Sex File: Sex while trying to conceive is becoming a chore rather than pleasure

Irish Examiner

2 days ago

My wife and I are trying to have a second child, but more than a year in, sex has become a chore rather than a pleasure. How can we make things fun again? Especially with a toddler on the loose.
There is a ton of information online about how much sex you ought to have to get pregnant but a lot of it merits a pinch of salt. The HSE advises sex every two to three days, but that's a lot of sex.
Results from the most recent National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in 2019 show that the median number of times couples in Britain have sex a month is three.
The median is not to be confused with the mean, which is an average including people having no sex and those who are at it five times a night. The median is less susceptible to outliers, making it a more accurate reflection of what most people are doing.
Natsal data suggests that couples have sex about 36 times a year, which seems very low. In contrast, the HSE suggests upping that figure to a minimum of 104 times if you want to conceive. No wonder you are finding it all a chore.
A year is a long time, and I can understand why you might be concerned, but you've got a toddler, so you've got enough on your plate already without putting extra pressure on yourselves.
I know many parents want their children to be close in age, but medical advice is that women should wait at least 18 months between giving birth and getting pregnant.
Most couples (about 84%) will conceive naturally within a year if they have regular unprotected sex, and the HSE advises those who don't to consult their GP. However, unless your wife's age is an issue, I suspect your GP would simply tell you both to relax.
Although that might sound patronising, there is a lot of research to support the fact that chilling out is beneficial for human fertility. In 2011 the statistician and epidemiologist Germaine Buck Louis tested the saliva of 274 women aged 18 to 40 for biomarkers of stress across six menstrual cycles.
The study showed that stress significantly reduces the probability of conception on each and every day during the fertile window.
In 2014, the results of a similar experiment, which followed 501 couples for up to a year as they tried to conceive, showed that the most stressed women had a 29% reduction in fertility.
I won't bore you with the studies that have shown male stress can impair libido and reduce fertility, sperm count and sperm mobility, but the point is, you have had 12 months of hope, anxiety, disappointment and disillusionment, on top of the exhaustion of parenting, so it is time you and your wife had some fun.
I suggest getting away without your toddler. Enlist the help of grandparents and tell them that if they want more grandchildren, they need to step up and give you a break. A study of 2,800 women by BabyCenter in the US said that nearly 50% of those who took so-called conception-moons got pregnant.
While no one can guarantee that being able to stay up late, having fun, then lying in the next morning, having sex will lead to pregnancy, I do know that it will reset the dial by reducing stress levels, and that's got to be a good thing.
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