A command of English that would drive you up the wall

The Herald Scotland

25-04-2025

It wasn't the most pleasant experience for she was always on her feet, and sometimes dealt with irritating customers, including one drunk chauvinist who staggered into the restaurant along with his equally inebriated friends.
'Isn't this place a wee bit sexist?' he slurred.
A confused Victoria admitted she didn't understand the question.
'Well, it's called Wagamama, innit?' continued the sloshed customer. 'How come it's no Wagapapa?'
Games people play
The son of Andrew Shaw hopes to be accepted for university later this year.
In anticipation of this momentous event Andrew bought the teenager his very first laptop, intended for the writing of essays and academic research.
Perhaps the youth didn't accept the gift with this inspiring notion, for with a delighted squeal, he said: 'Great! I can't wait to start downloading games onto this baby…'
Cop that
Most police officers are of the firm conviction that their job would be much easier if there weren't so many civilians allowed on the streets.
Putting the entire nation under lock and key, with the key then tossed in the Clyde, is surely the only civilised solution.
Jim Lynch recalls his days on a Glasgow beat, and once spotting a suspicious looking fellow who had obviously recently found shelter and sustenance in the local boozer.
Jim politely inquired what this fellow's intentions were for the remainder of the evening, and was given the robust response: 'I ain't answering no questions, officer, on the grounds that I might inseminate myself.'
You're chucked
More boozy badinage.
Ian Barnett tells us he was at the pub for a family outing.
'One of my relatives had too much to drink and was expelled by the bouncer,' he adds. 'He climbed back in through a toilet window, only to be quickly chucked out again.
'That was my first cousin, twice removed.'
Ring for service
The Diary is celebrating those spiffy new tumble dryers that need to be connected to the house Wi-Fi in order to operate.
John Mulholland did some research and discovered that washing machines can also be connected to Wi-Fi.
'I suggest,' he adds, 'the appropriate music to play when the machine is on its 1400rpm spin program would be Wagner's Ring Cycle."
Foreign affairs
'Nothing is made in the UK any more,' harrumphs reader Kevin Rushton. 'I bought a telly and it says 'Built in Antenna', and I don't even know where that is.'