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Yahoo
11 hours ago
- Health
- Yahoo
When I Was 7, I Stopped Feeling Any Kind Of Pain. Years Later, I Finally Learned Why.
I got my wisdom teeth pulled without anesthesia or laughing gas. When the dental surgeon sent me home with a packet of prescription-strength Advil, I didn't take it. Instead, I drove to the community center and taught my weekly guitar class, my cheeks swelling into grapefruits as my students practiced their D-G-A chord progressions. Ego-wise, calling out wasn't an option (I was only lovable because I was reliable, I told myself) and this didn't warrant a sick day, anyway. I barely felt a thing. I also don't remember feeling discomfort when my knee popped out in gym class, or when I fainted during a sweltering marching band parade, or when my appendix almost exploded. My high pain tolerance didn't just apply to physical wounds, either; it also dulled the emotional ones. Fear, guilt, awkwardness, jealousy, grief, heartache — I could numb it all. I learned this skill when I was 7 years old. My older brother had undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Emotions swelled inside of him, too big to contain, so he'd punch holes in the walls, or burst into our rooms at 3 a.m., or threaten to end his life. Reactions only fueled the fire — my mother's anxiety and my father's guilt like kindling below the log. Coaxing my brother up from a low or down from a high required a calm, collected presence — someone who could stifle their reactions and use logic to mediate the situation. Someone whose own emotions didn't get in the way. I was the ideal candidate. By middle school, my parents had started relying on me to deescalate his episodes. When I succeeded, I was called all of the things I wanted to be: a good girl. The easy one. Such a blessing. Twice, the dispatchers on the other end of the 911 call complimented my maturity and bravery. So did the cops who took my brother to yet another inpatient facility. Eventually, I wore my robotic mask into the world to see how other people responded. Teachers loved that I got straight As and never spoke out of turn. Friends stopped calling me bossy. Adults deemed me 'one of the most well-mannered children they'd ever met.' It seemed that everyone else liked me better when I had no needs of my own, so somewhere along the line, my emotional suppression went from a temporary tactic to a permanent state of being. By the time my best friend died by suicide when we were 19, I felt almost nothing. This skill had its perks, but it also had its detriments: all logic and no emotion makes Maria an abysmal girlfriend. The only thing I could feel was the hit of dopamine that accompanied a new love interest, so I sabotaged relationship after relationship in pursuit of it. Yes, I was incapable of feeling pain — but I was also incapable of empathy, vulnerability, and connection. At 28, I ended a three-year relationship with a good guy so I could pursue an impulsive fling with a not-so-good one. Something had to give. I was tired of being a romantically inept robot. Desperate to figure out what was wrong with me, I booked an appointment with a psychologist who specialized in childhood trauma. Right off the bat, she diagnosed me with a dissociative disorder. If I were capable of feeling anything, I would've felt relief. My high pain tolerance suddenly made so much sense. According to WebMD, 'Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information,' and that includes sensory inputs from your body. One study in The Journal of Pain found that those with PTSD-induced dissociation exhibited hyposensitivity to pain. Basically, the higher the dissociation, the higher the tolerance. An overload of trauma can cause the nervous system to shut down entirely. In one of our intake sessions, I asked my therapist why I felt so addicted to my numbness. Her response was fascinating. 'Your body has its own pain-relief system, and it actually produces opioids,' she said. 'When you're dissociated, the endogenous opioid system is in overdrive. You're pumping out endorphins all the time to protect yourself from emotional or physical pain. Like any drug, it's addictive.' In other words, I didn't need anesthesia because I was constantly making my own. I wanted to be human again. I wanted to feel love, joy and gratitude — but, like a bottle of Vicodin, dissociation was my coping mechanism. So much of my identity was tied up in my numbness. I believed I would no longer be fiercely reliable. I'd have to call out sick from work. I'd have to stop answering my phone at all hours of the night for the people who loved me because I lacked boundaries. I'd be susceptible to illness, anxiety, stress, and worst of all, heartbreak. I would no longer be the girl who could handle anything. I didn't know who I was without my dissociation, but I wanted to find out. Four weeks after my diagnosis, I started Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, or EMDR. It's a psychotherapy technique that uses bilateral eye movements to stimulate memory processing, which helps the brain recover from trauma. Essentially, you focus on your worst memories and move your eyes back and forth. My hopes were not particularly high. How could something as small as eye movements fix something as big as depersonalization-derealization disorder? But EMDR worked, and it worked fast. In my first EMDR session, my therapist told me to focus on my earliest negative memory while I watched a blue square bounce back and forth on my computer screen. I did it once: Nothing. Twice: Nada. Three times: Nope. And then the dam broke open. Sensations poured into my cells. I could feel everything, all at once. One emotion loomed especially large, casting a shadow over the rest: I was terrified of being unlovable. That's why I left everyone else before they could leave me — before they could sense the messiness underneath the cold, polished armor. This odd therapy technique completely overrode my body's hyperactive pain-relief system. Over the next 48 hours, I experienced all of the hurt, grief, abandonment and heartache I had blocked out for the past two decades. It was excruciating, and I wanted nothing more than to turn back into a robot. But with the help of EMDR and this knowledgeable, compassionate therapist, I kept going. We spent the next four years sifting through these memories and emotions, finally processing them so I could let them go. When pain arose, I felt it. I let the messiness settle in my body, making peace with its presence. Despite the raw discomfort of vulnerability, the hurt of rejection, the guilt of past mistakes, and the occasional panic attack, I resisted the foggy, familiar lure of numbness. I'm still tempted by it — I'm sure all addicts are — but I've never gone back. Now, I'm in a healthy relationship with a kind, supportive man. He slept over one night two years ago and never left, but I don't feel the urge to jump ship. I no longer want to chase the dopamine hit of someone new. I want this man to know and accept every part of me, the way I've come to know and accept every part of myself. While I'm not cured (healing is a nonlinear, never-ending road), I've learned that pain is a fundamental part of life. Without it, you're not truly living. It's the catalyst for transformation. It's the compass that leads you toward growth. It's the contrast that illuminates all the beautiful parts of being a fractured, feeling human being. Maria Cassano is a writer and editor whose work has appeared in Bustle, CNN, Food & Wine, Allure, NBC, The Daily Beast, Elite Daily, and YourTango, among dozens of other publications. Represented by Emma Fulenwider at WordServe Literary, Maria's memoir about healing from dissociation, 'Numb, Party of One,' is currently out on submission to publishing houses. Learn more about it at Do you have a compelling personal story you'd like to see published on HuffPost? Find out what we're looking for here and send us a pitch at pitch@ Related... I Suddenly Have 4 Severe Dents In My Head And I'm Trying To Accept My New Appearance When My Husband Died, I Did Something That May Shock And Disturb You. I Hope This Explains Why. I Thought Coming Out To My Mom Would Bring Us Closer. Then I Received Something Shocking In The Mail. Solve the daily Crossword
Telegraph
3 days ago
- Health
- Telegraph
Hospitals are meant to cure and care for our loved ones, not destroy their quality of life
Among the daily cascade of statistics about the state of the NHS lie, as we all know, individual human stories and for some a quiet rage about how hospitals meant to cure and care for patients are destroying their quality of life. Last weekend, we 'celebrated' my older brother's 82nd birthday in a nursing home. Not where he or we had planned to spend it. In early April, he went into a West Midlands hospital with an infection, shortly afterwards diagnosed as pneumonia. He was in a four-bed section of a ward which appeared fairly well-staffed. But despite numbers, it's difficult to do one's job properly or competently when there's a dominant culture of not caring. A father of three and formerly a successful business owner, my brother has had dementia for several years now but, prior to his admission, he had a good quality of life. The pub one day or night a week for a zero beer with old friends and new, who made a fuss of him, meals out, and two days a week at dementia day care. Supported by a number of privately paid part-time carers, my sister-in-law cared for him so well, and he tucked into his food and watched his beloved sport on TV. So, what happened to all that? After four weeks in an NHS hospital, my brother was finally discharged, cured of pneumonia but unable to walk, doubly incontinent and having lost quite a lot of weight. He was not taken to the toilet but kept throughout in 'nappies'. My sister-in-law frequently had to tell staff when his bed was soaking wet. He lost weight because meals were deposited in front of patients – if you were able-bodied you ate, if not, or confused with dementia, the meal just sat there before it was taken away. Only one male nurse we saw made any attempt to help patients eat. Physio was initially offered but only when he was still very ill with pneumonia. When well enough, we asked for physio but were told he hadn't engaged. So, no physio, despite protests. He now sits in a wheelchair in what is an excellent nursing home paid for by his wife, after she discharged him, but the life he had is gone forever. Precious time was wasted at the hospital as unworkable home care packages were proposed. Having fractured her spine last summer lifting my brother from a fall and also recovering from an NHS treatment that has – at least temporarily – worsened her health, my sister-in-law can no longer care for him at home in the state he is now in. It's more than fortunate that she has the funds (for now) to pay for a nursing home. So many others have no choice but to be in the hands of cash-strapped councils. I've deliberately not shared my brother's name to protect his dignity and privacy, nor identified the hospital as a formal complaint will be made. I know that my brother's plight is not unique. But how can we ensure that the elderly and vulnerable, unable to speak for themselves, are not robbed of their mobility, dignity and quality of life as a result of such a short hospital stay. I'm angry and sad in equal measures, and determined to warn others who are older and liable to require hospitalisation, to beware. Your NHS may have some nasty surprises in store. Meanwhile, Secretary of State, it's too late for my brother, but what are you going to do and when to ensure that NHS hospitals are places of safety and prolong rather than shorten a decent quality of life?
Independent Singapore
4 days ago
- General
- Independent Singapore
‘Going out with my father is embarrassing': Teen opens up about strained relationship with parent
SINGAPORE: For most people, spending time with a parent might be comforting or fun, but for one teenager, it's the exact opposite. Posting on the r/SGexams subreddit on Sunday (Jul 27), the teen shared that being alone with her father is often an uncomfortable experience. 'Going out with my father is embarrassing,' she wrote. 'Like, let's say we are going to get something, and then he sees the price and gets mad that it's expensive and talks loudly. Of course, that attracts people's attention to look at us, right? Like, if it's only us, we don't talk one sia, legit silent.' She also mentioned that her father sometimes shouts at her without any clear reason. In one case, she said he scolded her over the phone just because she took a bit longer than expected to return home after buying food. Moreover, she added that her relationship with her father is quite distant. They hardly speak unless her mother and brother are around, and she doesn't usually approach him for help. 'I don't look for him when I need help. Like, whenever I want to buy something, I either send it in the group chat and ask my mum, because if I ask him, he would say he has 'no money.' Like, I really don't get why he can't just talk nicely. Even my grandma doesn't like talking to him. I swear, he's only okay when I'm with my mum and brother,' she wrote. 'Count yourself lucky that he is not the kind that demands money or borrows money.' In the comments, one Singaporean Redditor shared that he was going through a similar experience. 'Wah a lot of stuff that you mentioned, like how you and he are silent when you guys are together, or when asking him to do something, you don't ask him to do it directly. Same for me also lol,' he wrote. 'My dad also has a really bad temper, and I can't stand it also. To the point that now I'm older, I don't even talk to him unless I really need to.' Another commented, 'Same. At this point, I ain't talking to him. He is abusive and mean. Like, literally, you want me to do well for exams and be a good child when bro is like this.' A third remarked, 'Well, count yourself lucky that he is not the kind that demands money or borrows money from family without returning it.' In other news, a young lad recently confessed on social media that he struggles to understand why his girlfriend, who is rich, beautiful, and academically brilliant, has never walked away from him despite his flaws. In a lengthy post on Reddit's SGexams forum, he shared that he and his girlfriend come from completely different worlds. 'I'm from a single-parent, low-income household, currently studying in a mid-tier JC (junior college). I wear thick glasses, look pretty average at best, and spend most of my time buried in books trying to survive A-levels and break my poverty cycle,' he wrote. 'She, on the other hand, is rich and hot. Her GPA (grade point average) in poly is a perfect 4.0.' Read more: 'She could be with someone who has more time and money' — Man wonders why his rich, beautiful GF never gave up on him
Yahoo
4 days ago
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
Man Skips Twin Brother's Wedding After Being Snubbed at Engagement Party
A 28-year-old is asking if he made the right decision after missing the wedding A 28-year-old man is asking the internet if he made the right choice by deciding not to go to his brother's wedding after being slighted at their engagement party. On Reddit, the man shares that he and his twin brother used to be inseparable, and until recently, he thought they "were still very close." "I was always more of a shy nerd and he was an extrovert that played sports throughout our childhood and high school, but we spent almost all of our time together, by choice," he writes, noting that they went their "separate ways" around college as they went to schools in different states. While his brother remained close to home in Arizona, the poster moved to Portland after graduating. Still, he "always flew back home for holidays, events, birthdays, etc." "My brother announced on instagram that he and his girlfriend of 3 years got engaged. I was incredibly happy for him and texted him congrats," the poster writes. "He mentioned they were planning to have an engagement party in 6-8 weeks and I told him to let me know so I can book a flight to come celebrate." However, he was "never told a date" and if he brought it up with his brother or other family members, "they'd change the subject or say it's still being planned and confirmed." "After a few weeks I texted my brother to ask about the date because it must be getting close and I don't want to pay for a last minute flight. No response," he writes. 'I asked my mom for details and she said, 'It's not really an engagement party, just a small dinner with family. There's no need to come down for it.' " However, the man later found out that it was, in fact, 'a big party." "They rented out an entire restaurant for 4 hours and there were about 80 guests: family, friends, cousins, everyone. Everyone was told I couldn't make it," he writes. 'My aunt, who was like a second mother to me, texted me that she was very disappointed I couldn't make time to join and I replied that I would have happily come, but I was not invited," he explains. "Word spread quickly about my snub and my parents and brother tried to say it was just a misunderstanding." It's been nearly a year since then, and the poster has yet "to get to the bottom of why [he] wasn't invited." "Over the course of months it went from, 'It was just meant to be a small gathering,' to 'I don't know what happened, there must have been a miscommunication,' to 'It's just a party. It's no big deal,'" he says of his family's excuses. "I asked my brother if he was mad at me, I thought maybe his fiance didn't like me. Even if she or he didn't want me there, why were my parents ok with this? This really wasn't like them." The poster says holidays were "awkward as hell" as there was a clear elephant in the room. During one gathering, his sister said it was like he was "not really family anymore" since he moved far away. While the man was invited to his brother's wedding, he wasn't asked to be in the wedding party, despite his sister and younger brother being included. He also didn't get a plus one for his girlfriend of over a year, but his sister got one for a man she isn't even officially dating. "So I decided I wasn't welcome and I was probably only invited for optics and to play happy family. I didn't RSVP no since I knew that would cause a s---show, I just didn't go," he writes. "The wedding was this past weekend. No one contacted me about missing the rehearsal dinner, so I guess even if I did go, I wasn't invited to that either or expected to be there." However, one hour before the wedding ceremony, he started getting calls and texts asking him where he was. He ignored them until after the ceremony. 'I finally picked up my mom's call and she screamed, 'Where the hell are you?' I replied, 'In Portland, where you all prefer me to be,'" he reflects. "She said, 'This is your brother's wedding, how could you embarrass us?' I answered, 'It's just a party. It's no big deal, right?' It was probably the first time in my life my mother was speechless," he adds. "After a few seconds of silence, I said, 'Tell everyone I said hi,' and I hung up.' In the days that followed, his family members called and texted him to say that he was 'being petty' and "ruined the day.' Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. However, people in the comments section agreed with the man's decision, agreeing that he was "just matching their energy." 'Message your family that since they decided that you don't count as family anymore, then you're acting accordingly. They decided to essentially cut you out because you moved so they can face the consequences,' one person wrote. Another person responded, 'I'd stop going to holidays going forward too,' to which the man who made the post replied, 'Agreed. Not gonna happen anytime soon.' Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
5 days ago
- General
- Yahoo
Woman Keeps Late Sister's Ring to Remember Her. Then, Brother Uses It to Propose Without Asking
A Reddit user is wondering if she is in the wrong after getting upset at her brother for using their late sister's ring to propose A woman is at odds with her brother after he used their late sister's ring to propose to his girlfriend without asking her. In a recent post on Reddit, the woman explained that the ring was something she considered a prized possession. She explains that her 17-year-old sister died when she was around 6 years old. Due to their age difference, the two weren't close, but the Reddit user remembered "little bits of her," like "her laugh, how she always painted her nails, her posters." When the poster was 12 years old, she found her sister's old silver ring with a small stone in her belongings, and it became something she kept to remember her by. "I didn't wear it loads or flaunt it, just had it in this little box and sometimes I'd look at it when I missed her. It kinda became this one thing that felt like mine, like my piece of her," the Reddit user explains. Fast forward to last weekend, and the poster met up with her family for a group lunch alongside her 27-year-old brother and his girlfriend. "He stands up, does the big speech and pulls out THE ring. my sister's ring. the one i've kept for like 7 years," she writes. "i literally froze. his gf starts crying, ppl are clapping, i'm just sat there like wtf," she adds. "i look at my mum and she just smiles at me like nothing happened." When the poster confronted her mom, the matriarch said that her brother had asked for permission to use the ring to propose, and they said it "was fine." "She said it was sweet and symbolic and my sister would've wanted it passed down or whatever," the Redditor explains. The poster was left stunned, arguing that her brother should have asked her about it, as she had it "for years" and it was "never [his] to give." Still, her mother told her she was being "dramatic" and that it was "just a ring," which caused her to "snap" and tell her brother that she wanted the ring back. Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. He laughed her off — until she threatened to tell his girlfriend "where it came from and let her decide." "He got mad said I was ruining his proposal and making it about me like always," the Reddit user writes, noting that she left halfway through the dinner because she was in the bathroom crying. Although she realized that she could have handled the situation better, it still left her with a bad taste in her mouth. "I just felt so blindsided. It's not even about the stupid ring. It's just like they acted like it didn't matter to me. Like I didn't matter," she writes. In a follow-up post, she stated that she had listened to the comments, which suggested that she should explain to her brother's fiancée why she was upset. The two ultimately met up for lunch. "I kinda just stared at the ring and didn't know what to say and I guess she must a noticed because she began apologising a lot saying 'I didn't know I'm sorry' and I finally got 'my' ring back or whoever's ring you wanna call it," the poster explains. However, her brother called her upset afterwards, claiming that she was too young to have had a relationship with their sister, sentiments that her father also echoed. In the comment section, though, readers were still on the Reddit user's side. "They're mad because his fiancée agreed with you. That it was s----y for them to do it. And they are embarrassed. They are going to continue to make you feel like s---. Don't reach out anymore," one comment read. "Your brother didn't pick that ring because it was special, he picked it because it was convenient (and he's probably cheap). If I was the fiancé, I'd sure want to know he's not so thoughtful as he's pretending because that will definitely play out in other ways of a marriage," another added. Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
