DEAR ABBY: Marriage of 30-plus years is no longer a pleasant one
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife for 40 years, including 32 years of marriage. I have done the best I could as a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband and a father to our two adult children, and I continue to do so today.
Until 10 years ago, I thought we had the best marriage possible. Then my wife entered menopause and everything changed. I realize how difficult that part of a woman's life can be, and I helped her in whatever way I could. I have been patient, but she's long past that difficult phase of her life, and since then she has become the most miserable, cold person I have ever known.
She has no physical interest in me and refuses to spend any time with me. She complains about everything I do and contradicts everything I say. Is this normal? What can I do stuck in what is now a terrible marital situation? I'm too old to start a new life. I am still interested in her as much as I always have been, but her abusive behaviour is badly eroding my interest in staying in this relationship. — FRUSTRATED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Because a woman goes through menopause does not mean she automatically becomes cold and abusive. There is more wrong with your marriage than this hormonal shift. I don't know what it is, and clearly neither do you.
Does your wife's doctor know what may have caused her abrupt personality change? A thorough physical examination would be a logical place to start. After she has had one, make clear to her that if your marriage is going to survive you both must consult a marriage and family therapist. If she refuses, book some sessions without her. During the course of counselling, you may discover that your wife thinks divorce would be as much of a relief to her as it would be for you. The only thing you must not do is allow the status quo to continue.
DEAR ABBY: I have a huge T-shirt collection — all different kinds: sports teams, schools, concerts, pop stars, vacation destinations. Many of them I bought, while some were gifts. I wear one every day when exercising at my gym.
Last month, I wore my Princeton T-shirt (a gift from a cousin who graduated from there). I love it — it's black with orange letters and an orange tiger. Some guy I have never seen before looked at my shirt, sneered and said, 'You didn't go there!' No, I didn't, but I thought it was rude of him to say. I didn't respond and walked away. But I thought about it later and wondered, should I have said something? What would you have done? — TAKEN ABACK IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The person who made the comment was looking for an argument. You reacted wisely by not taking the bait. I would have done the same thing you did. And if I encountered him in the future, I'd keep my distance.
— Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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