How to Get Your Silent Dad to Talk to You

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a day ago

Credit - Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Image: Jonathan Kirn—Getty Images)
If your dad is a man of few words, you've probably already figured out that silence doesn't necessarily mean distance. 'Some men were taught to love in presence, not paragraphs—and that still counts,' says Melanie Preston, a therapist in Atlanta whose dad has always shown up strong but quiet. She remembers him comforting her during life's hard times with a pat on the back or a hand on her knee.
"That was all I needed, because it spoke volumes,' she says. 'We're talking even when we're not speaking.'
Still, sometimes it would be nice to hear, well, actual words. A Pew Research Center survey found that dads are more likely than moms to say they communicate with their kids less often than they'd like—and many young adults feel the same desire to connect more with their fathers.
We asked experts to share simple strategies to get silent dads to talk more (and maybe even enjoy it).
Some dads are doers who like to keep their hands busy. That's why it's a good idea to meet yours where he is, Preston says, whether that's underneath the Mustang he's restoring or alongside him on his canoe. Her dad owned a trucking company, so growing up, she often joined him on weekends as he was washing and fixing 18-wheelers. 'He may have been asking me to hand him tools, but we were talking about school, or he was giving me advice,' she says. Think about what your dad is currently into, and meet him there. 'I think dads are most comfortable in whatever their element is. There will be a conversation you can have, and he won't even really know.'
Eye contact can make a conversation feel like an interview, so try sitting next to your dad, suggests Nicole Herway, a therapist in Sandy, Utah, and the self-described daughter of a silent dad. Invite him to an event like a baseball game, which calls for both of you to be looking straight ahead, eyes fixed on the action. Or, go grocery shopping together.
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'If I sit down in front of my dad and ask him to share something, he's just like, 'Oh, you don't want to hear that,'' she says. 'But if you're doing something together, even as simple as going to the grocery store, you can pull down a box of cereal and be like, 'Did they have this when you were a kid? What did you eat for breakfast when you were little?'' Next thing you know, you'll be hearing all about the boiled egg he had every morning, and how there was no such thing as cereal back in his day.
Nostalgia is a silent dad's best friend, Herway says. Open up a conversation by asking him to share one of the simple stories he likes to tell again and again—but this time, ask for more details. The feelings are within the story itself, she adds, so even though your dad might not realize he's sharing certain emotions, you'll be able to notice and appreciate them.
'Dads love to say, 'It was 1962, and I was on the Red Devils baseball team,'' Herway says. 'People will think, 'Oh, there's another story, but my dad doesn't actually share anything personal.' But if you actually listen to the story, you'll see dad sharing about when he was worried, or he was overwhelmed, or he was excited. They may not label the feelings when they're sharing with you, but by sharing facts, they're letting you know what mattered to them.'
Mike de la Rocha's dad didn't often tell his sons he loved them—though he did, 'more than life itself.' 'His own father never said 'I love you,' so he showed his love to me by providing, protecting, and doing everything a societally acceptable man is supposed to do,' says de la Rocha, author of the book Sacred Lessons: Teaching My Father How to Love.
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If you're struggling to communicate in a face-to-face conversation, consider other ways to connect. You could write your dad a letter, for example, or get into the habit of exchanging emails on the weekend or a text first thing in the morning, de la Rocha says. Developing a more communicative relationship 'is a process, rather than a destination," he adds. 'It's not going to be one-and-done.'
Talking about weighty topics can be overwhelming for dads who don't share a lot. Diffuse that intensity with humor, Herway suggests. Share your favorite joke, show him a funny video on your phone, or introduce him to the latest meme circling the internet. 'I tell people, if your dad isn't cracking, try some humor—that's my secret weapon,' she says. Wisecracking helps ease the mood and facilitate conversation and connection. As Herway says, 'If the front door isn't working to get him to open up, try a window, try the garage, try a different way to get in.'
Silent dads are sometimes more comfortable focusing on their expertise than their vulnerabilities. Next time you crave a conversation, ask for help instead of firing off personal questions that may make him uncomfortable. Then listen closely to what he says, because it might be revealing.
Imagine you're asking your dad whether or not he thinks you should buy a house you just toured, for example. As he's working through the pros and cons, 'You can hear that he wants you to be secure, he wants you to be safe,' Herway says. You can then ask an open-ended follow-up: What was the interest rate on his first house?
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'Start with something he's comfortable with, and then see if you can go a little further," she says. 'Even though problem-solving scenarios aren't necessarily him opening up in the beginning, they can be a good gateway.'
Vulnerability invites vulnerability. If you want your dad to go deeper, show him it's safe, Preston says. She's found that, since becoming a parent herself, she and her father can relate in new ways, so she makes it a point to tell him about her struggles with motherhood. 'It opens up the door for him to be able to share and say, 'You know what, I didn't always have it together when your mom and I were raising you,'' she says. 'If you want transparency, try being transparent.'
If you have a silent dad, it can help to think of your relationship like tending to a garden. 'You've got to prepare the soil, put the seeds in, water it, and wait for it to grow,' says Jill Lamar, a Philadelphia-based therapist with Thriveworks who specializes in relationships and family dynamics. 'You can't force it. You lay the groundwork and then continue to come back and keep gently prodding.'
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She encourages her clients not to romanticize their vision of an ideal father-daughter or father-son relationship. There are certainly ways to encourage him to talk more, but you won't change his personality and habits overnight. Be patient, and give him—and yourself—grace.
'We've all seen those movies where the father and daughter, or the father and son, have a particular connection and an easiness with each other, and of course we want that with our dads,' Lamar says. 'They may or may not be available for that—but you can delight in whatever they are available for, and keep being willing to work at it and hope for continued movement in the right direction.'
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