Latest news with #floodlighting
Yahoo
09-07-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
What is 'floodlighting' & why are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to engage in it? Experts explain
From trauma bonding to love bombing, it seems like there is always a new toxic relationship behavior causing discourse on social media, but now there is a new dating trend on everyone's lips: floodlighting. And no, we're not talking about those bright lights in parking lots. Floodlighting is a dating trend where people overshare traumatic experiences in a brand-new relationship as a way to cement a bond. It may not be exclusive to LGBTQ+ relationships, but the queer community is uniquely susceptible to both floodlighting a new partner or being a victim of this technique that can be done unintentionally or as a premeditated manipulation technique. To breakdown why floodlighting is such a problem, how it impacts queer relationships, and what you can do if you're being floodlighted, PRIDE talked to Laurel Roberts-Meese, the clinical director at Laurel Therapy Collective, double-board-certified psychiatrist Dr. Hamilton Gaiani, and licensed professional counselor at Being Real Allison Briggs. Gorondenkoff/Shuttestock 'It's when someone discloses deeply personal or emotionally intense information early in a relationship — not for the sake of authentic connection, but to gain control, closeness, or reassurance. It's an attempt to bypass the natural progression of trust-building,' Briggs tells PRIDE. Author Brené Brown coined the in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead as way to explain the behavior of people who use intense oversharing as a way of 'soothing one's pain, testing the loyalty and tolerance in a relationship, and/or hot-wiring a new connection' to speed through the early stages of a relationship where you are slowly building trust and emotional closeness. Floodlighting is used to gain control and closeness, rather than to build an authentic connection. 'Floodlighting is a controlling action where an individual deliberately bombards their partner with exaggerated emotional reactions or comments, typically to make the other individual doubt their own senses or reality,' Dr. Gaiani explains. 'It's a controlling action to disorient the other individual, typically to deflect attention from the real problems or control the situation. The action is emotionally draining and can be extremely harmful to one's mental health.' ViDl Studio/Shuttestock Floodlighting can happen in any type of relationship, but queer people are more likely to floodlight a partner or be the victim of this toxic dating behavior. People usually floodlight a new partner as a way to create the illusion of intimacy and deeper connection, but it may happen even more in LGBTQ+ relationships because same-sex or T4T may fall into this trap more easily since they may already 'feel a deeper sense of connection over shared social and lived experiences,' Roberts-Meese says. Queer people are often dating within a small community that can feel close-knit and crave found family which can lead people to fall prey to floodlighting or be more likely to floodlight a partner without recognizing how toxic the behavior can be. Identity-related trauma (like being outed, family rejection, discrimination) and histories of marginalization are often shared to build a sense of belonging or visibility, but with floodlighting, those shared experiences are brought up too early in an attempt to manipulate. 'LGBTQ+ people have a greater need to create community and found family, especially if they have experienced family, religious, or community rejection,' she explains. It may also be harder to break away from a partner who is a toxic floodlighter if you're queer. 'Internalized issues, stigma and social pressure within the LGBTQ+ community may complicate an individual's ability to recognize or stop abusive relationship patterns,' Dr. Gaiani says. 1. Emotionally dumping on a new partner without consent before trust or a deep connection has been established.2. Sharing graphic details of abuse, trauma, or family estrangement on the first or second date.3. Quickly disclosing past suicidal ideation or mental health diagnosis in a way that puts pressure on the new partner to become responsible for your emotional well-being.4. Oversharing details of past failed relationships to bond and secure trust.5. Sharing a traumatic experience that you haven't fully processed with someone you just met.6. Divulging things to a brand new partner that you haven't shared with friends, family, or a therapist first. 'Floodlighting can seem similar to love bombing because it is overwhelming the partner emotionally, but love bombing generally starts out as an attempt to control through the guise of affection or attention,' Dr. Gaiani explains. 'Floodlighting, however, will tend to use confusion and emotional manipulation in an attempt to destabilize the partner. Floodlighting also shares some characteristics with trauma bonding, where the person becomes emotionally hooked on someone who is toxic or manipulative because of the highs and lows of the behavior on an emotional level.' While floodlighting can be incredibly toxic and manipulative, some people also do it unconsciously as a way to deal with 'loneliness, anxiety, or unprocessed trauma' as opposed to doing it with 'malicious intent,' Briggs says. Robbie Cheung/Shutterstock Whether it's a red flag depends on how often it's done and the context in which it occurs. 'One instance might just be poor boundaries or nerves. But if someone repeatedly overshares without regard for your emotional readiness or uses vulnerability to guilt, control, or fast-track the relationship, it is a red flag,' Briggs explains. Dr. Gaiani agrees, 'It is a sign of a toxic dynamic wherein one is attempting to manipulate the other with overwhelming emotional resources. It should be addressed in the early stages, and a mental health professional should be reached out to.' If a new partner is attempting to floodlight you, you need to set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being. This may mean seeking out support from trusted friends or family or going to see a therapist who can help you evaluate the relationship and work through the emotional manipulation you've suffered. Remember that you are not 'obligated to absorb emotional disclosures you're not ready for,' Briggs reminds us. And you should also be on the lookout for if the new person you're dating escapes, tries to guilt-trip you, or withdraws when you set boundaries. But what can you say to someone in the moment if they are floodlighting you? Briggs and Roberts-Meese both have some suggestions. 'I want to understand and support you, but this feels like a lot to process right now. Can we talk about this more when we've built some more trust?' 'That's a lot to take in right now. Can we slow things down?' 'Who in your life is supporting you around this?' If you have a tendency to floodlight new partners, consider slowing down when dating and try to find support and connections with your close friends before oversharing traumatic experiences on the first date. If you are dating someone new, try sharing things about yourself in layers, starting with things like hobbies and interests before diving into family dynamics and later traumatic experiences only once you've established trust and intimacy. And consider asking if it's okay to share something deeply personal with a new partner before blurting it out. 'If you notice these tendencies in yourself, it's necessary to see the harm it causes and make an effort to change,' Dr. Gaiani suggests. 'Try doing it with the assistance of a therapist to assist you in resolving the issues that cause this need for control or manipulation, such as unresolved trauma or emotional vulnerabilities.' So if you're guilty of floodlighting new partners it may be time to do some introspection. 'You cannot skip the foundation of a house; the structure is likely to collapse under pressure if you do. The same applies to relationships,' Roberts-Meese says. Dr. Hamilton Gaiani, a double-board-certified psychiatrist and recovery advocate and mental health expert at FirePit Health. Laurel Roberts-Meese, the clinical director at Laurel Therapy Collective. Allison Briggs, licensed professional counselor and trauma recovery specialist at Being Real. This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'floodlighting' & why are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to engage in it? Experts explain 15 Signs That Prove You're In A Healthy Girl-Girl Relationship If your girlfriend wants an open relationship but you don't here's what to do, say experts 15 clear signs it's time for your relationship to be over
ABC News
13-05-2025
- Entertainment
- ABC News
What Is Floodlighting And Am I Guilty Of Doing It?
Ever been on a date where someone trauma dumps their breakups, difficult childhood or mental health struggles all before your entrée arrives? You might've been floodlighted. We hear your experiences of oversharing to test the waters, speed up intimacy, or filter out people who can't 'handle' your shit - and whether this kind of radical honesty is actually just manipulative. SHOW NOTES: Floodlighting explained by a psychologist: Oversharing on social media: DM us your thoughts, questions, topics, or to just vent at @triplejthehookup on IG or email us: thehookup@ The Hook Up is an ABC podcast, produced by triple j. It is recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin nation. We pay our respects to elders past and present. We acknowledge Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples as the First Australians and Traditional Custodians of the land where we live, work, and learn.
Yahoo
10-05-2025
- Entertainment
- Yahoo
'Floodlighting' Is the New Dating Trend That's Sort of Like Love Bombing
"Hearst Magazines and Yahoo may earn commission or revenue on some items through these links." Vulnerability can be a terrifying and beautiful thing, one that's pretty much required of anyone who desires to forge and maintain meaningful relationships in life (sorry to my avoidants). But there is such a thing as too much too soon when it comes to baring your soul, and that thing is called 'floodlighting.' Coined by Brené Brown, author of The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connections and Courage, floodlighting is the practice of oversharing deeply personal information in a way that may seem vulnerable but can actually have the exact opposite effect, functioning as more of a defense mechanism to protect the oversharer from true vulnerability. Lately, the term has been making headlines, morning shows, and reddit threads as a toxic dating trend in which floodlighters unload intense info early on in an attempt to force a connection or create a false sense of intimacy with a potential new partner. In some ways, floodlighting is reminiscent of what Carrie Bradshaw once called being 'emotionally slutty' after dumping the details of her latest breakup on her new crush. But while we've all found ourselves stumbling into emotionally slutty territory after a few too many drinks or a too-recent heartbreak, there's a difference between toxic floodlighting and accidentally revealing a little too much too soon. 'It's not sharing in and of itself that's problematic; it's sharing a lot early on to force a connection that's the issue,' says therapist Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, a relationship expert at dating app Hily. 'It's the motivation behind the sharing that matters.' In a dating context, floodlighting happens when one person shares emotionally intense or vulnerable information in an attempt to fast-track a connection. Basically, they're using an overdose of vulnerability as a shortcut to intimacy. 'This can be problematic, as intimacy requires reciprocity and vulnerability takes time,' says Cohen, adding that floodlighting also puts the person on the receiving end of this emotional deluge in an unfair position in which they may feel pressured to overshare themselves. On a recent episode of On Air With Ryan Seacrest, cohost Sisanie explained that examples of floodlighting may include 'someone you just met suddenly sharing details about a painful breakup, family issues, or past traumas, making you feel obligated to comfort them' or even hard launching their therapy diagnoses to the tune of 'I have a history of abandonment, and I need to know you won't leave me.' A floodlighter may or may not be aware of the actual motivations behind this behavior, but it's still a manipulative tactic even if it's not consciously or intentionally deployed with manipulation in mind. Essentially, you might compare floodlighting to a kind of love bombing, except instead of lavishing you with gifts and affection to accelerate a relationship, a floodlighter lays on the childhood trauma and deep convos to create a facade of instant intimacy. Some daters might also use floodlighting as a kind of test to see whether a potential love interest can 'handle' them and their baggage, which not great! Again, there's a difference between floodlighting and plain old oversharing. Cohen says people may share a lot with a date or prospective partner early on for a number of (nontoxic) reasons, including that fact that some people are just naturally more open and forthcoming. For others, it may be a case of first-date nerves, rushing to fill or avoid awkward silences, or other manifestations of ultimately benign social anxiety. Oversharing crosses into potentially toxic floodlighting territory, however, when someone is divulging a lot of intense, traumatic, or emotionally charged information in a way that can make the other person feel uncomfortable or pressured to respond in kind, and failing to read those cues. And even if the floodlighting works and the person on the receiving end does feel like getting vulnerable themselves in a way that seems to forge an instant connection, it's still not necessarily a good thing. Again, floodlighting isn't real vulnerability and the intimacy it creates isn't real intimacy—it's a shortcut. This is not to say that the 'Oh my gosh, I feel like I've known this person my whole life/can tell them everything' feeling after a particularly great first date isn't real. It absolutely can be, and that can be a great foundation on which to build actual intimacy—gradually. 'People tend to open up over time as they feel more secure in the connection and build trust,' says Cohen, adding that the pacing and timeline looks different for every couple. But overall, Cohen says it's important for the intimacy of the relationship to develop organically. Rather than forcing deep conversation to create the connection, we should allow that depth to come from the connection itself as it evolves. You Might Also Like Here's What NOT to Wear to a Wedding Meet the Laziest, Easiest Acne Routine You'll Ever Try
