Spreadeagled cats and gladiatorial warfare: everything I learned testing mattresses

The Guardian

10-03-2025

I once noted here that testing heated airers is like weighing kittens. Testing mattresses is more like weight-lifting hippos. Manoeuvring these floppy giants around a small house would be hard enough for a normal person, but as a 53-year-old woman who never reached five feet tall, I wouldn't be anyone's first pick for a mattress-lifting team.
The Filter's invitation to involve my extended family in testing the best mattresses delighted me because it meant they could do the lifting. They joined my husband, Alan, and our cat, Iggy, who favoured the Simba Hybrid Pro for radiator-adjacent spread-eagling and the Ikea Valevåg for claw sharpening.
Before any testing could commence, Alan and I discovered that removing these beasts from their giant condom-like sheaths is part precision surgery, part gladiatorial warfare. Bed-in-a-box mattresses commonly weigh more than 50kg and come vacuum-packed so tightly that you have to be careful not to get knocked out when you cut the wrapping. None of the mattresses were wrapped in anything approaching sustainable, and if I'm ever sent one that doesn't come with a hatchback's worth of plastic, it'll receive serious review kudos.
Having a houseful of mattresses expanding to full size and giving off a weird chemical smell (normal and temporary, but not pleasant) felt like what I imagine living with toddlers to be like. The same goes for the relief of off-loading them on to relatives. My family offered some disappointing feedback at first, with my dad and sister initially resistant to switching from pocket-sprung mattresses to spongy foam. Reports soon eased into broadly positive and occasionally ecstatic, punctured by moans about the 'pointlessly massive' Origin Hybrid Pro, which was too deep for a standard fitted sheet, and the magic staining powers of the Valevåg. 'It gets dirty if you just look at it,' said my niece, 22, although it should be noted that she lives in a student flat.
What I really wanted from them was detailed feedback on how well they slept, although I worried that even the richest grumbling would be too subjective to be useful. I was reassured by a chat with sleep expert Kevin Morgan, emeritus professor of psychology at Loughborough University. 'Asking people, 'How would you rate the quality of your sleep last night?' using a 10-point scale is standard practice in research,' he told me. 'Insomnia is diagnosed exclusively on subjective experience of sleep.'
Even so, I ran some lab-style tests for a more objective comparison. Careful use of Alan's bottom and other kit to measure key factors, such as sinkage and motion isolation, delivered some surprising and messy results. The budget Ikea Valevåg romped to glory in the heat-retention test, which required Alan to sit on a pre-heated spot (for ages while reading Moby-Dick, which did not help the time pass any faster). It bombed in the motion-isolation test, however, bouncing enough to topple a glass of water as Alan turned over.
Alas, poor Valevåg. Claw marks, spillage, dirt and a student flat. Despite this onslaught (and after a good clean), it made its way to a gentler home via a local charity, but it took some persuading. Donating mattresses, even nearly new ones, is a hit-and-miss affair because they have to be pristine. For my next batch of mattress tests, I will invest heavily in cat-proof mattress protectors.
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