Latest news with #familyconflict
The Guardian
9 hours ago
- General
- The Guardian
My father finally acknowledged my stepmother's cruelty. How do I ask him to reconsider their marriage?
I have a stepmother who my brother and I really despise. She has made our relationship with our dad really hard, and has tried to stop him seeing us at points. She has resented us since we were little. My dad has recently admitted that he thinks she is jealous of us and has a lot of regret for the way we were treated in the past. The trouble lies in the fact that he has said if anything happens to him (ie if he dies first) we would need to make an effort with her will-wise, to ensure we were treated fairly, as he doesn't quite trust she would do the right thing. It feels incredibly hard to acknowledge this and agree when he has essentially admitted he doesn't trust her with his dying wish. I also find it really hard to deal with the fact he is finally acknowledging how cruel she has been, but still insists we have a relationship. It makes me think he's a coward. I really want to bring this up to him, but have no idea how to say: 'Do you not think you should reconsider your marriage, based on the way in which you have shown you don't trust your wife, and believe she is jealous of your children?' Eleanor says: First non-philosophical thing: if you haven't already, I think you should get legal advice about the will. Is it that he might die intestate, and he's hoping you'll all sort it out? Or has he made arrangements, but worries she might challenge them? Legal advice would clarify what can be done now to avoid a horrible tangle later. That's hard – nobody likes to get into the details about their dad's death. Or indeed their own. But it'll be so much harder, emotionally and legally, if your first advice about a possible estate conflict only comes after he's died. To your question. You said you weren't sure how to say what you wanted to say. When we say 'I can't figure out how to say such-and-such', I always think the answer is to just say the such-and-such. You wrote it: 'Do you not think you should reconsider your marriage, based on the ways you don't trust your wife, and believe she's jealous of your children?' A heady thing to say, for sure. But it's not the word choice that makes it heady. You'd be asking your dad why he's still married. You can soften the phrasing, but it's the content of that question that makes us flinch, not the way of asking it. More frightening still is the fact that he might have an answer. Through your (and my) eyes that question is almost rhetorical: why stay married to someone you don't trust and who's mean to your kids? However, the fact that they are still married and that he wants you to have a relationship with her means that, for him, there might well be an answer. He might have considerations on the other side of the scale that outweigh the fact that she's mean to his kids. Maybe he likes her enough. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. Maybe he thinks he's too old, he's not willing to make the change. Maybe he thinks the conflicts between her and his kids aren't his concern. Maybe what look like obvious dealbreakers to you are just some considerations among many for him. The point is, your real question for him might be an even bigger flinch. Not just 'why won't you act on your judgment?', but 'why isn't it your judgment that you should leave?' It's possible he has bona fide answers – things that, to him, are more important than the way she treats you. It is hard to say which would hurt more: him not being brave enough to act on what he values, or this being exactly what it looks like when he does. I truly don't know which of these it is. I feel for you the same in both cases. I don't know whether you should ask him either question out loud; I don't know how conversations with him tend to go, or whether his answer would make you feel better. I do know that when someone isn't acting on what they say they see, it isn't always that they lack the courage of their convictions. Sometimes they're showing us their convictions through inaction.
The Guardian
9 hours ago
- General
- The Guardian
My father finally acknowledged my stepmother's cruelty. How do I ask him to reconsider their marriage?
I have a stepmother who my brother and I really despise. She has made our relationship with our dad really hard, and has tried to stop him seeing us at points. She has resented us since we were little. My dad has recently admitted that he thinks she is jealous of us and has a lot of regret for the way we were treated in the past. The trouble lies in the fact that he has said if anything happens to him (ie if he dies first) we would need to make an effort with her will-wise, to ensure we were treated fairly, as he doesn't quite trust she would do the right thing. It feels incredibly hard to acknowledge this and agree when he has essentially admitted he doesn't trust her with his dying wish. I also find it really hard to deal with the fact he is finally acknowledging how cruel she has been, but still insists we have a relationship. It makes me think he's a coward. I really want to bring this up to him, but have no idea how to say: 'Do you not think you should reconsider your marriage, based on the way in which you have shown you don't trust your wife, and believe she is jealous of your children?' Eleanor says: First non-philosophical thing: if you haven't already, I think you should get legal advice about the will. Is it that he might die intestate, and he's hoping you'll all sort it out? Or has he made arrangements, but worries she might challenge them? Legal advice would clarify what can be done now to avoid a horrible tangle later. That's hard – nobody likes to get into the details about their dad's death. Or indeed their own. But it'll be so much harder, emotionally and legally, if your first advice about a possible estate conflict only comes after he's died. To your question. You said you weren't sure how to say what you wanted to say. When we say 'I can't figure out how to say such-and-such', I always think the answer is to just say the such-and-such. You wrote it: 'Do you not think you should reconsider your marriage, based on the ways you don't trust your wife, and believe she's jealous of your children?' A heady thing to say, for sure. But it's not the word choice that makes it heady. You'd be asking your dad why he's still married. You can soften the phrasing, but it's the content of that question that makes us flinch, not the way of asking it. More frightening still is the fact that he might have an answer. Through your (and my) eyes that question is almost rhetorical: why stay married to someone you don't trust and who's mean to your kids? However, the fact that they are still married and that he wants you to have a relationship with her means that, for him, there might well be an answer. He might have considerations on the other side of the scale that outweigh the fact that she's mean to his kids. Maybe he likes her enough. Maybe he doesn't want to be alone. Maybe he thinks he's too old, he's not willing to make the change. Maybe he thinks the conflicts between her and his kids aren't his concern. Maybe what look like obvious dealbreakers to you are just some considerations among many for him. The point is, your real question for him might be an even bigger flinch. Not just 'why won't you act on your judgment?', but 'why isn't it your judgment that you should leave?' It's possible he has bona fide answers – things that, to him, are more important than the way she treats you. It is hard to say which would hurt more: him not being brave enough to act on what he values, or this being exactly what it looks like when he does. I truly don't know which of these it is. I feel for you the same in both cases. I don't know whether you should ask him either question out loud; I don't know how conversations with him tend to go, or whether his answer would make you feel better. I do know that when someone isn't acting on what they say they see, it isn't always that they lack the courage of their convictions. Sometimes they're showing us their convictions through inaction.
Yahoo
12 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
Woman's Mother-in-Law Moves in During Her Pregnancy, Says She Is 'Not Making My Pregnancy Pleasant'
Now, she's worried she made the wrong decision by agreeing to allow the woman to live with her and her husbandNEED TO KNOW A woman who will soon give birth says she was initially excited for the extra help when her mother-in-law moved in — but now, her husband's mom is making life awful In a post on Reddit, she details how the woman is being overbearing throughout her pregnancy Now, she's worried she made the wrong decision by agreeing to allow the woman to live with her and her husbandA woman who will soon give birth says she was initially excited for the extra help when her mother-in-law moved in — but now, her husband's mom is making life awful. In a post shared to Reddit, the woman details how she had only met her mother-in-law five times before the woman moved in, due to her living in China. From her post: "I have become advanced in spoken Chinese and I have spent years studying both the language and the culture. I am pregnant and will be giving my son a Chinese middle name and raising him in the culture. My MIL will be watching him when I go back to work. In return she lives with us and we cover all of her expenses." But the experience is not going as planned, with the woman noting that her mother-in-law is "not making my pregnancy pleasant." Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. "She is constantly giving me comments about how I shouldn't be drinking cold water or eating cold food because I will kill my baby," she writes. "She thinks he will die if I am too happy, or too anything. I have gently told her that constant feedback of this type makes me anxious but it has not stopped. I am triggered by it as I have had a prior miscarriage and she knows it." She continues: "I do my best speaking Chinese with her, but she often enters the room and interrupts a conversation my husband and I are having to speak to him in a dialect I don't speak. I know she's talking about me because I recognize my name in this dialect." She adds that her mother-in-law invites herself on her dates with her husband, and the two are now struggling to have alone time. "My husband doesn't want to be the middle guy, which I respect, but I do wish he would stand up for me or set boundaries," she adds. She continues: "I am [empathetic] to her situation, I truly am, and I feel terrible that I'm so upset. But I am grieving the pregnancy I wanted to have. This is very bad for my mental health and for my marriage. I don't know what to do. It feels like nothing I want matters." Other Reddit users are urging the woman to stand up for herself, with one writing: "I suggest you let yourself be the bad guy. Step into your own power. Do not be polite when she makes weird comments. Tell her that you would prefer to go on your date alone. You will feel a lot better once you stand up for yourself - better even than if your husband did it (which he should do anyways..)." Read the original article on People
Yahoo
12 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
Woman's Mother-in-Law Moves in During Her Pregnancy, Says She Is 'Not Making My Pregnancy Pleasant'
Now, she's worried she made the wrong decision by agreeing to allow the woman to live with her and her husbandNEED TO KNOW A woman who will soon give birth says she was initially excited for the extra help when her mother-in-law moved in — but now, her husband's mom is making life awful In a post on Reddit, she details how the woman is being overbearing throughout her pregnancy Now, she's worried she made the wrong decision by agreeing to allow the woman to live with her and her husbandA woman who will soon give birth says she was initially excited for the extra help when her mother-in-law moved in — but now, her husband's mom is making life awful. In a post shared to Reddit, the woman details how she had only met her mother-in-law five times before the woman moved in, due to her living in China. From her post: "I have become advanced in spoken Chinese and I have spent years studying both the language and the culture. I am pregnant and will be giving my son a Chinese middle name and raising him in the culture. My MIL will be watching him when I go back to work. In return she lives with us and we cover all of her expenses." But the experience is not going as planned, with the woman noting that her mother-in-law is "not making my pregnancy pleasant." Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. "She is constantly giving me comments about how I shouldn't be drinking cold water or eating cold food because I will kill my baby," she writes. "She thinks he will die if I am too happy, or too anything. I have gently told her that constant feedback of this type makes me anxious but it has not stopped. I am triggered by it as I have had a prior miscarriage and she knows it." She continues: "I do my best speaking Chinese with her, but she often enters the room and interrupts a conversation my husband and I are having to speak to him in a dialect I don't speak. I know she's talking about me because I recognize my name in this dialect." She adds that her mother-in-law invites herself on her dates with her husband, and the two are now struggling to have alone time. "My husband doesn't want to be the middle guy, which I respect, but I do wish he would stand up for me or set boundaries," she adds. She continues: "I am [empathetic] to her situation, I truly am, and I feel terrible that I'm so upset. But I am grieving the pregnancy I wanted to have. This is very bad for my mental health and for my marriage. I don't know what to do. It feels like nothing I want matters." Other Reddit users are urging the woman to stand up for herself, with one writing: "I suggest you let yourself be the bad guy. Step into your own power. Do not be polite when she makes weird comments. Tell her that you would prefer to go on your date alone. You will feel a lot better once you stand up for yourself - better even than if your husband did it (which he should do anyways..)." Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
13 hours ago
- General
- Yahoo
Woman 'Finally Snapped' After Years of Mother-in-Law Believing She's the 'Only Important Woman' in Son's Life
One woman says she wants to go no-contact with her mother-in-law due to the woman's continued overstepping of boundariesNEED TO KNOW One woman says she feels she's competing against her own mother-in-law, who wants to be the "only" important woman in her son's life Now, the woman wants to go no-contact But she and her husband are at odds about how much distance to keep between him and his parentsOne woman says she feels she's competing against her own mother-in-law, who wants to be the "only" important woman in her son's life. In a post shared on Reddit, the woman details how she and her husband recently went no-contact with his parents because she "finally snapped after three years of them disrespecting us as parents to our two children." "They are manipulative and everyone in their family is afraid to rock the boat, largely because of MIL. She hates all of her son's partners and firmly believes she is the only important woman in her sons' lives," she writes. She continues in the post: "She tries to constantly roleplay as 'mommy' to my children and enough was enough." While her husband was initially "on board" with the decision to go contact, he now wonders if they should just drop the issue and "keep a close eye" on his parents so as not to rock the boat. "Obviously I fully disagree. I don't care if someone is family or not, if you've proven over the past 3-4 years that you have no intention of respecting me, why should I continue to surround myself and my kids around you?!" she writes. Now, the woman says she is feeling "super frustrated," adding: "My husband is spiraling, it's affecting so many areas of our life now. I'm lost on what to do." Never miss a story — sign up for to stay up-to-date on the best of what PEOPLE has to offer, from celebrity news to compelling human interest stories. Other Reddit users recommend a compromise. "You could compromise, and he can stay in contact with his parents, but you and the kids will remain no contact," writes one. "That way, you don't have to deal with them, and he can still be close to them." Adds another: "If he wants to subject himself to their behavior that's fine, but her and the kids should not have to tolerate it." Read the original article on People Solve the daily Crossword
