4 Questions To Gauge If Marriage Has Changed Your Love, By A Psychologist

Forbes

a day ago

Does your partner still care for you in your marriage the way they did before? If they do, you'll ... More know it from their actions, not just their words.
Marriage comes with its own set of responsibilities, whether it's taking care of your finances, children, in-laws or each other. This lifelong commitment is also meant to bring you closer and deepen the bond you share — something that is easy to overlook when life gets in the way.
With time, you may have stopped leaving them little notes on their lunch boxes, or perhaps they stopped calling you after a big presentation to see how it went. These acts, or lack thereof, are likely not intentional. They may simply be the result of busy schedules, but at times, they can indicate that a couple is starting to emotionally 'check out' or take each other for granted.
If you're wondering whether your partner is still emotionally invested, here are four subtle but powerful questions you can ask yourself to gauge their level of interest and engagement in the relationship.
1. Do They Still Ask Questions About You?
We underestimate the power of curiosity in relationships. It's easy to fall into the trap of surface-level check-ins like 'How are you?' or 'Did you pay the bill?' or 'What's for dinner?' But to connect, you need to dig deeper.
For instance, if you say that you dislike a certain book, do they listen and acknowledge what you say? Do they ask specific questions about what you didn't like?
To be curious is to show interest, and curiosity goes both ways. It's also important not to assume your partner has the same beliefs they had when they initially met you. Their thoughts and feelings may have changed, and you both must explore these changes in each other consistently.
A loving partner remains interested in you, not just what you do. In fact, not being inquisitive may lead you to fall prey to the 'parallel lives' trap, where you may live together but no longer feel the intimacy you initially felt as a couple. This may be because the rituals you shared as a couple early on, like inside jokes and appreciation for similar activities, may have faded.
Try to ask each other at least five genuine questions weekly that go beyond logistics. This shows that you are interested in one another, are emotionally present and have the desire to stay connected.
Ask yourself:
If you sense that they may not have the answers, it's time for you to initiate deeper check-ins with each other.
2. Do They Still Make An Effort To Plan Dates Or Shared Activities?
When you and your partner actively make plans for dates, it shows that you both care and approach relationship goals similarly. Being proactive about planning things together helps keep the spark alive.
And, you don't have to wait until the relationship starts to feel boring or routine. You can, in fact, plan for growth and excitement in a relationship. It doesn't have to be spontaneous. Planning can actually set the stage for meaningful, fun experiences. And those who are naturally motivated to make their relationships better tend to be more thoughtful about it.
This is backed by research. A 2021 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that planning exciting dates can build closeness. Such dates also help you grow together.
Researchers highlight the importance of intention here. People who are more focused on building positive relationships tend to plan better dates.
Such people think about fun things to do together ahead of time and constantly look for ways to deepen their bond precisely because they want more meaningful experiences with their partner.
3. Do They Share The Load In The Life You've Built Together?
In many marriages, one partner (often women) takes on the bulk of caregiving. But emotional investment is also reflected in practical support.
Research published in The American Journal of Family Therapy examined how partners share responsibilities. Here's what some of the participants said:
'So, it's really 50/50 because, to be honest, I've seen a lot of relationships where the woman is working and the man is working too, but the woman is still pulling 85% and that's not fair,' said a male participant.
'We both tend to be giver-type people and that helps a lot when we're having a struggling kind of day or troubles with kids and family. So, I think we both try to go the extra mile and pay attention to who's struggling that day to pick up the slack,' another female participant adds.
These responses show how both partners try to look after each other, when their current system of sharing responsibilities fails, instead of following strict rules. They should be willing to renegotiate their division of labor, depending on what the circumstances are.
Many couples discussed generosity as one of their core relationship values, and giving selflessly to their partners and offering assistance to each other when feeling out of balance.
'Just last week I said, 'I've got something coming up and I'm stressing about it, I don't know how to deal with it.' And he's like, 'Okay, what can I do to help you out? Do you need time? Do you need time to work by yourself? Do I need to take the kids, what do I need to do?'' one female participant recalls.
This is a great way to learn how giving your partner is. Don't buy into gender myths and stereotypes to rationalize unfair divisions, for e.g., 'She does inside chores, he handles the outside,' or 'He manages money, she takes care of the kids.'
Ask yourself specific questions: Who plans the meals? Who takes the kids to the doctor? Is there equal emotional attunement? Does anything need to be changed or is this system working for us?
Your partner's willingness to communicate and cooperate reflects how well they share responsibilities and allow you to take breaks. When they take initiative, it shows they value your time and peace of mind. It means they care for you as a person, not just for the role you play or the things you do for them.
4. Do They Take Care of You When You're Unwell Physically Or Emotionally?
It seems obvious that your partner should be there for you, 'in sickness and in health,' but many people report feeling neglected when they're sick, anxious or overwhelmed.
Ask yourself: How present is your partner when you're too unwell to look after yourself? Do they care for you without you asking them or do they try to shift the responsibility onto others, perhaps your siblings or parents, so that they can get going with their lives?
When partners are unwilling to be there for each other in times of sickness, it can create a rift in the relationship, and possibly even lead to divorce.
In a 2015 study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, researchers tracked over 2700 marriages and found while only 6% of cases where a partner gets sick in a marriage ends in divorce, a wife's illness onset was associated with an elevated risk of divorce.
If your partner checks out mentally when you fall sick, they may be viewing the situation mechanically — as a problem that needs to be solved as soon as possible so that things can go back to normal. They may initially help out with enthusiasm, but eventually check out when they are unable to pick up the emotional load, conduct all the chores around the house or have their own needs met.
True support is about them being proactive when you're unable to get out of bed. It's the ability to pick up on the slack and look after the children when you cannot. It's about being able to sit in silence with you when you're sick, or check in with you emotionally when you feel low.
If your partner routinely dismisses your needs during vulnerable moments, it points to emotional detachment, burnout, a lack of empathy or a mix of these factors. It can be extremely hurtful to feel 'abandoned' in your time of need. How your partner treats you in your most vulnerable moments is one of the clearest indicators of how much they still love you.
Love after marriage isn't just about saying 'I love you.' It's expressed in small, consistent actions that say, 'I see you, I care and I'm still choosing you.'
One of the most destructive, and sometimes unintentional, issues that crop up in relationships is taking each other for granted. Your partner may think you know you're loved and stop caring for you or putting in effort the way they initially did. Or maybe, they've really stopped caring.
How they respond to your emotional needs is a strong indicator of how loving and invested they still are. If they've stopped putting in effort, communicate with them about how you feel and what you need.
It takes effort to make a relationship work. Both partners must show up for each other consistently and show gratitude when the other looks out for them. And if love no longer feels like a safe haven, it's an important sign to re-examine your connection.
Are you able to thrive in your relationship? Take this science-backed test to find out: Relationship Flourishing Scale