How to deal with family pressure when things aren't going your way
Omar*, a 37-year-old Lebanese expat living in Dubai, has always felt the pressure to conform to his family's expectations. 'My family thinks it's their right to meddle in my life,' said the youngest of three.
From who he was friends with as a child, where he went to university and what he studied as a young adult, to what job offers he took later in life, every member of his family had an opinion. At the time, Omar felt it was easier to give into them than stand up for what he wanted. 'I get that they were trying to look out for me, but this type of thinking became their default,' he explained. 'It was never about what I wanted. I started having this irrational fear about going against their wishes. If I failed because I did something they advised against, I'd be such a disappointment.'
Omar recalls that at 31, his decision to come to Dubai for work was the first time he did something not supported by his family. 'It was hard to be excited about this huge life event when I knew they were against it,' he recalled. 'They told me, as the only son, that I was abandoning them.'
According to Carolyn Yaffe, a psychotherapist at Medcare-Camali Clinic who does not treat Omar, the way Omar has described his relationship with his family signifies an enmeshed structure.
'Family enmeshment are relationships where personal boundaries are overly blurred and family members become too involved in each other's lives,' she said. 'This type of unhealthy bond can occur at any stage in life; however, it tends to develop from teenage years into young adulthood when individuals are forming their own identity and well-meaning family members struggle with the transition of their child/sibling from a dependent actor to an independent one. It can also become exacerbated during significant life events — like moving away or getting married — when levels of independence shift again.'
An enmeshed family dynamic can manifest in many ways. You may feel compelled to share every detail of your life; have difficulty making independent decisions; rely on family for emotional validation; or, feel pressure to conform to longstanding family roles, even if those roles don't serve you well anymore.
'Family enmeshment may cause family members to struggle with identity issues, low self-esteem, and difficulty in forming healthy relationships outside the family,' Yaffe explained. 'There is a constant need for approval, emotional manipulation, and an avoidance of conflict. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of guilt when trying to gain independence from an unhealthy unit.'
The issue becomes more complicated for expats who may feel caught between two worlds. 'Expats face unique challenges when returning home for the holidays,' said Yaffe. 'They may feel out of place or struggle to reconcile their new identity with past family dynamics. They also might experience increased pressure to reintegrate into enmeshed family roles, which can be overwhelming.'
This emotional conflict is something Omar has grappled with during previous visits. 'When I go home, I'm expected to be the same person who left them six years ago. They show interest in my life choices, only to critique every thing I do. It's really hurtful at times,' he explained. 'My love and respect for them is still there, but they can't accept that I've changed. I'm not that same meek person anymore.'
Setting and keeping boundaries is one of the key strategies Yaffe suggests for dealing with family enmeshment at any time, and especially during the holidays. 'It's important to communicate your needs clearly with your family to ensure that your needs and feelings are heard and understood,' she advised. 'It's about finding a balance that allows you to participate in family without losing yourself in the process.'
Omar has also been more vocal about his boundaries, and engaged in more direct, open conversations with his family about his needs. 'It's not easy. My family says I'm argumentative or difficult. I've even been told that I'm 'destroying' the family. But I stand my ground, respectfully. I've learned to say 'no' to certain things and set boundaries around my personal time. I know I can't control people's opinions, but I make it clear that I'm entitled to be the final decision maker on things about my own life.'
Despite his desire to disconnect from these pressures, Omar feels a strong sense of obligation to return home during Ramadan. 'It's hard because Ramadan is about family and faith, and those remain pillars in my life,' he said. 'But I also know that I need to look after my mental wellbeing. That's non-negotiable.'
Yaffe encourages self-care practices such as mindfulness, journalling, and seeking support from a therapist to navigate family gatherings with greater emotional resilience.
On the bright side, an enmeshed family isn't a life sentence — healing is possible. Often, families in enmeshed dynamics are acting out of genuine care and concern, even if their approach is unhealthy. Family members may feel hurt, confused, or threatened by one member's need for independence. The emotional complexity involved in enmeshment is broad, but healing is rooted in a desire by both sides to navigate difficult changes in their relationships together. Individual and group therapy can provide a safe space to help build healthier relationship patterns while maintaining meaningful connections.
'Sometimes all it takes is one person to speak openly about what's not working,' Omar reflected. 'And it's not easy at all to be that person. But at the end of the day, we love each other, so we're all working on it.'
Where love, a desire to understand, and care for each other are a family's foundation — as opposed to the need to control — family dynamics can evolve and improve with time and consistent effort.
*Name changed for privacy concerns.
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