Fishing for Favors: How You Get Hooked Into Helping

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I was rushing to get to my daughters' orchestra concert when I got two calls from a friend back to back. I answered the second attempt to be sure there wasn't an emergency. My friend seemed caught off guard, almost like she hadn't expected me to answer, and started to make small talk. I said I was hurrying off to a concert and would call her over the weekend.
'OK.' She sounded dejected with a long pause. 'Is everything OK?' I asked. 'Never mind. I know you're busy.' Long pause. 'What's going on?' I asked. 'It's a long story…' she said, followed by another long pause. After several minutes of this, I was starting to get frustrated. I needed to go, and I wanted to be a good friend. I regretted answering the phone. 'Is there anything I can do for you right now?' I asked. 'No. Go. You have more important things to do.' As her words trailed off, I told her I'd call back later, hung up the phone, and left for the concert, feeling bad about the interaction.
I didn't know it then, but I'd experienced a very subtle yet common form of dry begging. My friend used a series of short, lingering, and desperate statements, awaiting my response to coerce or manipulate my time and attention indirectly. Having already expressed that I didn't have those to give, I was left feeling guilty in the end.
If you've ever accused someone (or been accused of) fishing for a compliment, you're familiar with dry begging, which can also come in the form of fishing for an invitation or help. It entails asking for favors, compliments, resources, gifts, or assistance indirectly, rather than explicitly. Don't dismiss it as a sweet or simply pitiful gesture, though — it's a subtle form of manipulation or coercion used to get something without risking direct rejection.
Think of dry begging as dropping hints, tugging at someone's heartstrings, or revealing one's own vulnerability to create a sense of obligation — all in the hopes of getting what you want without asking and while leading the other person to believe volunteering assistance, gifts, or compliments was their idea.
The person using dry begging as a tactic gets what they want while retaining plausible deniability, as they never explicitly asked for anything. And when they don't get what they want, they have set the stage to play the role of the victim by acting like they did explicitly ask, and you refused.
It's incredibly common and can happen in any type of relationship.
Imagine your partner is stressed and frustrated. She's complaining that she doesn't know how she's going to pay her car insurance tomorrow, since she doesn't get paid until next week. She bemoans having spent money on your birthday dinner last week. Now she doesn't have the money she needs. You offer to cover the car insurance.
Or imagine your husband says, 'I just don't know when I'll find time to get my mom something for Mother's Day. I'm so busy between work and time with the kids.' You offer to pick up something, and he acts surprised, 'Really? That would be amazing!'
Your wife says, 'I've gotten so fat. You can't possibly find me attractive anymore.' You might be thinking, This sounds like typical insecurity, yet this is a subtle version of manipulation and coercion. What are you going to do? Not respond? Suggest she go to the gym? No, you are left with one option: to reassure your wife profusely that you find her attractive.
You call a friend to see if she'd like to meet you for lunch. She says she'd love to, but just can't afford it. You offer to buy her lunch.
You're picking your son up from school, and you run into your friend. She's frazzled and says, 'I just don't know how I'm going to get James to soccer on Friday. I'm scheduled back-to-back all day. I know he'll be so disappointed if he misses his game.' After each sentence is a pause, an invitation for you to offer to take him. When that offer isn't extended, another hint is dropped, yet at no time does she ask, 'Hey, would you mind picking James up and taking him to his soccer game Friday?'
Your sister says, 'Oh my gosh, I found my dream wedding dress. It's EXACTLY what I wanted. If only I had an extra $200 to cover it. Gosh, I hope someone doesn't buy it before I can save up. It's my size.' They drip each sentence out slowly, waiting for the offer of $200.
Or think of a conversation with your elderly parents. You mention that you're taking a trip to Sedona. Your mom says, 'Oh, I just LOVE Sedona. It's always been one of my favorite places. I wonder if I'll ever get back there. It's so hard for me to travel on my own at this point.' While this may be an entirely emotionally healthy response in some cases, in others, the words linger in the air just long enough for you to feel the manipulation, the fishing for an invitation.
You're buried in work, juggling what feels like 100 projects, when your coworker says, 'I'm just not going to be able to get this project done by Friday. I've run out of time. If I deliver late again, I just know I'm going to be fired. I don't know how I'll feed my kids without this job.' You unwillingly say, 'I'll help you out,' knowing you'll be finishing your own work over the weekend. You were coerced.
Dry begging is a tactic that is so subtle, it can easily be misinterpreted or considered normal. This creates a sense of power and control for the person who uses it. They get what they want without having to ask, while making it seem like your idea.
Dry begging allows the narcissist to avoid accountability for their own predicaments and instead forces or coerces others to enable their behavior. When they use the tactic in front of others, it's not only more coercive, but it also plays to the false narrative the narcissist has created about themselves and others.
For example, after you politely decline your mother's request to move in with you at a family function, she has an emotional outburst, crying out, 'You don't love me!' You feel the manipulation in her words, and yet all eyes are on you, awaiting your response. What are you going to do? Walk away, say 'I guess you're right,' tell her to knock it off, or implore her to believe that you love her?
Narcissists love this tactic because it also earns them compliments, favors, resources, or gifts without the need to express gratitude, appreciation, or reciprocate. If you mention your efforts later, they'll remind you that they never asked for your help.
You might be thinking, everyone does this! I've done this! And you're right — but what you're thinking of might be a little different. Those prone to people-pleasing or prioritizing others' needs before their own might make statements similar to dry begging as a way to avoid directly asking for what they need.
This situation is a little different. Their intent is not to manipulate others' actions, but to manipulate the situation to avoid feeling rejected, unworthy, or undeserving.
This is one you have to recognize by feel.
While your friends, family, or colleagues may complain or vent about situations as a normal part of your relationship, your expected response in those cases is to listen and provide support. Dry begging is different. The pauses and follow-up comments make you feel obligated to volunteer words, gifts, or actions that you wouldn't have otherwise. It feels like you have only one option, or your hand is being forced. You sense that you're being manipulated.
Now that you've recognized dry begging, what can you do about it? Of course, you can passive-aggressively provide whatever the dry beggar is indirectly requesting; however, that reinforces an unhealthy people-pleasing pattern and can set a precedent for your relationship with that person.
Here's what to do instead. First, resolve any emotional triggers you're feeling. You want to respond from a clean, clear space. Next, put the spotlight back on them by asking, 'What are you hoping to gain by telling me that?' or 'Are you asking me to pick your child up after school?' This acts as both a pattern interruption and an invitation to step out of the shadows and clarify the intent of their communication. Only after they've clarified the intent of their statement, choose how to respond. At this point, it's clear they've asked for something, and it's entirely your choice whether you provide it or not.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD, is a narcissistic abuse survivor turned recovery expert who helps Soul-driven leaders transcend their past experience of narcissistic abuse to create massive leaps in their health, wealth, relationships, and impact. For her engaging, entertaining approach to navigating the subtle toxicity common in relationships, check out her free Am I the Problem? Substack newsletter, or learn more on her website.
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