Starmer plays royal card as he tiptoes around the madness of King Donald
How the tables have turned. Once upon a time visitors had to fawn over mad King George III and maintain the great pretence that everything was normal. Now it was the British prime minister's turn to show deference to a capricious, erratic US president who might blow it all up.
First Keir Starmer, the 58th British prime minister (does Liz Truss really count?), and Donald Trump, the 45th and 47th US president, sat side by side before the fireplace in the Oval Office. Trump stretched credulity by claiming they 'get along famously'. Starmer thanked Trump for 'changing the conversation' on Ukraine.
Then the prime minister reached into his jacket breast pocket and produced a letter from King Charles and handed it over (take that, Macron!)
But the theatre came unstuck as a baffled Trump asked: 'Am I supposed to read it right now?' Like a schoolchild trying to impress his parents with exam results, Starmer replied: 'Yes, please do!'
There was a long, agonising silence as Trump studied the letter. Oddly, he wanted to make sure it was signed.
'That's quite a signature isn't it – beautiful!'
Starmer told the gathering that the letter contained an invitation for Trump's second state visit to Britain. Trump nodded at someone as if to impress them with how important it was. Starmer gushed: 'This is really special. This has never happened before.'
Then, placing a hand on Trump's right arm for effect: 'This is unprecedented!'
But there was still some anxiety swimming in the prime minister's stomach. 'What I haven't got yet is your answer.'
Trump responded: 'The answer is yes!'
Rejoice! Rejoice! Corks pop, confetti swirls and fireworks explode. Prepare to bring the Trump baby blimp out of retirement.
Starmer calculated correctly that the puff and pageanty of a state visit with King Charles was bound to appeal to a man who, when he recently wrote on social media, 'LONG LIVE THE KING!', had only himself in mind.
On a recent episode of the Washington Week with the Atlantic programme, host Jeffrey Goldberg and guests suggested other ways for the leaders of US allies to gain Trump's respect. 'Golf and flattery,' was the conclusion, although guest Peter Baker noted that nominating Trump for the Nobel peace prize also helps.
So it was no surprise when, in the Oval Office, Trump talked about his golfing investments in the UK and said: 'I own Turnberry, I own Aberdeen, and I own a great place called Doonbeg, in Ireland, so I have a great warm spot for your country.'
Journalist Mark Austin observed on X: 'Sometimes it's the smaller stuff. I hear on good authority that high on the list of what Donald Trump wants from the UK is for the Open Golf Championship to be staged at his Trump Turnberry course in Scotland.'
Starmer and Trump is a pairing as unlikely as fire and ice, rock and scissors or cats and cucumbers. Starmer is a strait-laced lawyer who defended human rights; Trump a brash reality TV star sending undocumented immigrants to Guantánamo Bay.
Starmer has a passion for Beethoven piano sonatas and Shostakovich; Trump plays DJ at his Mar-a-Lago estate with offerings such as Elvis Presley's Suspicious Minds, Hello by Lionel Ritchie, Guns N' Roses' November Rain and James Brown and Luciano Pavarotti's It's a Man's Man's Man's World.
Starmer was reportedly a vegetarian for 30 years, though he recently went back to eating fish, making him a pescatarian – which might sound a bit too DEI to Trump, a cheeseburger champ who spent part of his election campaign dishing them out from McDonald's.
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Perhaps it was just as well we were spared a repeat of past UK-US dalliances: Franklin Roosevelt getting a full view of Churchill in the buff, later describing him as a 'cherub' who was 'pink and white all over'; the nauseating Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher double act; George W Bush joking about Tony Blair: 'Well, we both use Colgate toothpaste.'
But Starmer came here burdened by the knowledge that the transatlantic alliance, which has held steady since the second world war, could fall apart on his watch.
At times he stood his ground, interrupting Trump to correct his false claim that European countries 'get their money back' from Ukraine: 'Mainly it was gifted, actually,' Starmer said.
Challenged about his past remark describing the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, 'a dictator', Trump replied: 'Did I say that? I can't believe I said that. Next question.'
A smile played on Trump's lips. Relief for Starmer, having been spared a debate about the dictator-ness of Zelenskyy and Russia's Vladimir Putin. But there was a less reassuring answer when Trump was asked whether the US would ride to the rescue of future British peacekeepers in Ukraine.
'I've always thought about the British, they don't need much help,' said Trump, as a bust of Churchill looked on. 'They can take care of themselves very well, you know what? No, it sounds like it's evasive, but it's not evasive, you know, the British have been incredible soldiers, incredible military. And they can take care of themselves, but if they need help, I'll always be with the British, OK, I'll always be with them. But they don't need help. You look at their career.'
He turned to Starmer, awkwardly grabbed his hand and asked, 'You have done very well over the years, haven't you?', as if from imperialist nation to another. We get each other.
Starmer launched into damage control mode: 'I'm very proud of our country but we've also always been backing each other up between our two countries. That is why this is the greatest alliance for prosperity and security I think the world has ever seen. Whenever necessary, we've absolutely backed each other up.'
But what Trump said next was even more alarming: 'Could you take on Russia by yourselves?'
Yikes! 'Well,' said Starmer, with a nervous laugh, looking tense with hands folded on knee. He was lost for words. And Putin, if he was watching somewhere, licked his lips.
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