivors psychologically and socially, particularly when harm is inflicted by someone they trusted.' 'Waking the Tiger' by Peter A. Levine with Ann Frederick In 'Waking the Tiger,' published in 1997, Dr. Levine introduces somatic experiencing, a therapeutic approach that is aimed at helping the body to release trauma by addressing patterns of fight, flight or freeze. He looks to the animal kingdom to illustrate how trauma affects humans: When an impala escapes a predator, it may start shaking as a way to release and move past the experience. But, Dr. Levine argues, when we become stuck in post-traumatic shock, we suppress that natural response. His explanation of how the nervous system responds to traumatic experiences 'is huge for helping my clients depersonalize trauma,' said Emma Kobil, a trauma counselor based in Denver. 'When we are on guard or shut down, these reactions aren't irrational,' she said. 'They're biological survival responses.' 'It Didn't Start With You' by Mark Wolynn This 2016 book 'feels almost mystical in how it connects dots between our present struggles and our family histories,' Ms. Auer explained. Her clients experience immense relief, she said, when they learn that their struggles may be inherited from previous generations. In the book, Dr. Wolynn offers tools like the core language map, which help readers recognize how certain emotionally charged words can be passed down. In one example from the book, a man noticed how his mother repeated 'We are cursed in love,' which reinforced a narrative of abandonment. Tools like these 'illuminate secret family trauma,' even when the original trauma isn't openly discussed, said Dr. Hightower.
Yahoo
27-01-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
The McVulnerability Trap
In my psychology practice, when tears enter the room, they have a way of cutting through the noise—all of the defenses, all of the pretenses. A client's carefully constructed walls fall away, allowing something deep to emerge. I've seen this happen time and again, and it's why for years I saw crying as one of the purest forms of vulnerability—until I discovered crying TikTok. The trend is exactly what you might expect: People post videos of themselves crying (or trying not to). Some of these videos are slickly produced; some feature moody music; many rack up hundreds of thousands of views. These displays of vulnerability are, of course, not restricted to TikTok (whose fate, under the new Trump administration, is uncertain). They can also be found on YouTube, Instagram, and other apps, part of a broader online aesthetic. Influencers and celebrities strip down to what can seem like the rawest version of themselves, selling the promise of 'real' emotional connection—and, not infrequently, products or their personal brand. In a post titled 'Reacting to My Sad and Lonely Videos,' the YouTube star Trisha Paytas watches old footage of herself sobbing and is moved to tears all over again; this sort of post shares space in her channel with clips in which she pitches her own merch. On Instagram, influencers toggle between montages of sadness and sponsored videos that show them cozily sipping fancy tea. The weepy confessions are, ostensibly, gestures toward intimacy. They're meant to inspire empathy, to reassure viewers that influencers are just like them. But in fact, they're exercises in what I've come to call 'McVulnerability,' a synthetic version of vulnerability akin to fast food: mass-produced, easily accessible, sometimes tasty, but lacking in sustenance. True vulnerability can foster emotional closeness. McVulnerability offers only an illusion of it. And just as choosing fast food in favor of more nutritious options can, over time, result in harmful outcomes, consuming 'fast vulnerability' instead of engaging in bona fide human interaction can send people down an emotionally unhealthy path. [Read: The new empress of self-help is a TikTok star] Not long ago in American culture, vulnerability was largely associated with weakness. To be vulnerable meant to be helpless or susceptible to harm. Then came Brené Brown, the social worker and research professor who, with her viral 2010 TED Talk, became one of the most prominent voices transforming the perception of vulnerability for a new audience. In her book Daring Greatly, Brown defined vulnerability as the 'birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity,' and as a crucial element in personal growth—a liberating message for people raised to suppress their feelings and show toughness. This was well before the consumerist blending of therapy-speak and personal branding that has become commonplace on social media. It was four years before The Body Keeps the Score got the masses talking about trauma, and it was eight years before Nicole LePera launched the Holistic Psychologist on Instagram, today one of the platform's most popular therapy accounts. But in the past decade and a half, vulnerability's trajectory has come to mirror that of many psychological concepts—such as mindfulness, boundary-setting, and self-love—whose lines of insight have been tangled up with the attention economy and the free market. McVulnerability is perhaps an inevitable outcome of what the sociologist Eva Illouz identifies as a modern-day landscape of 'emotional capitalism.' 'Never has the private self been so publicly performed and harnessed to the discourses and values of the economic and political spheres,' Illouz writes in her book Cold Intimacies. Emotional capitalism has 'realigned emotional cultures, making the economic self emotional and emotions more closely harnessed to instrumental action.' That is, not only does emotionality sell goods, but emotions themselves have also become commodities. As people's vulnerability proxies—podcasters, celebrities, crying YouTubers—pour out their heart while shilling for their favorite cashmere brands, consumerism becomes unconsciously tethered to the viewing or listening experience. Studies have found that when people spend more time on social-media platforms, they are more likely to buy more things and to do so impulsively—especially when they feel emotionally connected to the content they watch. This is, perhaps, one of the more insidious effects of McVulnerability: It helps encourage a self-perpetuating cycle of materialism and loneliness, in which one inevitably spawns the other. Yet McVulnerability's practitioners are also offering supply to satisfy a real emotional demand. As Derek Thompson wrote earlier this month in The Atlantic, more and more Americans are retreating from in-person social interactions, turning instead to smartphones and other devices in search of intimacy. Yes, they may be communicating with friends and family. But they are also spending a lot of time 'with' people they don't know at all. [Read: 'Close Friends,' for a monthly fee] The rise of momfluencers serves as a perfect example. Many new mothers find themselves isolated and exhausted as they make the transition into parenthood. Maybe their families live across the country, or their friends are too busy to stop by. Starved for community, they might be struggling to find people with whom they can sit down and say, This sucks. On social media, they find influencers sharing tearful confessions about mom guilt or mom rage. But these posts aren't a substitute for actual community and support. Once the isolated moms put down their phone, they're just as alone as they were before. Not all of the vulnerability shared online is devoid of authenticity. It can be genuinely helpful when someone describes their personal trials publicly, such as a survivor of abuse who shares their story, galvanizing others to seek safety. Vulnerability caught on video can also offer a powerful glimpse into the gravity of collective tragedy. An emotional clip about losing a home to wildfires can, for instance, bring to life the human cost of crisis in a way that headlines and statistics cannot. And of course, some parents who share their difficult experiences online do provide a valuable service, offering validation and practical insights (on, say, postpartum depression) that aren't always accessible elsewhere. Next to those videos, it's not hard to see the ways in which McVulnerability, melodramatic and consumption-driven, merely masquerades as a chance to connect. McVulnerability offers a fleeting, convenient, and comfortable digital experience, allowing the people who consume it to skirt past the complications of being in a relationship with another person—although for some viewers, truth be told, that might be part of the appeal. In my years as a therapist, I've seen a trend among some of my younger clients: They prefer the controlled environment of the internet—the polish of YouTube, the ephemeral nature of TikTok—to the tender awkwardness of making new friends. Instead of reaching out to a peer, they'll turn to the comfort of their phone and spend time with their preferred influencers. At a talk in 2023, the psychotherapist Esther Perel touched on this impulse while discussing what she calls 'artificial intimacy'—pseudo-experiences of emotional closeness that mimic connection but lack depth. These 'digitally facilitated connections,' she said, risk 'lowering our expectations of intimacy between humans' and leave us 'unprepared and unable to tolerate the inevitable unpredictabilities of human nature, love, and life.' I understand where my young clients are coming from: Putting yourself out there is uncomfortable. But for the reasons Perel articulated, I also worry that by relying mostly on social media to encounter other humans, they're forfeiting opportunities to develop the skills that could help them thrive in the flesh-and-blood world. One of my psychology mentors has a point she repeats often: 'Vulnerability is generous.' It can be easier to project invulnerability, to pretend we don't believe strongly in an issue, to act as if we don't want. But being vulnerable—exposing ourselves via the unfiltered messiness of life—is one of the biggest emotional risks we can take, and one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person. When you choose to be vulnerable, you are essentially saying: I'm going to stand here as my full self, and I invite you to do the same. McVulnerability, from whichever angle you look at it, is the opposite of generous. It doesn't require risk. It may pretend to give, but ultimately, it takes. And it leaves most of its consumers hungry for what they're craving: human connection—the real thing. Article originally published at The Atlantic
