2 Brave Questions That Can Bring You Closer In Love, By A Psychologist

Forbes

5 hours ago

Real love asks hard questions. While these two might be the most vulnerable ones, the answers might ... More not be as scary as you think.
Love, in so many ways, is a terrifying experience. It demands vulnerability, trust, openness and bravery — often all at once. No other area of life asks us to hand over our hearts so freely, knowing full well they might not be held with the care we hope for. And yet, despite the risk of heartbreak or betrayal, we keep choosing love. Not due to its safety or its esteem, but because love is worth more than its risks.
But the bravery it takes to fall in love should never stop there. It can be tempting to settle into comfort. To stop asking hard questions. To avoid disturbing the peace. But comfort is the enemy of growth, no matter how secure it feels. If you want your relationship to thrive, you have to stay brave. You have to be willing to challenge the illusion of 'good enough.'
Here are two questions that many people are afraid to ask their partners. But those who are brave enough to ask them will likely find that the answers aren't nearly as scary as they imagined.
As the saying goes, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. This rings especially true when it comes to love, which is why this question demands so much bravery. In our minds, we brace for the worst: 'I'm scared that you'll cheat.' 'I'm scared that you'll hurt me.' 'I'm scared that we won't last.'
Just imagining their response can lead to catastrophic thinking. We jump to the worst possible conclusions, or assume the worst of an otherwise good-natured partner. We confront never-before considered possibilities that the relationship we value so deeply might not feel the same on both sides.
However, a 2025 study published in Behavioral Sciences suggests that these fears may be misplaced. The authors of the study identified three core fears people tend to have in romantic relationships:
Of these, the researchers found that ineptitude concerns were the most common. In other words, what most partners fear isn't that the other person is unfaithful, uncommitted or unkind — but that they themselves aren't enough. That they're not meeting expectations, not showing enough love, not being the partner their significant other deserves.
Ironically, it's this very fear of not doing 'enough' that keeps people from asking this question in the first place. We avoid it out of anxiety, without realizing that our partners are very likely carrying the exact same fear.
Yet, if you're brave enough to ask this question, you're probably already better off than those who don't. Facing the fear of fear itself means you're already on the path to ensuring the health and longevity of your relationship.
Beyond this, however, the answer to the question might surprise you. Not because it'll be something hurtful or terrifying, but because it's likely rooted in humanity and self-doubt. Naming those fears together, head-on, is what it takes to make love last.
When we think of 'life lessons' or 'love lessons,' our minds tend to jump to those that are learned the hard way. The ones that make us a little more guarded, a little less trusting. These are the stories we carry from our past relationships, especially those that didn't end well.
But, according to 2015 research from the Journal of Adolescent Research, we learn these lessons primarily in our formative years — during our earliest teenage heartbreaks.
The study explored how people make meaning out of romantic relationships, particularly during their relationships and after breakups. The researchers found that adolescents and young adults who had recently ended relationships tended to emphasize defensive or disillusioned takeaways, shaped very clearly by the sting of heartbreak. For instance:
These kinds of lessons (while, indeed, valuable in their own way) reflect a need for self-protection. They're the pieces of emotional armor we learn to forge early in our romantic lives. However, the researchers received wildly different answers from participants who were currently in committed relationships. For instance:
Rather than cynicism, their reflections speak of growth. They emphasize love as a skill, as opposed to just a feeling. They epitomize the small, everyday ways that truly committed partners learn to show up for one another, love more deeply and become more thoughtful.
So, if you're brave enough to ask your partner what they've learned from being with you, don't be surprised if their answer is more tender than it is cynical. If anything, the answer will speak to the effort and care they've put into learning how to love you in the exact way you need them to.
And even if they do share something difficult, the fact that they're still with you — still choosing love — means that whatever lessons they've learned haven't pushed them away.
Are you brave enough to challenge the illusion of 'good enough' love? Taking this science-backed test is the best way to start: Relationship Satisfaction Scale