Jai MATA Di: How Trump is evolving as world's greatest broker
Soon after landing at Mar-a-Lago from Qatar in his gift jet, a dead chuffed Donald Trump sat pensively at his signature gold-plated desk. Sipping a covfefe, lost in the eyes of his Carrara marble bust set on a platinum pedestal, he teared up with gratitude for the success of his Gulf deals. Gratitude for the only person he loves, admires, envies, worships, covets and obsesses about. He decided to put it all down on paper. A fly on the wall caught him in the act, here are the details, tongue firmly in a stormy cheek:advertisementDear Donald,Muah. Beautiful man, beautiful. Lovely hair. Nice suit. Great undies. Man, nobody does Trump better than you. Such yuuuge achievements.
Excellent deals, man. But of course, nobody makes deals better than you. Except me. You're Making America Trade Again. From MaGa, you've gone full MaTa. As my friend Vivekadamdama Ramaswami would've said, Jai MaTa di!That jet. Ooh. How did you swing the deal, man? (Winks.) Quid-pro-quo? A backroom deal with Trump Investments?Conflict of interest? Donald's wife and all, or was it Caesar's? My beautiful foot! Didn't Grover Cleveland accept the Statue Of Liberty—lovely girl—from the French? (Pouts). I know, I know, the idiots are saying it's not a gift to the nation. But Potus is us, US is Potus. Nobody does Potus better than you. Except me. Nobody treats the world like a pot better than us. Trust me.advertisementTremendous, man. You got the Qatari blokes to sign a $1.2 trillion agreement; Riyadh Sheekhs are game for $600 billion. They're gonna do Boeings, weapons, drones, Starlink, Neuralink, Tesla, Nvidia, India, Golf Courses, That Jihadi from Damascus is gonna do a Trump Tower. Everyone's riding this gravy jet to the Gulf and back—Musk, Eric, Jared, Jr, and the Trump Organisation. Man, you're MaGa, and MaTa (Making Trump Great Again). Believe me!See, that's the point of having a broker in the Oval Office. You can sell anything, including MaTa, MaGa, GuGu, GaGa. And nobody brokers better than you. Except me. Because, unlike the woke sentimental fools, you know the price of everything, and the value of nothing. Bro, gotta reward you with the GloBro—Global Broker Of The Year. From POTY to BOTY, we rock, bro!Ah, the rewards (drools). Nobels for Peace, Economics, Chemistry, Physics and Biology are also coming. Peace because you stopped that 1000-year war somewhere (thank god for myself). Economics because you took Sharif and Munir, great countries both, out on a beautiful dinner date and asked them tomake crypto not war. Told Munni and Shabby, 'Look guys, if you stop, I'll let Trump coins be Pak's national currency. Then we can do tremendous trade—Trump mints, Trump buys, Trump sells, Pak pays.' Both were so grateful that in their excitement they started licking my, er, finger.advertisementThat's the Peace deal, then. Chemistry, Physics because of your great Biology—the best in the world, tremendous. Great genetic history, great biology—oh, man, what a biography.Now you've the Nobel for Literature too. Was a no contest, literally. Nobody does double-speak better than you. (Let's call it Nobel for Goebbels, ha!) How beautifully you backed off from the Ukraine war. The Kiev to great diplomacy is trickery. That TaTa from Nata, or was it Nato, to MaTa with Papa Putin– the guy's got rare natural elements, tremendous abs, man. (Caresses his belly). Not better than yours, man. Beautiful.Now that we already have so many in the bag, got to sweep all the Nobels. Is there one for the environment? Let's do a MaTa of all green deals—zero tariff on solar panels shaped like my handsome face. Lovely, even the sun's gonna be grateful for that sight! Yuuge subsidies for wind farms with my hair flying in the wind as the logo. Fitting, so fitting. I'm the dad of all wind bags.advertisementNobel for Nukes–or is it de-nuke? Let's call the Ayatollah, give Iran an exclusive franchisee of McDonald's in Israel. Nobody does McDonald's better than the Real Donald.And, Kim, our friend—cutie, muah—gotta give him something he can't resist. Umm, a Trump statue in gold in Pyongyang. High as his highness—that's what he called me (tears up). With a Trumpet that sings, 'Heil, Jung, Heil, Trump, It's early morning, let's take a dump.' The Koreans call a song a nore, but we'll not let them snore. Nobody gibbers like me. Believe me.Speaking of songs, even a Grammy is a done deal, I hear. They call you the Gimme Prez—the prez who is always singing 'Gimme, gimme, a deal at midnight.' Great song, Beatles, but I got a better one:Old Man Donald Had A Farm, Oh Ya, Oh Ya, OhOn That Farm He Had Some Chics, Oh, Ya, Oh Ya, OhOld Man Donald Had A FarmOn That Farm He Had Some BullsAnd then the world was full of sh**Old Man Donald That Doesn't RhymeTremendous, Beautiful, It's FineOh Ya, Oh Ya, Oh.Anyway, man, gotta go. Nobody goes off better than me. She's waiting for me —I mean Xi. Gotta do some tariffs. Nobody does tariff better than me, in any language. Jai, MaTa di!advertisementYour Biggest FanSignedDonald Trump(Potus who FlotusIn His Own GlotusHoist with own petardOn every trade boulevard)
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