Dominatrix fulfils my extreme sexual needs behind girlfriend's back – but I fear she has scammed me
DEAR DEIDRE: MY mistress fulfils my extreme sexual needs, but I fear she has scammed me for cash.
I have given her thousands of pounds and I am terrified my partner will find out.
I'm a 42-year-old guy with a fetish for femdom sex. There's nothing I like more than to be dominated by a woman.
But my 40-year-old partner, who I've been with for ten years, only likes vanilla sex.
She finds my desire to be humiliated weird and a complete turn-off.
So I decided to go online to find someone who would indulge my wildest fantasies.
I met a woman of 44 who lives in a nearby town where I often go for business. She said she would happily oblige. We met and had a thrilling sex session. She acted like a dominatrix and I loved it.
Afterwards, we messaged frequently, discussing my fantasies and what she would do to me next time. I realised I was falling for her.
She is my dream woman because she totally gets who I am and what makes me tick sexually.
We met again, and I also paid for her to have a spa day and bought her some lovely clothes as a gift.
Then she asked if I could loan her money for a flat deposit and rent.
She said she needed it in cash, so I withdrew it from my savings account for her.
It was money I was putting aside for a holiday with my partner, so I need it back.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
But, since then, she has started to muck me around, often cancelling our sessions.
I realised she was seeing other guys, too, which made me insanely jealous.
There's no sign of my money. She was supposed to pay me back monthly. Now, when I contact her, she ghosts me. Have I been taken for a fool?
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm afraid to say it does sound like you've been used.
This woman took advantage of your sexual needs to get money and gifts. Now she has what she wants, she is no longer interested in a relationship.
I would assume that, sadly, you will never see the money again.
You need to decide whether you're going to tell your partner the truth about why you don't have your share for your holiday.
The fact you have cheated on her because you are not sexually compatible shows your relationship is already in trouble.
She may not forgive you. But the alternative is to continue to lie and be sexually frustrated.
Specialist counselling could help you. Contact cosrt.org.uk for sex therapy and read my support pack, Fetish Worries, for more advice.
NEW MAN'S HOARDING AND SCRUFFINESS PUT ME OFF
DEAR DEIDRE: THE guy I have started dating is kind, intelligent and hardworking, but his hoarding habit is putting me off.
His house is so dirty it's unpleasant to visit. And he doesn't look after himself.
Can I change him, or should I walk away before I fall any deeper?
We're both divorced and in our early 40s. We've been dating for a few months.
Since we met online, we have talked every day. He really gets me and is so funny and interesting.
But the first time we met, I was shocked at how scruffy he looks.
His clothes were old and tatty, and his hair was lank.
When I went to his home, it was like an obstacle course, with piles everywhere.
I don't understand why he takes no pride in himself.
We haven't slept together yet, and it's partly because I'm holding back.
And his unkempt appearance makes me too embarrassed to introduce him to my friends. In many ways, he's my perfect man. But
I can't take things further unless he sorts himself out. So what should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: There's a difference between being untidy and a hoarder.
It sounds like he has lived alone for a long time and isn't aware how off-putting his appearance and home are.
Perhaps he has been depressed or has experienced a trauma. Or maybe he genuinely doesn't care.
You could be honest and kindly tell him you would like to help him sort out his possessions to make his home more comfortable. If he's receptive you could then make some tentative suggestions around his appearance.
Show him a hairstyle you think would suit him.
But it's unlikely you're going to be able to change him entirely. Nor should you want to. He needs to change for himself, not just to please you.
Take a look at the charity Hoarding UK (hoardinguk.org) for more information and advice.
You'd be wise to hold back on the romance for now, and be a friend to him instead.
THANK YOU FOR PULLING ME BACK FROM BRINK
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER years of bad luck – failed relationships, ill-health, being bullied, job losses and bereavements – I felt my life had been cursed.
I was so depressed and anxious that I stopped making an effort, preferring to sleep all day and get up at night. I felt unable to assert myself with anyone.
At 56, I realised I was on the brink of becoming suicidal and that I was only keeping going for my dog, so I wrote to you. You were so understanding and gave me such detailed advice.
You suggested my feelings were deeply rooted in the past, and that I'd somehow come to think my needs weren't as important as other people's.
You advised me to think about counselling, so I could understand the patterns my life had followed, and learn ways to deal differently with setbacks.
Your support pack, How Counselling Can Help, was so useful.
You also sent me Widening Your Social Scene, for when I felt able to think about socialising again.
Just writing things down was cathartic, and your wise advice so helpful. I was pleasantly surprised that you corresponded with me several times.
I know things won't get better overnight, but I have more clarity and feel so much more positive. Thank you.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm glad I helped you to explore your issues and think about ways to improve your situation. Be kind to yourself.
I'm always here for you.
TEENAGE TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: I THINK my ex-boyfriend might have raped me, but I'm not sure if I'm overreacting.
One night, when I didn't want sex, he wouldn't listen and kept on going.
I can't stop thinking about it.
We're both 19 and we were together for two years.
The night it happened, I was very tired and not in the mood.
I kept saying no and tried to push him away, but he wouldn't stop. In the end, I just lay there and sobbed until he finished. Was it a sexual assault? I didn't fight back very hard, so I'm not sure.
DEIDRE SAYS: You said no to sex, and he wouldn't stop. That is rape.
It's in no way your fault for not fighting back. He is the only one in the wrong.
Please talk to someone about what happened and think about reporting him.
My support pack, Have You Been Raped?, has details of organisations that can help.
BOOZE RELEASES MONSTER
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time I get drunk, I verbally abuse my wife and accuse her of flirting with strangers.
I'm ashamed to admit I call her dreadful names and say horrible things that I regret the next morning.
We're both in our late 40s and have been married for 18 years. I love her very much.
I can go for days without a drink. But then, when I start, I don't seem to be able to stop.
It's when I get home that the torrent of abuse comes out. I even scare myself.
I'm so jealous and convinced that my wife has been cheating, even though she's never done anything to make me believe that.
She always forgives me, even though I don't deserve it. And each time it happens, I promise I will never do it again, but I can't control it.
One beer turns into a skinful and the monster inside me comes out.
I don't understand why I'm like this. What can I do to change? I'm scared that I'm going to lose her forever.
DEIDRE SAYS: You may not be an alcoholic, but you have an alcohol problem.
When you drink, you're unable to control your ability to stop and it makes you abusive.
It's good you've asked for help before you wreck your marriage entirely.
This isn't something you can stop alone. You need professional support.
Please make an appointment with your GP and say you want help with an alcohol issue.
The charity wearewithyou.org.uk is an excellent resource for advice and local help.
My Drink Problem support pack should also assist. And tell your wife, so she can be there for you.
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