This disgusting Netflix documentary will put you off cruises for life

Telegraph

4 hours ago

Sure, you've had bad holidays. The one where it rained every day. That time the airline lost your luggage and you had to spend 48 hours wearing the same pants. But have you ever been forced to spend four days defecating into a plastic bag on a cruise ship that just caught fire and is now adrift in the Gulf of Mexico? That was the fate of 4,200 people aboard the Carnival Triumph, and the story is retold to hilarious effect in Trainwreck: Poop Cruise (Netflix).
It's a terrible title and a gross subject but it's one of the funniest documentaries I've seen in ages. British director James Ross was Bafta-nominated a few years back for a serious film about Anton Ferdinand and racism. Here he demonstrates a flair for comedy, stitching together the recollections of passengers and crew. They are well-chosen and well-edited, including three friends who were on a hen weekend – the vibe is very Bridesmaids – and a man who was on holiday with his father-in-law for the first time, desperate to impress.
The crew members include a droll Indian chef and a British cruise director called Jen. It was Jen who issued a chirpy, Hi-de-Hi message over the tannoy after the ship ran into trouble: 'When you do need to do a number one, you can do it in the shower. And if you need to do a number two, we're going to deliver some red bags – we ask that you please do it in the red bag and drop it off in the bins in the corridors.' The contributors run through their reactions to that directive: 'You want me to do what?' 'I'm not doing that.' 'What world are we living in?'
Here's what happened: midway through a cruise from Texas to Mexico in 2013, a fire broke out in the Triumph's engine room. It caused the power to cut out, which not only plunged the ship into darkness but caused the toilets to stop flushing. Guests were told that they'd be towed back to Cozumel the following day. But the ship drifted out of Mexican waters and it was four days before they eventually made it to port in Mobile, Alabama.
Phone footage helps to build up a picture of life on board: a tent city of mattresses dragged up on deck and shaded by bedsheets, two-hour queues for food rations, fights over the last available deckchair. 'Ha!' says a Russian bartender. 'Now all these Americans can feel what it was like in dictatorship countries where s--- like this happens and it doesn't surprise anyone. Welcome to the Soviet Union, people!'
But it's those red bags that haunt everyone. And it's the winning honesty of the contributors that makes this documentary a gem. The Russian crew member cheerfully admits that she was in bed with one of the engineers when the fire alarm went off. The bridal party were sleeping off hangovers after overdoing it in Mexico ('We left our dignity in Mexico').
Some, like the chap on holiday with his father-in-law, were determined to hang on to their dignity. For others, it was impossible. The men could pee overboard but the women had to crouch in the shower, using the flashing beacon light from a life jacket as illumination. 'This is my first cruise,' says a member of the hen party, 'but I don't think this is normal.'
The documentary is only an hour long, which is good, because you wouldn't want much more of this (there is an analogy about lasagne which will live long in the memory). And perhaps if this had happened to a boatload of Germans, the tone would have been different. But these were party-loving Americans. When things got really bad, the staff laid on a free bar. Even in the midst of a sanitary nightmare, everyone was keen to hit the tequila. As one of the guests puts it: 'Cruises are supposed to be fun. It's free booze. Let's go!'