Latest news with #momguilt
Fast Company
4 days ago
- General
- Fast Company
How to move past ‘mom guilt' in a world that thrives on it
WORK LIFE They key is to realize it's them, not you. [Source Photo: Freepik ] BY Jessica Wilen, Ph.D is an executive coach and the founder of A Cup of Ambition, a popular newsletter about working parenthood, the psychology of work, and women in leadership. Listen to this Article More info 0:00 / 6:29 'Mom guilt' is such a familiar phrase that we rarely stop to ask what it really means—or why it's so persistent. It describes that quiet, gnawing feeling that many mothers carry: that we're not doing enough, not present enough, not loving, patient, or creative enough. That we're falling short, even when we're doing our best. But what if that guilt isn't just about personal choices? What if it's not a private emotional shortcoming, but a reflection of something much larger—cultural messages, historical expectations, and systemic gaps that shape how mothers live and feel today? This essay offers a different way to think about mom guilt: not as a flaw in individual women, but as a symptom of a society that demands too much, offers too little, and then asks mothers to feel bad about the gap. Subscribe to A Cup of Ambition. A biweekly newsletter for high-achieving moms who value having a meaningful career and being an involved parent, by Jessica Wilen. To learn more visit SIGN UP A guilt with no off switch Psychologically, guilt is often defined as a moral emotion—a response to doing something wrong and wanting to make it right. But mom guilt rarely stems from a specific mistake. Instead, it often shows up as a vague, persistent sense of inadequacy. It lingers, shapeless but heavy. Because it's so diffuse and constant, mom guilt may be less a personal emotion and more a shared emotional pattern—a kind of cultural atmosphere. Cultural theorist Raymond Williams called this a structure of feeling: not a formal rule, but a common way of feeling shaped by a particular time and place. In this view, mom guilt isn't just something mothers feel—it's something we've been taught to feel. Where did these expectations come from? To understand how this emotional pattern developed, we need to look at the historical construction of the 'good mother' in American culture. After World War II, the ideal mother was cast as a full-time homemaker: white, middle-class, married to a breadwinner, and entirely devoted to her children. Her work was invisible but essential, and her worth came from self-sacrifice. By the 1990s and early 2000s, that ideal had morphed into what sociologist Sharon Hays called intensive mothering: mothers were now expected to be constantly emotionally attuned, manage every detail of their child's development, follow expert advice, and sacrifice their own needs to do it all. And even as more women entered the workforce, this new model still assumed unlimited time, energy, and emotional bandwidth. The result? Many mothers felt stretched thin, torn between competing demands: be selfless but successful, always available but independent. Mom guilt wasn't a sign of failure—it was a natural outcome of being asked to do the impossible. The role of systems—and their silence These expectations don't exist in a vacuum. They're intensified by how little structural support American families receive. Unlike many wealthy countries, the U.S. offers no guaranteed paid parental leave. Childcare is expensive and hard to access. Most workplaces still operate as if someone else is handling everything at home. advertisement When mothers feel exhausted or overwhelmed, the message they receive is: Try harder. Be more grateful. Find balance. This reflects a deeper cultural logic—one that blames individuals for structural problems. In this model, the solution to burnout is self-help, not social change. Mom guilt thrives in this space. It turns systemic failure into personal shame. It keeps women striving, quiet, and inwardly focused—wondering if they're doing enough, instead of asking whether society is. Guilt is gendered It's also important to say this clearly: mom guilt is not evenly distributed. Fathers, especially in heterosexual partnerships, are rarely expected to feel guilty for long work hours or needing rest. When they show up for parenting, they're often praised for 'helping.' Mothers, by contrast, are expected to organize their lives—and emotions—around their children's needs. Sociologist Arlie Hochschild called this emotional labor: the often invisible work of managing others' feelings. In families, mothers are expected to carry the emotional weight. When they fall short, they feel guilt—not just about actions, but about presence, patience, and even joy. So what do we do with it? Rather than telling mothers to 'get over' their guilt, we might ask: what is this guilt doing? Who benefits from it? Mom guilt isn't just a feeling—it's a social mechanism. It keeps women pushing toward unattainable ideals, keeps them quiet about their needs, and keeps attention focused inward instead of outward. It makes it harder to question the systems that are, in fact, failing us. There's no quick fix. But there's power in naming it. When guilt creeps in, we can pause and ask: Where did this 'should' come from? Whose expectations am I trying to meet? What would I need—personally and structurally—to feel less torn? These questions won't erase guilt, but they can loosen its grip. They shift the story—from one of individual failure to one of cultural clarity and collective care. Subscribe to A Cup of Ambition. A biweekly newsletter for high-achieving moms who value having a meaningful career and being an involved parent, by Jessica Wilen. To learn more visit SIGN UP The super-early-rate deadline for Fast Company's Most Innovative Companies Awards is Friday, July 25, at 11:59 p.m. PT. Apply today. ABOUT THE AUTHOR Jessica Wilen, Ph.D., is a trusted partner to top-tier leaders and organizations looking to elevate their leadership, strengthen teams and cultivate sustainable, high-performing cultures. As a member of the Fast Company Creator Network and author of the popular newsletter, A Cup of Ambition, Jessica writes about working parenthood, the psychology of work, and women in leadership. More
Yahoo
08-07-2025
- General
- Yahoo
10 Mindset Shifts & Actions for Working Moms to Find Balance
Finding balance as a working mom, whether in or out of the home, is something of a unicorn. Though it often feels like an impossible balancing act, there are some things we can do to make the process easier on ourselves. There's no time for mom guilt when we're so busy working hard and momming even harder. This is how you can balance work with being a present mom and stop stressing over how to manage it all perfectly. Much of the stress and guilt that comes with being a working mom (or just a human in general) is from the unrealistic expectations set by society. Instead of leaning into those expectations and trying to meet them, let them go. You don't have to be all the things society says you should. You just need to show up every day in whatever imperfect form you can. Perfection isn't possible in anything, and that can be a freeing thought in the midst of striving for unrealistic goals. The only expectations you need to meet are your own, and you get to set them and change them as you see fit. Related: Spending quality time as a family is one of the more challenging sides of being a present mom when you're also killing it at work. You might use a schedule or calendar to manage work deadlines and meetings. So, use that same method for managing your family time. Schedule the days or hours you want to spend investing in and enjoying time as a family. This makes it easier to see your week as a big picture and let go of guilt when working because you know that special time together is coming up. As a busy working mom, one of my favorite hacks is choosing one Saturday per month, where I say no to everything outside of my home, even fun things with friends. This means I have one entire weekend every month to focus on family time and rest. Sometimes, feeling less alone can make the whole experience easier. When you connect with other moms, you can see how your own struggles with balancing work and parenthood aren't rare at all. In fact, you might see that no mom is spared the stress of striking that balance. If you're struggling to make mom friends, here are a few things you might try: Befriend a coworker who's also a mom. Join a local mom's group. Connect with other moms on social media. Find women within your church or neighborhood in a similar season of life. Connect with the parents of your child's classmates. Connecting with other moms also offers your children new friendships and could create an opportunity to exchange childcare responsibilities. Sleep may not be your most frequent friend in the early motherhood years (or if you're working overtime to reach a specific goal), but good rest is essential for your overall health. When you can, prioritize resting well. This might mean taking time off every few months or swapping weekend mornings with your spouse so you can sleep in sometimes. When you're well-rested, it's much easier to manage all the things you have to do as a mom and a businesswoman. Boundaries aren't always the most fun thing to think about or set. But they can be so beneficial for your stress levels and peace of mind. You may need to set boundaries with coworkers, management, clients, or even yourself. This can be something as simple as communicating that you can't cover unexpected shifts during this season or that you will not be answering client emails after a certain time of day. Small boundaries that ease your stress levels and give you space to be present at home are the same boundaries that help you return to work refreshed and ready to tackle another day. Just as you set boundaries at work, it's also important to set expectations at home. As with the expectations you set for yourself, those are entirely up to you. Sit down with your partner and figure out what schedule, goals, and realistic expectations are possible for your family. Then, lay them all out for the whole family to see what each day will look like. When expectations are set based on what you can actually accomplish in a day, no one feels caught off guard by a dinner of takeout or an early morning. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the demanding toddler years or the stressful teen years. If work is busier than usual because of a smaller team or a company transition, it's normal to feel overworked. What these two things have in common — stress at work and home — is that they both exist in seasons. The toddler years and the shorthanded days at work won't last forever. That major project you're working extra hours for will come to an end. The kids will need less help with homework as time goes on. Remind yourself that life comes in seasons, and just because this season is hard doesn't mean it will last forever. Much of balancing work life and mom life involves compromise. Sometimes, you skip sleep, and sometimes, you skip a lunch break. But it's up to you to decide what things you refuse to compromise on. Once you decide the areas of your family and work life that you won't compromise on, you can set the appropriate boundaries and focus your energy on those uncompromising areas of life. This helps relieve the stress caused by some of the smaller things you don't mind compromising on. Compromises will look different for everyone. One mom may choose to use screen time for her children so she can be productive while working from home, while another mom might choose to work later so screen time is less frequent. Only you get to decide what's right for you, and these areas of compromise can change with time. Working moms have to multitask from time to time. You might often find us making dinner while taking a client call. But there are moments, whether you're giving a presentation or watching a dance recital, where you can be fully present. For the moments you're able to, soak in everything you can. Maybe it's breathing in the sweet smell of your baby's hair as they drift off to sleep. Maybe it's thinking back over a successful workday on the drive home. When multitasking isn't necessary, being present will offer you joy in the moment and help you reap the benefits of motherhood and a career. Related: Bad days in motherhood and at work are going to happen. The key is remembering that one bad day does not define you as a mom, employee, or business owner. When you lose your cool with the kids or run late for soccer practice, remember that you're still a good mom who loves her kids. When you forget a deadline or head into a meeting late, focus on the work wins you've had recently. Bad days happen to everyone, and they are nothing more than bad days. From your desk to your child's bedside, you're the woman for the job. You may not be the same woman you were before becoming a mom, but the dedication required in motherhood only spills over into making you even better at your job now. It's not always easy, and every day looks different, but you're crushing this working mom gig, even when it feels like you aren't.
