28-07-2025
10 Subtle Signs a Friendship Is Draining You, Psychologists Warn
10 Subtle Signs a Friendship Is Draining You, Psychologists Warn originally appeared on Parade.
At their best, friendships are relationships that fill our cups rather than empty them. However, psychologists warn that , and many people attempt to stay the course out of guilt, obligation or fear of confrontation. However, it's crucial to consider your energy levels after connecting with a friend."When you're consistently walking away from interactions feeling anxious, used or mentally foggy, that's your nervous system signaling that something isn't right," shares , an NYC-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind. "Recognizing the emotional toll certain relationships take allows you to set better boundaries and prioritize the connections that genuinely restore and ground you."To do that, you'll want to recognize the subtle signs that a is draining you. Psychologists share easily overlooked red flags that your friendship is a total energy vampire, plus what to do to feel less
10 Subtle Signs a Friendship Is Draining You, Psychologists Reveal
1. Your joy levels are low when you see their name on your phone
Your joy and energy levels often go hand in hand when it comes to friendship. Healthy friendships energize you, and you get a pep in your step when you see that friend texted you. Depleting ones may prompt you to slog over to pick up the phone, the dread building with each step."Sometimes we're tired, so we may chalk the lack of joy up to that, which it genuinely could be, but other times that internal sense is an indication that something has changed within the relationship and that it is not as fulfilling as it once was," points out Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with
2. You need a rehearsal before a hangout or call
The idea that "all the world is a stage" certainly feels true in a toxic friend's case. Dr. Hafeez says feeling the need to rehearse what you're going to say before seeing or calling a friend is another early sign that the relationship is going in the wrong direction."It can seem like you're just being thoughtful, but it's a sign you're managing their reactions instead of showing up freely," she explains.
3. Not reaching out when they have major life events
Your pal reveals their engagement or that they got a puppy on social media. In the past, you'd immediately double-tap the post, comment and follow up with a gleeful phone call or text. Now? The post is lucky to get a thumbs-up reaction. The same goes for when big things happen to you, and you don't feel the need to tell them."If you notice life events happening, and you aren't sharing them with this person, it is worthwhile to explore why," Dr. Smith says. "We usually reach out to share cheer when joyful things happen and solicit support during a struggle. If these life events are happening and you're not reaching out to this friend, it could be an indication that they are not nourishing you."Related:
4. Things feel lopsided
Friendships can ebb and flow. Like a seesaw, one friend may need more from you, and then it flips. However, there should typically be reciprocity, with the friend offering you the same grace during "your season." In draining friendships, one person seems to have an "eternal season of me." For instance, Dr. Smith says this sign can manifest as a pal who never asks how you're doing or insists on choosing activities you don't mutually also stresses the importance of reflecting before accusing a friend of this one. Look for patterns first. "It is the frequency of them and how they are interspersed—or not—with questions about you and the inclusion of activities you enjoy too," she explains.
5. There's unfriendly competition
Friendships can involve a lot of fun and games. However, constant competition can become exhausting, especially because—outside of a friendly pickleball tournament—we should feel like we're on the same team as our "crew.""If you feel like there is a competition between you and your friend and sense that they are comparing your lives to try to prove their point, it is definitely unhealthy," shares Kaja Sokola, CP, LPC, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist. Related:
6. You share less
You may pick and choose what you tell certain friends. However, Dr. Hafeez notes that sharing less is a clue you're not feeling the same way about someone."It feels like you're just becoming more private, but in reality, you might be protecting yourself from being judged, dismissed or overshadowed," she says.
7. You start feeling guilty for not responding quickly
This one is especially easy to overlook because your guilt may not be telling you what you think it does."Guilt can disguise itself as being a 'good friend,' but if you're always feeling on edge about meeting their emotional needs, that's not healthy reciprocity," Dr. Hafeez
8. You're second-guessing yourself
Dr. Hafeez says people in draining friendships often start as Monday-morning quarterbacks."When you leave interactions second-guessing yourself or feeling like you said the wrong thing, it often goes unnoticed because it gets chalked up to insecurity," she explains. "However, if that only happens with this one person, it's a sign their presence might be eroding your confidence."
9. You feel chronically exhausted after interactions
You're sleeping like a baby, work is going swimmingly and yet? You need 10 hours of shut-eye after an hour with this person. Dr. Smith says that feeling exhausted after interacting with a friend without a physical reason is a red flag. "This can be an indication that you feel like too much is being taken from you or that you are giving too much," she says. "It can be tough to pick up on this sign when we are not being honest with ourselves about how we feel, or are not engaging in self-awareness or reflection to even notice it."
10. Your gut is screaming at you
It's a good idea to tune into what your gut is telling you."Figure out how you feel just before talking or meeting your friend," Sokola says. "If you feel tense and don't want to follow up... it means that your instinct is telling you to step away."Related:
5 Tips for Coping With Draining Friendships
1. Gain perspective
People can be "friends forever." However, Sokola notes that it's crucial to remember that people aren't stagnant, and neither are relationships."Friendship goes through different phases," she says. "Sometimes, we just need a space and distance, but if the friendship is real, it will survive."
2. Reflect and decide
You may think—especially in the polarizing age of TikTok—that psychologists will recommend you walk away from a friendship that is draining you to protect your mental health. However, Dr. Smith takes a more nuanced approach and reports that even a draining friendship can turn around. She suggests asking yourself:
Do I want to have a conversation with the person to discuss potential changes we can make together?
Are there things I can change within what I'm doing, saying or expecting that can help things improve?
Might I want to end the relationship?
"Depending on the length of time and quality of the friendship, I recommend at least considering what you can do on your own or a conversation with the person to ensure you are not engaging in problematic avoidance coping," she says. "However, sometimes ending a friendship will be what is needed, whether it is an early step or an eventual step."Related:
3. Engage with intention
If you want to maintain the relationship and are scared it will continue to deplete your life energy, Dr. Smith and Dr. Hafeez suggest being intentional about how you connect with this person."Set up time together in a way that works for you both, not just that person," Dr. Smith Hafeez recommends avoiding late-night calls, especially if they devolve into a venting session that casts you in the role of an unpaid therapist. She adds that you might start to limit the frequency of contact and suggests sticking to neutral locations for get-togethers."Meeting for a group activity, a walk or a brief coffee makes the time feel contained and less emotionally loaded," she
4. Don't overshare
They say sharing is caring. However, not oversharing with a friend who depletes you is a form of self-care."Keep your updates light and general," Dr. Hafeez recommends. "The less personal material you offer, the less you feed a dynamic where they vent and you absorb. It helps shift the tone from emotional dumping to something more manageable."
5. Empower yourself
Even if your friendship goes back decades, it's worth remembering that you still have choices in how you show up for relationships in your current era."Remind yourself that you have a choice each and every time you interact and that you are choosing to interact for X, Y and Z reasons," Dr. Smith says. "Reminding yourself of the reasons [for the friendship] can be helpful because it reconnects and grounds us in why it is meaningful and valuable to us."Up Next:Sources:
Dr. Sanam Hafeez, Psy.D., an NYC-based neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks
Kaja Sokola, CP, LPC, a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist
10 Subtle Signs a Friendship Is Draining You, Psychologists Warn first appeared on Parade on Jul 28, 2025
This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 28, 2025, where it first appeared.
