'That was normal behavior': Victim recalls being trafficked, then the aftermath of abuse

Yahoo

4 days ago

Editor's note: Readers should be warned that this article contains details of sexual abuse. The identity of JM, the woman featured in this article, is known to The Tribune-Democrat. She met with reporter Dave Sutor for an in-person interview at her place of work. She wished to be identified only as JM in order to maintain her privacy.
JOHNSTOWN, Pa. – JM used to wear multiple layers of clothes – three pairs of pants, three shirts and sometimes even more – to protect herself. To protect herself from memories of sexual abuse, rape, being used in pornography and domestic violence.
Human Trafficking logo
To protect herself from the original scar of being trafficked to her mother's drug dealers, starting around age 4 or 5. To protect herself from having any of it happen again.
These days, with a smile and a laugh, she tells folks, 'You'll be happy to know now I just dress to dress.'
Her mother primarily used heroin. And when she needed money for drugs, 'that's where the trafficking came in.'
'At 4 years old, I was in my mom's bedroom – we lived in the projects – and I was straddled over the drug dealer and in a pair of underwear, 4 or 5 years old,' JM recalled during an interview with The Tribune-Democrat. 'I know that I was in kindergarten at the time, so around 5. It's hard to pinpoint those ages.'
The trafficking lasted until she was about 7 or 8 years old.
'At that age, for me, that was normal behavior,' JM said. 'There were men in and out of my mom's life that touched me inappropriately. There was sexual assault all the time at that age. I was taught that that's a normal way of life. I'll be very honest with you, I did not realize that it was trafficking.'
Her mother testified against a dealer in 'a really, really big drug case.'
JM was removed from the household – where she had not been the only child who was abused – and placed in kinship foster care.
'What I now know as trafficking made me really view my mother differently, my biological mother differently, in two ways,' she explained. 'One, as a child that was victimized, I held a lot of anger for her. But then also now … I do recognize that even though it wasn't the best choice, she was surviving in the worst situation in the best way she knew how.
'But that doesn't negate or take away what happened to us as children. It changed my view on men. It changed my view on society. It changed my view on having my children grow up and be outside.'
Before her mother, who had been abused as a child, died, JM talked to her about the human trafficking and 'when that conversation happened, that is when I set the boundary that she is no longer in my life.'
'Candidate for re-victimization'
Eventually, the trafficking stopped.
But JM was a self-described 'prime candidate for re-victimization' who was groomed and abused from age 8 or so until her 16th birthday by her now ex-brother-in-law, who she said eventually served time in jail. She recalls three subsequent rapes in her later teenage years.
Then came a 'pretty volatile, pretty strong domestic violence relationship' with a husband who was 'extremely narcissistic and also suffered from substance-use disorder,' she said.
'I will tell you this, yes, was my first marriage rocky, but I own 50% of that,' she admitted. 'I was not perfect in that marriage. However, my trauma is not a reason for me to be physically or emotionally abused. … I will sit here and say, I was not perfect.
'I broke his nose once. My actions were very reactive to what was going on. So, like, if he choked me, I came swinging, because that was the only way I felt that I could defend myself or keep myself safe.'
'Trauma' as gateway drug
JM developed substance abuse issues, too, with cocaine and Ecstasy being her drugs of choice.
'You know how people talk about gateway drugs,' JM said. 'They'll say marijuana is a gateway drug. I am proof that marijuana is not a gateway drug. I am proof that trauma is. My story shows you that.
'At 7 years old, I was introduced to drugs. You're taking medications. I was given half a Benadryl to calm myself down or my mom would give me a quarter of a Xanax to make sure that I was appropriate for visitors.'
In high school, JM was a 'nuisance to society' whose 'behaviors became intense.' Along with the drug use, she shoplifted, fought and acted out sexually.
'I had every red checkmark, every red flag that's there,' JM said.
Throughout her life, she was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
'Get my story out'
JM finally reached a point, in her mid-30s, after living through 'abuse after abuse after abuse,' when she asked herself: 'At what point does someone love me for me? At what point do I love myself, more importantly?'
So she made major changes to her life.
JM is now sober and married in 'a healthy relationship for me' with 'amazing children.'
She credits counseling and support from Victim Services Inc., which offers trauma-informed, client-centered assistance, for improving her life.
She also benefited from practicing trauma yoga and reading 'The Courage to Heal,' a guide for survivors of childhood sexual abuse written by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis.
JM also uses Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, which helps people deal with disturbing life experiences. It 'really, really, really helps me' and 'blows talk therapy out of the water for me,' she said.
In her current job, JM helps other survivors of abuse. For years, she has told her story to organizations and at events. But she has not come out publicly about the human trafficking experiences.
'I need to get my story out there because, for me, that's showing every other survivor or somebody experiencing a current victimization that they're not alone,' JM said. 'All of our stories are unique in different ways, but we're all together through that.
'For me, it was the empowerment factor of it, getting my story out there. But, most importantly, telling my story allows me to heal. It allows me to take a step back and be like, 'You know what, I'm a survivor.' '