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Life isn't fair or easy, but forgiveness and love help us move forward
Life isn't fair or easy, but forgiveness and love help us move forward

Yahoo

time11 hours ago

  • General
  • Yahoo

Life isn't fair or easy, but forgiveness and love help us move forward

Life is not always fair. I know people who are or have been in difficult situations. Often forgiveness and love help them in navigating life. That means self-forgiveness, too. I listened to a person share that they can forgive others much easier than they can forgive themselves. This reminds me of a picture of a boxing ring with only one person in it. The person is taking a pummeling, but they are beating themselves up. Not that each of us should not own our piece of a situation, but I find people can be hard on themselves. When I was 31, I entered therapy for the first time. I was so sad. It was a feeling that I had dug a deep hole for myself that I could never dig out of. I shared with the therapist all the mistakes I had made. She pointed out the good qualities she recognized in me. When she did this, I became uncomfortable. She then told me that I let in negatives and filter out positives. I share this story often. The message is, Do not filter out positives. When people receive positive feedback, an initial reaction can be deflection. I say to someone what a good job they are doing, and the response might be, 'It is nothing,' or, 'Anyone would do the same thing,' or, 'It was luck.' I then encourage the person to say 'thank you' without deflecting the positive. As I also often share, it takes hearing three positives to one negative for a person to feel good. A person will never feel good if they do not let in the positives. Forgiveness fits in this space. Yes, one can regret the past and learn from it, but to move forward, forgiveness is important. It is by forgiving others that we learn how to forgive ourselves. Another word that ties in here is love. A statement heard in the rooms of recovery is, We will love you until you learn to love yourself. This statement is so powerful. It is what we're called to do for others and for ourselves. A few tips: You do not have to be alone. Reach out to others for help. Yes, it is good to be self-aware and identify areas to be improved upon and actions to apologize for. However, do not filter out the positives. Here is an exercise I share in meetings: I have people write their name on top of a piece of paper. The papers are then passed around the group. Each person can pass or choose to write something about the person whose paper they have in front of them. When the papers are completed, each person leaves with a list of positives written on their paper. It helps people with their ability to see what is right. Do not hold on to anger or resentment. Forgive yourself and others. Love freely. Do not hold back on letting people know you love them. We will never regret sharing love. We are blessed to be alive. Do your best to live in the now. Each day is a gift to be opened and lived…that's why they call it the present. Quint Studer is the author of 16 books on leadership in the workplace and the community. His book Building a Vibrant Community is a valuable resource for civic leaders, business owners, and all citizens who have a stake in building a community they can be proud to call home. In Sundays with Quint, he shares a selection of his popular leadership columns for leaders, employees, and business owners in all industries. He can be reached at Quint@ This article originally appeared on Pensacola News Journal: Studer Life isn't easy, but forgiveness and love help us move forward

3 Relationship Myths To Let Go Of For Healthier Love, By A Psychologist
3 Relationship Myths To Let Go Of For Healthier Love, By A Psychologist

Forbes

time3 days ago

  • General
  • Forbes

3 Relationship Myths To Let Go Of For Healthier Love, By A Psychologist

Could your beliefs about love and relationships be setting you up for disappointment? Rethink these ... More three myths for a more authentic connection. We all carry internalized beliefs about what an ideal relationship should look like, how love is supposed to feel and how the 'right' person would act in a relationship. These beliefs usually become the guiding factor in how you judge people and show up in your relationships. Sometimes, these beliefs can be misguided, since they're often a product of suggestions from your surroundings. These might be interpretations of love based on the relationships you grew up watching, advice you may have heard in passing or the idealized versions of love you've watched in movies. While these may seem harmless or even helpful, it helps to pause and question the standards you hold for what you think is right or ideal in a relationship. This is because often, it's not the relationship itself that causes frustration or doubt, but the assumptions you may have attached to it. Reflecting on your assumptions can help bring awareness to whether your beliefs are setting your relationship up against an unachievable or impractical standard. Once you begin to reflect, you may realize that some beliefs you've held onto are more limiting than helpful. Here are three common relationship myths you should rethink. It's common for people to believe that partners should always compromise equally in a relationship. This is natural because, in essence, it sounds fair to want a sense of evenness and balance in love. But the reality is, no matter how hard you try, love cannot be a perfectly balanced scale. A relationship involves the coming together of two dynamic individuals, which means effort, sacrifices or needs will not always look the same. Research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2012 supports this. Researchers explored the effects of daily sacrifices in romantic relationships on relationship satisfaction and how this might depend on a person's attachment style. They found that the more difficult someone felt their own or their partner's sacrifice was, the less satisfied they felt in the relationship that day. This may be because such sacrifices on either end can be overwhelming for both partners. Additionally, researchers also found that when people made more sacrifices in a day, they usually felt more satisfied in their relationship. However, this largely applied to those with low attachment anxiety. For people high in attachment anxiety — characterized by a strong desire for closeness and a need for reassurance in relationships — making more sacrifices didn't make them feel better. This was probably because they were more concerned about whether their partner appreciated what they'd done for them. Lastly, participants' satisfaction didn't change much based on how many sacrifices their partner made. Researchers suggest that this is likely because they didn't always notice or know about these sacrifices. The main takeaway is that more than the quantity of sacrifices, what matters is how those sacrifices are perceived and felt. Even small gestures can deepen connection when they're made with ease and emotional attunement. It's important to keep in mind that a relationship is not about scorekeeping. Instead, it's more helpful to cultivate open communication and make space for each other's efforts, however big or small they may be. We're often conditioned to believe that a relationship should flow effortlessly or should not feel like 'work' when it's right. However, that's not the reality of a healthy relationship. The truth is, being willing to put in effort and working towards constantly evolving yourself and the relationship is a sign of emotional maturity. 'If it's meant to be, it should be easy' is a very common 'destiny belief;' the idea that two people are either meant to be or not. However, destiny beliefs can be detrimental to relationship longevity. A two-year longitudinal study of over 900 couples found that those who strongly believed their relationship was 'meant to be' started out more satisfied, surely. But they also gradually experienced faster declines in satisfaction over time. This happened because when problems arose, destiny believers often saw these as signs their love wasn't meant to last. Instead of working through difficulties, they tended to avoid tough conversations or even walk away. This is the result of having a very fixed mindset towards love and relationships. In reality, relationships that last have often evolved with conscious effort from both partners. This happens because people who believe love is something you build through patience and growth tend to approach challenges with curiosity rather than panic. So, a healthier approach to relationships is the mindset of 'we build this together.' This mindset helps you embrace growth in love and build a relationship that truly stands the test of time. Another common belief is that you need to be completely healed before you enter a relationship. You may even think, 'I'm too broken to date,' and hold back until you feel perfectly whole. But the truth is that healing is an ongoing process. You don't have to be completely 'fixed' to build a meaningful connection. What's more important is being self-aware and willing to grow alongside your partner to build a healthier and more authentic relationship. A supportive partner can help you become a better version of yourself. No matter how 'ready' you feel, there's still a chance that inner wounds resurface unexpectedly — and that's completely alright. This does not mean you have to avoid being in a relationship altogether. This just means you still get to work on yourself as your relationship evolves. A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology explored whether providing daily support to one's romantic partner, specifically related to physical activity, could also benefit the provider, rather than just the receiver. Researchers studied overweight and inactive couples, questioning if helping one's partner pursue fitness goals would improve their own health behaviors, emotional well-being and relationship satisfaction. Sure enough, researchers found that on days when people provided more support to their partners, they engaged in more physical activity themselves (measured objectively via accelerometers). They also reported feeling happier, less stressed and more satisfied in their relationship the same day. When your partner supports you, it can be inherently rewarding to them to be of help. It also encourages both partners to work toward shared goals. When both partners show up with awareness, care and accountability, the relationship becomes a safe place for both partners to grow, where deeper healing can happen together. Helping your partner may build a sense of connection and purpose, all of which enhance well-being for both partners. This shows that support strengthens relationships by making both partners feel valued. That said, it's also important to remember that your partner can only support you. It's not their job to fix you, nor are they your 'savior.' The way you take responsibility for your triggers, communicate your needs and show up with emotional honesty is what shapes the relationship. In the end, what truly matters is showing up with self-awareness, a willingness to grow and the ability to offer and receive support. Letting go of rigid relationship myths isn't about lowering your standards. It's a chance to re-evaluate your idea of right and wrong in love. When you challenge outdated beliefs, you can open yourself up to greater emotional growth. Relationships don't thrive because they meet some ideal checklist, but because both people are willing to show up as they are and are committed to co-creating something meaningful. The real magic lies in choosing each other through the discomfort and the healing, over and over again. How many romantic myths do you subscribe to? Take the science-backed Belief In Marital Myths Scale to learn where you stand.

‘I'll be grand,' I reassured my concerned child and headed on my merry way
‘I'll be grand,' I reassured my concerned child and headed on my merry way

Irish Times

time6 days ago

  • General
  • Irish Times

‘I'll be grand,' I reassured my concerned child and headed on my merry way

I did something completely out of character recently. Something which made one of my children even sit up at the mention and ask, 'Mum, are you okay'? Something so alien a concept to another that he thought he'd actually misheard. Yes, it was unexpected. Yes it appeared to come from left field. But yes, also, it was time to grab the bull by the horns and take control. And so, in a move that caught my family completely off guard, I decided to go for a walk alone. On my own. With no one else, like. READ MORE And I wasn't going anywhere in particular either. We didn't need milk, bread, chocolate, or any other essential items. I was just going for a walk for no apparent reason. [ 'Am I too old to wear this?': It's a question I never thought I'd ask but here I am Opens in new window ] Only, of course, there was actually a reason. I had realised it was time to be a proper grown up and get comfortable in my own company. It's not something I've ever enjoyed – my own company, or walking for no reason. I gave up running almost as quickly as I started, because I rarely had anyone to run with. Well, that and I was really bad at it. I dismissed other hobbies out of hand because they were solitary. And I mostly disliked working from home, even though it was the only way I could work and raise my family, because it involved significant amounts of time working alone. I like to chat. Probably a lot more than the average person. It got me into fierce trouble in school. I come from a long line of chatters, so I never stood a chance. So it is and so it always has been. But it's rarely seen by others as a good thing. And in a world full of always busy people, It can be hard to know how much chatting is socially acceptable. On the phone it can feel impossible to gauge. Have we chatted too little, just enough, too much? Has the other person gone off to do something more interesting, like empty the bins, while I was still talking? It's a minefield. Sometimes, I think I understand Gen Z's phone phobia. In person, it's easier to measure. And when you're walking with a friend, being a chatterbox is even a bonus. Walking and talking. This is where I come into my own. With all the talking, you don't notice the walking. And while I can see the point of the former without the latter, until recently I couldn't understand why you'd walk to nowhere. And stranger still, list it as some kind of self-care. [ Stay curious, walk more, and always wake at the same time: 10 habits for a better life Opens in new window ] Craving company is a trait I can see in some of my children. There are those who appear to almost wilt when out of the company of their friends for a while. I'm in the fortunate position of having children who, in spite of loving their games consoles (and, unfortunately, phones in the case of the older ones) just as much as the next child or teenager, would still always take the option of playing outside or hanging out with their friends over Fortnite, FC 25, Mario Kart and social media. So it's no wonder really that the kids asked questions when they saw such strange behaviour from their mother. 'Are you meeting someone after a while?' one concerned child questioned. 'No. I'll be grand', I reassured him and headed on my merry way. You see, I was motivated to take action. And motivated in the most unlikely way. I've never been one for motivational memes or manifesting magic, and God knows I've tried. When the weather app suggested snow last January, and I convinced the younger kids to finally go asleep with the guarantee of a blanket of the stuff when they woke I channelled my inner manifester to ensure it happened. We got rain. Turns out, Elsa I'm not. But I have a friend who is known to send the odd motivational quote or podcast, sometimes prefaced with 'now I know you're not really into this sort of thing' and, lo and behold, didn't something motivational she sent me only catch my attention. 'No one's coming to save you,' it read. 'Jaysus' I said, thinking I'd better stop eating all these Mint Crisps. But there's truth in that seemingly grim message. Life changes. Friends and family may lend you a much needed ear, a supportive shoulder, or be the company you crave. But sometimes, if they're not around, you've just got to do things for yourself. Like take a walk alone, and know it's self-care. Hang on a second, have I just gone all motivational?

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