Who says no to these NHL trades (involving things that cannot actually be traded)?
In the NHL, you can't trade coaches. There was a time when you could, and it happened in 1987, when New York Rangers GM Phil Esposito sent a first-round pick to the Quebec Nordiques for head coach Michel Bergeron in a surprise swap. It was a creative move. It also didn't work, with Bergeron lasting less than two seasons, and the league quickly moved to make sure it wouldn't be tried again. These days, coaches are one of many assets a team is not allowed to trade.
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Or are they? After all, we occasionally see coaching quasi-trades, like when John Tortorella and Alain Vigneault essentially swapped teams after being fired in 2013. More recently, the Rangers and Penguins didn't actually pull off a Mike Sullivan and David Quinn for Dan Muse trade, but it kind of worked out that way.
Let's use that as inspiration. We've got time to kill between Stanley Cup Final games, so I put out a call to readers: Send me your 'who says no?' trade proposals involving things that cannot actually be traded. And you sure did. Can we pull off a blockbuster, or will it just be too complicated to make a trade in the cap era NHL? Let's find out.
Note: Submissions have been edited for clarity and style.
What are the Leafs lacking? Heart and grit. They vowed to change their DNA in the offseason. They need to disrupt their core even if it means losing some skill and finesse. So:
To Edmonton: Carlton the Bear
To Toronto: Hunter the whatever that is
— Mike H.
As mascots go, Hunter is a lot worse but also more intimidating, which is probably exactly the sort of move the Leafs will be looking to make this summer. After all, if you're going to acquire a vicious, ugly animal with crazed eyes and no instincts beyond preying on the weak and vulnerable, at least Hunter comes cheaper than Sam Bennett.
But what's in it for the Oilers? Is the upgrade from Hunter to Carlton enough to justify disrupting a winning mix? I wasn't sure, so I reached out to the world's foremost experts on NHL mascots: Mark Lazerus' children. Here's what his daughter had to say:
'I think that a Hunter and Carlton trade wouldn't be good because real lynxes live in Alberta. Also, Carlton doesn't wear pants and Edmonton is really cold, so Carlton would freeze. In conclusion, Hunter is with his family and Carlton won't freeze his butt off.'
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The no-pants thing is a strong catch. Sorry, Leafs fans, but the Oilers say no.
To Pittsburgh: The rights to 'Brass Bonanza'
To Carolina: Exclusive naming rights to Sebastian Aho
— Dan H.
I kind of love this one. Both teams are getting something of value. We might have a match.
And sure, it looks lopsided at first glance. 'Brass Bonanza' is a legitimate star in this league. It's solidly in the GOAT conversation when it comes to novelty goal songs. But it's also the source of controversy among Hurricanes fans, with some embracing it while others see it as nostalgia for a team that they have no personal connection to.
So you could argue that the Hurricanes would benefit from making a clean break from the Whalers stuff, and getting the exclusive naming rights to your biggest star isn't a bad way to do it. And of course, the Penguins get a fun new goal song that they can play (checks current roster) dozens of times during the season. I honestly think this one is a win-win.
(In related news, Other Sebastian Aho apparently signed with the Penguins last summer. Who knew?)
The PWHL receives: The Lady Byng, the Mark Messier, the Jennings, the King Clancy, the Clarence S. Campbell Bowl, the Prince of Wales trophy and a sixth-round pick
The NHL receives: The PWHL expansion process and the PWHL Gold Plan
— Peter B.
Terrible trade. The PWHL doesn't just say no, it hangs up and immediately blocks the number as spam.
Seriously, what kind of HFBoards madness is this? It's a classic 'seven nickels for a silver dollar' trade proposal. You're bundling up all the trophies that nobody wants and trying to get not one but two superstar-level concepts in return. This kind of lopsided offer would get you kicked out of my fantasy football league, Peter, do better.
St. Louis receives: the 2012 and 2014 Stanley Cup runs
Los Angeles receives: the Greatest Show on Turf success and the 1999 Super Bowl
— Dylan C.
As if L.A. would ever care about Rams football.
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To the Arizona hockey ownership group: Terry Pegula
To Buffalo: Alex Meruelo
Meruelo is immediately placed on waivers and goes unclaimed. — Todd C.
Yeah, we had a lot of Sabres fans trying to offload Pegula, and let's just say you weren't asking for much in return. Real buy-low opportunity right here. I can't imagine why.
Still, Arizona says no. This is a classic salary dump, where a big-money player who hasn't been productive in years gets sent out to pasture. Given that, having the destination be Arizona is a nice touch. But while you're taking a bad contract bad in Meruelo, I think Arizona's going to want a few assets in return for taking Pegula's bigger commitment.
To the Rangers: Jim Ramsay
To Montreal: Dancin' Larry
— 'Zach'
Other fan bases may need an explainer on this one. Ramsay is the trainer the Rangers fired a few years ago. He was hired in Montreal, but many Rangers fans still view his exit as a symptom of the dysfunction of the Chris Drury/Jim Dolan era. So from the New York perspective, you could view this as trying to right a wrong.
But Dancin' Larry, the Rangers superfan and scoreboard regular? He's fine, I guess, but I'm not completely sure he's a fit for Montreal. They're not really a dancing bunch, you know? Maybe if it was 'Telling a Boring Story About Some Guy From the 1930s Larry' we'd have a fit, but right now I think Montreal says no, holding out for more. Maybe toss in a proper hot dog recipe, New York.
(By the way, I can't recommend Dancin' Larry's Instagram page highly enough. Just page after page of photos of him with Rangers fans, and he's doing the exact same face and pose in all of them. Not a pixel of difference. Seriously, it might just be a template. How do you move this guy? Get an NTC in that next extension, Larry, this can be a cruel business.)
To Dallas: Hosting the Minnesota state high school tournament through 2030
To Minnesota: The Stars/North Stars name, mascots, colors, jerseys
— Anonymous
I'll admit, I was surprised how many of you want to trade the old North Stars branding back to Minnesota. Apart from trades involving palm trees going to Buffalo or lower tax rates for California and New York, the North Stars stuff was the most common concept by far.
Does this deal work? It might. At least Dallas is getting something of value, which it could use to continue to build its fan base. I think the price is just too steep, given it'd be losing its name and branding. Dallas says no, but I could see a counteroffer involving just the classic North Stars stuff heading to Minnesota instead.
Then again, what if there were a way for Dallas to acquire new branding? Well, about that …
Vancouver needs new ownership and it's always better if it's someone local. If only there was a Vancouverite who randomly owned another team in the league … and if that team happened to have bad uniforms, that would be great, since the Canucks have three completely different logo/uniform/color schemes in their arsenal and can't seem to decide which one to run with.
To Vancouver: Owner Tom Gaglardi, who has always wanted to own the Canucks anyway
To Dallas: The orange, red and black 'Flying Skate' uniform/color scheme, and an agreement to pay all costs associated with rebranding Dallas to something more appropriate, like Outlaws. — Phil G.
Hmm …
I mean, part of the art of pulling off a truly great trade is finding an asset that's underappreciated, maybe because it's stuck down the depth chart. As Phil points out, the Canucks have one of the greatest uniform designs of all time just sitting around. The Flying Skate should be Vancouver's primary uniform — it never should have lost the job in the first place — but for whatever reason, it's not. OK, so let's send it somewhere that will give it the chance to be the superstar it should be. The logic is solid.
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That said, you're not getting Gaglardi for a uniform. The owner may be the most important position on a modern NHL team, and Gaglardi would be a massive upgrade for the Canucks franchise. Dallas says no. But it's amicable. It's not closing the door if the Canucks wanted to circle on something down the road.
In the meantime, one more for the Canucks …
To Vancouver: The Leafs' 1950-51 Stanley Cup win
To Toronto: The Canucks' 2011 Stanley Cup Final appearance
The Canucks get a Stanley Cup, but one so long ago they'll still be mocked by opposing fans. But one is better than zero. Did they exist in 1951? Let's not worry about the details.
The Leafs get yet another devastating loss to the Bruins in the playoffs, but at least this time in a Stanley Cup Final and all the good memories that go with that sort of run. A team that locals mostly like and have fond memories of, legends in the market. (Do not ask what other markets think.) All it costs is a Cup so long ago most fans don't remember it.
Note: Canucks retain the riot, due to a NMC. — Greg P.
On the surface, this one makes a lot of sense. The Canucks are getting the better asset — a Cup win is obviously better than a near-miss — but the recency bias plays a factor. And the Leafs are dealing from a position of strength, with the 'old Cup wins that nobody really remembers' cupboard pretty much overflowing.
That said, Greg mentions the potential problem. While Vancouver fans hate how 2011 ended, it's still a pretty beloved version of the team. If you trade the whole run, that means you lose the Game 7 OT win over the Blackhawks, the Kevin Bieksa bank shot and other fun memories. Do you give all of that up just so you can ditch the Sabres at the 'zero Cups in franchise history' table? You have to give up something to get something, but that's pretty steep.
My gut is that Vancouver says no, partly because it just doesn't want to let Leafs fans be happy. But I'd like to hear from Canucks fans in the comments to confirm.
And since we're trying to end some Leaf droughts …
To Montreal: The 1967 Stanley Cup championship
To Toronto: The 1993 Stanley Cup championship
The 1967 Cup would give Montreal the last Original Six win and a second run of five straight Cups within a decade. And having won in 1986 would mean their current drought wouldn't be appreciably longer.
The '93 Cup reduces Toronto's drought dramatically, and gives them the honor of being the last Canadian team to win a Cup. Plus, we could stop talking about Kerry Fraser forever. — Sean B.
Who says no? Every other fan base. They lose out on making fun of the Leafs' record Cup drought, the Habs get even more ammo for their history-firehose, and the last Canadian Cup win somehow becomes even more of a thing because Toronto won't shut up about it. The only gain for the other fan bases would be Leafs fans giving the Fraser stuff a rest after 33 years, and let's be honest, we wouldn't honor that part of the deal.
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So yeah, everyone else hates this deal … which means there may be something here for the two teams involved. As beloved as that rag-tag band of old-timers from the 1967 team has become, I think this is a pretty easy 'yes' for the Leafs. It's a little dicier for Montreal, although I think Sean B. is making a decent case.
Ultimately, while it's close, I think Montreal probably says no. Somebody break the bad news to Marty McSorley.
Want to send in your trade proposal for a future version of this column? Email this address.
(Top photo of Hunter the Lynx: Steph Chambers / Getty Images)
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