SWAT Team Robot Successfully Dismantles Black Man

The Onion

6 hours ago

LUBBOCK, TX—Saying the threat posed too great a risk to the life of its officers, the Lubbock Police Department confirmed Thursday its SWAT team had deployed a robot that succeeded in dismantling a potentially dangerous Black man.
A spokesperson for the department, which reportedly received dozens of calls from individuals claiming to have seen a Black man at a crowded downtown bus shelter, stated that a perimeter was established and the area was promptly evacuated. Law enforcement officials explained that in situations where a Black man is detected and cannot be destroyed by conventional police methods, the protocol is to send in a tactical robot.
'We get plenty of false alarms and hoaxes, but if there's a real chance we're dealing with an actual Black man, we'll always prioritize the safety of our personnel and call in the unmanned unit,' SWAT team commander Lt. Wyatt Hayes said of the robot that, with the aid of sensors mounted on its manipulator arm, could be operated at a distance of more than 1,000 feet from the Black man. 'It's our obligation to keep our officers out of harm's way if we can, and we're fortunate to have the technology that enables us to do that.'
'But what's important right now is that residents remain calm,' Hayes added. 'This is exactly the kind of threat police train for.'
As it advanced toward the target on its dual, tanklike treads, the robot assessed the scene with its camera and confirmed that an actual Black man was in fact present. According to police, the robot then began transmitting critical visual information to the specialist who would guide it throughout the delicate dismantling operation.
'You might think you're well outside the radius where a Black man can do you any harm, but you don't truly know what you're up against until you're in there,' said Sgt. Roland Meyer, visibly perspiring as he remotely extended the robot's arm and carefully guided its gripper claw into position. 'In this line of work, it's impossible to be too cautious.'
'But the public is counting on us to protect them from this kind of thing,' Meyer continued. 'At the end of the day, we just want the people we serve to feel safe in this community.'
Officers eyed a nearby monitor anxiously as Meyer rotated the robot's gripper and, once the appropriate angle had been achieved, began the dismantling procedure. After several tense minutes of precision maneuvers, the Black man was successfully neutralized and a relieved Meyer flashed a thumbs-up to a round of applause.
With no further risk from the Black man, police reopened the area to the public. While some locals returned and quickly resumed their day, others said they weren't ready to go back yet.
'I'm grateful to the police, but it's still unsettling to know there was a Black man in my very own neighborhood,' said Darlene Hoover, a resident of a nearby apartment building who told reporters she would probably stay with friends several miles away for the time being. 'For all I know, there could be one in a restaurant or at the park or the supermarket. I just don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable here again.'
The dismantling follows an incident last month in which a Black man was spotted on a plane at Lubbock International Airport but was successfully detonated by police just before takeoff.