Would you spend $99 on a bowl?
My mother was appalled.
'You bought WHAT?' she spluttered as I showed off my new purchase. I was excited. She was not.
'It's a delinter!' I explained, a little slower in case she missed it the first time and thought I said 'useless junk' and not 'life-changing laundry hack'.
I did a demonstration on a jumper, showing her how the little electronic device picked up all the icky little balls of wool that pop up on worn clothing. 'Isn't it brilliant!' I said.
I missed what she said after that as the delinter is quite noisy. It sounded a bit like, 'Ridiculous!' and 'Is this some sort of meditation for you?' and 'I have an old manual one that's much quicker and quieter!' and, at one point, while tutting, 'If my mother were still alive . . .' just so I understood that by making this purchase I had disappointed not only her, but several generations of my forebears.
The world is full of useless crap, unfortunately I am a sucker for most of it. However, sometimes even I come across a product that I would at least hesitate to throw money at.
Like the Face Dunk Bowl. A pitch for it landed in a colleague's inbox the other day and she instantly forwarded it to me because I guess I have a reputation now. It's a bowl you put ice blocks in and then dunk your face into. They claim it is 'perfect for all face shapes'. It is also is the exact shape of my toddler's potty.
'Until now, facial ice therapy has relied on DIY spill-prone salad bowls, made famous by TikTok, or applying ice directly to facial skin', the media kit states (and yes, I'd never heard of 'facial ice therapy' either). To illustrate the ineffectiveness of other methods of making your face really cold, the Face Dunk Bowl marketing people have helpfully supplied pictures of two unfortunate Face Dunk Bowl-less women awkwardly holding giant chunks of ice against their skin or trying to dunk their faces in comically small bowls. I have included them here because everyone has to see this. Sad women who don't have Face Dunk Bowls. Credit: Face Dunk Bowl
The Face Dunk Bowl costs . . . wait for it . . . $99. Which is a lot more than a delinter. Just saying. Chicken with Arms. Credit: uselessthingstobuy.com
If I did have $99 I wanted to spend on some useless stuff, I could just go to my new favourite website, uselessthingstobuy.com (yes, this is real and exists). It has handily curated some of the most useless things you can waste your money on. You can purchase a bean bag that doubles as a goon bag with a straw. It's called the Sit N' Sip Refillable Winebag Chair. You can sit on it while laughing at your chickens that you have attached muscle-man arms to. Or snacking on the pizza slice that you keep around your neck in a handy Portable Pizza Pouch, or simply admiring your giant cardboard cut-out of Danny DeVito. All this stuff exists and is for sale.
But really, at about the point you're about to pull out the credit card to purchase a floating poop pool thermometer or a book on how to talk to your cat about gun safety, it's probably time to step back and ask yourself if you actually need this stuff. And if you're still tempted, just go dunk your face in some ice. Nothing like looking at the bottom of a $99 plastic bowl to knock some sense into you.
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