My mother-in-law keeps pressuring my 21-year-old about having a baby!
Anonymous /
Boston
You don't say anything about how your daughter feels, and her feelings are the key to the whole affair. Is she bothered by Nana's baby-begging? If she's not, then getting upset on her behalf only makes things more stressful for your daughter.
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If she doesn't like it either, make sure she knows she has your permission and backup to politely defend herself. Let her know that Nana is being inappropriate and that you will support her if she chooses to say, 'You'll be the first to know, Nana. Let's talk about something else.' If Nana keeps up, Daughter escalates to 'We're not going to keep having this conversation' and follows through by leaving or engaging in some other behavior, such as talking to you.
If it's not possible to leave or ignore Nana for a bit, Daughter can refuse to answer questions or reply with civil non sequiturs. 'When am I going to get a grandchild?' 'Don't know, Nana! When am I going to get an African-American James Bond?' Empower your daughter to set her own boundaries. Don't set them for her.
We have a son and a daughter who may each be getting married at some point. How do parents, brides, and grooms navigate the planning and financing of a wedding these days? The rules used to be clearer: The groom's family would pay for the rehearsal dinner, the bride's family would pay for everything else. But I have heard that doesn't hold true so much anymore.
A.G. /
Boston
The old rule of one side paying for the rehearsal dinner, the other for the wedding, no longer applies. There are no rules about who should pay for what anymore, and not every wedding features a bride and groom, either. This is good news, but it does mean that doing the proper thing requires thought and conversation.
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First of all, talk to your partner. Do both of you want to contribute financially? If so, what are you comfortable spending? What feels right given your values and general gift-giving practices? And so on. Plan to contribute equally for your son and for your daughter.
Don't start a conversation about the weddings before anyone's gotten engaged, but once that's been announced, say something like, 'What kind of wedding are you thinking of? We'd like to help.' This is when your son, say, explains what they have in mind — which may be paying for it themselves, or may be not having a wedding at all — and thanks you for your gracious offer. He then either indicates whether he and his betrothed will be taking you up on it or not. Then you let them know the amount you can contribute, and you go from there. Tradition isn't there for you, but logic and love always will be. That's all you need.
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.
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