The secrets to a long and happy marriage (according to Telegraph readers)

Telegraph

17-04-2025

'Never go to bed on a quarrel', 'have your own separate interests' and 'give and take' – when it comes to the secrets of lasting relationships, there are plenty of hoary cliches. But being with the same person for 20, 40, even 70 years requires much more than platitudes.
Recently, Queen Camilla offered her own view on what underpins her happy marriage to King Charles: 'Friendship. Laughing at the same things, getting on with life.'
She has previously said, 'It's not easy sometimes, but we do always try to have a point in the day when we meet… we sit down together and have a cup of tea and discuss the day.'
For less exalted couples, it may be more about remembering to put the bins out than finding time in the banqueting schedule. For my husband Andy and me, the glue that keeps us together (a mere 11 years so far) is shared adoration of our pets, a GSOH (good sense of humour), basic compatibility and, most crucially, a synchronised tea-making schedule.
Twin beds are passion killers
Unlike me, however, Bettina Thwaite, 80, married for 50 years, could be considered an expert in lasting marriage, and suggests it's perfectly acceptable to go to bed on a quarrel – 'but do have a double bed,' she advises, in direct contravention of the current 'sleep divorce' trend. 'Any arguments you might have had over dinner are very difficult to maintain in a double bed. Twin beds are passion killers.'
Bettina is one of many Telegraph readers who subsequently wrote in to offer their own tips following the Queen's revelations, and believes that shared political views are also important. 'They don't have to be identical, that would be boring, but if one of you is a Corbynite and the other is somewhere to the right of Genghis Khan then, eventually, you are going to be pretty unsympathetic to each other,' she observes.
And while money might seem a joyless topic amid the first flush of romance, Bettina is adamant that it must be discussed.
'Do talk about this from the very start. Yes, one of you might be very tight, while the other is a spendthrift. But you must reach some sort of agreement since, in my experience, money, even more than sex, causes more rows than anything else,' she says. 'My husband, 86, and I have always had pretty similar views, fortunately.'
Finally, she recommends, 'That awful phrase, ' date nights '. Once a month we make a point of going out to our local Côte and treating ourselves,' Bettina says. 'We don't talk about mundane things but try to appreciate each other. It's so easy to take each other for granted over the years.'
Indeed, never mind 'separate hobbies' – often, it's enjoying the same things that keep couples ticking along. Charles and Camilla love fly fishing on the River Dee, while other couples enjoy board games, running, pug breeding or, in our case, watching reruns of Vera with a glass of wine.
Retain a sense of self
Psychotherapist Geraldine Joaquim, 55, has been married for 32 years, and agrees that common interests can be conducive to lasting love. 'My husband and I took up scuba diving in our early 20s and regularly dived in the UK, with a club as well as on holiday,' she says. Nevertheless, she adds, 'it's also important to retain a sense of self within the relationship. I've always been into arty things – I have a pottery studio in the garden – and my husband loves clay pigeon shooting. We have no interest in each other's hobbies but we happily 'give space' so we can do them.'
Joaquim also recommends travel as a bonding mechanism, when possible. 'Seeing each other in different situations, relying on each other in places that are out of the norm, having a go at activities – these have all brought us closer over the years,' she says. 'We have so much shared experience – from diving with tiger sharks in South Africa to camping on the rim of a volcano in Indonesia. We've even done seal diving in the North Sea and ghost hunting in East Anglia!'
Most vitally, she advises, 'shared values really matter, and are a must when raising a family. That's not to say we have exactly the same views on things but, in principle, we are aiming for the same outcomes: independence, kindness, love of animals, happiness.'
A good dollop of compromise on both sides
Brian Varrell met his wife Eve on a flight from Guernsey to Manchester in 1978, and says, 'We're still inseparable and she's the most perfect life partner.'
He explains that what underpins their long marriage is 'listening, understanding and a good dollop of compromise on both sides'. Both were recently divorced when they met, and Brian points out that they had already learnt not to take love for granted.
'Mutual belief in a pre-prandial snifter or two does no harm either,' he wisely adds.
Divorce can in fact prove the grounding for a far better relationship, after the first marriage has demonstrated what can go wrong.
Telegraph reader Malcolm Hobbs, 82, from the Forest of Dean, has been married to his second wife, Sandy, 78, for 42 'wonderful years'.
'We married on my 40th birthday, which is of course when life begins – and I cannot forget our wedding anniversary! Our happiness is about mutual respect,' he says. 'We hold common values, we can talk about them and can laugh at our own shortcomings.
'Why did this one work when the first one didn't?' He muses. 'Shared values. My first wife and I couldn't agree on children's education, work ethic, savings plans or decorating colours.' They parted after 15 years of wrangling. 'Two years later, I married again – and she is my best friend.'
Don't knock your partner
Friendship and respect are generally at the heart of a long-lasting marriage, agrees psychotherapist Lulu Sinclair. 'When you got married, you liked and loved each other,' she says. 'Don't fall into the often trendy habit of knocking your partner, because respect on both sides remains important no matter how long you've been together.'
Nishtha Patel has been married to Mayur for almost 35 years. 'We had a semi-arranged marriage,' she says. 'We spent less than 24 hours together before we decided to say yes. What makes a relationship endure is patience, forgiveness and, above all, respect for one another,' she agrees. 'There will always be small things that can irritate. The secret lies in learning to accept and adapt, rather than allowing minor frustrations to build into something bigger. Being able to say sorry and not stewing over arguments is crucial.'
Patel also recommends talking when it's necessary. 'Sitting down and talking things through, whether it's making plans or resolving disagreements, is essential. At times, learning to agree to disagree is just as important.'
Like the royal couple, a shared hour or two every day is a must for Nishtha and Mayur. 'It's an important time to switch off from work, listen to each other, and talk about how the day has gone. It shows you genuinely care about each other's lives.'
But while most long-term happy couples cite respect and communication, surprisingly few recommend constant discussion of feelings. I learnt the hard way from my previous marriage that prodding at wounds is unwise. Now, we only talk if and when we're ready to forgive and move on.
It's repair and resilience, rather than re-hashing, that works, agrees psychologist Dr Carolyne Keenan.
Not every difficult phase is a crisis
'Conflict is inevitable. The key isn't avoiding it, but learning how to repair after it,' she explains. 'That might mean apologising, or listening even when you feel defensive. Whether it's boredom, irritation or feeling misunderstood, long-term relationships involve periods of emotional discomfort,' she adds. 'Resilience in a marriage often comes down to learning to stay through those moments rather than assuming discomfort means something is broken. Not every difficult phase is a crisis.'
Most of all, perhaps, the true key to a long-term love which survives the soaring highs and plummeting lows, is a degree of selflessness.
'It sounds corny, but when you love someone, it's about wanting them to thrive,' says Geradine Joaquim. 'It doesn't have to be to the detriment of yourself, but it may involve putting their needs first. And in an equal relationship that goes both ways.'
Basically, if you want your love to last, be kind – and take turns to make the tea.