Is It Bad Not to Have a Best Friend as an Adult?

Vogue

7 days ago

I am fortunate to have several close friends, all of whom I can turn to for guidance or support when I need it. But at 31 years old, I no longer have the kind of best friendship where you know you're each other's go-to.
I'm invited to many bachelorette parties, but never anybody's maid of honor. Where others are hanging out with the same friends week to week, figuring life out together, I'm unsure who I can spontaneously catch up with on particularly quiet weekends.
Given how difficult it is to form—and maintain—adult friendships in the first place, to have a best friend is almost aspirational. How wonderful you must be, to be loved like that amid the mayhem of adulthood. How lucky you are, to have found what so few others do after college.
It's made me wonder: Am I missing out on something important by not having an adult best friend? Is developing that kind of bond something that I should actively seek out?
Apparently, not necessarily. A best friendship, while lovely, isn't essential to having our most fundamental social needs met, according to the social scientists I spoke to. To hear them tell it, a fulfilling friendship—whatever name you give it—is one in which A) you can be vulnerable and disclose personal thoughts, secrets, hopes and dreams, knowing the other person won't betray your trust or withhold their love; B) the other person is also vulnerable with you; and C) you can count on them to meet your needs as you articulate them, and to interact with you in ways that show that they care, support, understand, and value you.
'We need people to show us understanding, validation, and care in order for us to feel responded to, feel connected, and feel good about ourselves and about those relationships,' says Cheryl Carmichael, PhD, a social psychologist at Brooklyn College. 'If those boxes are being checked off, typically that should be sufficient. We're getting the things we need.'
Experts encourage anyone feeling unfulfilled in their social life to focus on deepening their friendships rather than singling out a best friend. 'If you want to have closer relationships, enact closer relationships,' says Jeffrey Hall, PhD, a professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas.