I was zombie £300-a-night coke addict who snorted while pregnant & let kids fend for themselves – but I didn't care
ZOEY Clarke used to make sure her two children were in bed by 7pm sharp.
But, unlike most mothers, her motivation wasn't so that her kids were well rested for a busy day at school - no, Zoey wanted them away from her so she could binge on drugs.
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Shockingly, Zoey admits she was so addicted to the Class A drug that she snorted it while pregnant with her daughter Storm, now 15.
'I look back now and can't believe the person I became in the grips of my addiction," Zoey, a hairdresser who lives in Chessington, with Storm and son Sonny, 19, told Fabulous.
'I loved my kids but I neglected them. They had takeaways every night – McDonalds and Domino's were favourites and I'd give them sweets and chocolate whenever they wanted it.
Neglected children
'To my shame Storm's teeth were so decayed by the time she was three from all the junk food that she needed every single tooth removed.
"I lied and said she had a healthy diet and must just be susceptible to sugar. I was a master at lies and deceit and manipulation – every addict is.'
Thankfully Zoey's been clean now for eight years - but admits that every waking moment used to revolve around her cocaine habit.
'I didn't have time for my children, all I could think about was taking drugs,' she says.
'There were never bedtime stories, I'd hustle them into bed and then I'd stay up all night, taking £300 worth of cocaine.
'In the morning I'd have my first of eight red bulls, take the kids to school, still high, invariably forgetting their packed lunch – I'd turn up with a bacon sandwich at school later.
'I'd pick them up late, I missed mufti days and forgot permission slips for school trips.
'It was chaos, the school must have realised something was wrong, but I don't think they knew how to tackle it.
'After school I'd take them to buy some vouchers for their gaming devices, and then get them a takeaway, and make sure they were in bed by 7pm – I wanted them shut away from me.'
Zoey is now rebuilding her relationships with her children - but it has been a long journey.
Decaying teeth
'I feel so lucky that they've stood by me, but rebuilding the relationships was tough,' she says.
'Sonny only told me he loved me for the first time a few months ago.
'They were understandably full of resentment, I wasn't there for him, I never even helped with their homework or took them to the playground.
'There was nothing normal about their childhood as recovery isn't easy either. I had to learn to be a mum to them and earn their trust that the 'new' version of me was here to stay. And even now they worry about my health.'
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Their worries are justified.
On March 15th Zoey had her fourth stroke. Her first was in 2020 and she had two more in 2021 and 2022.
Doctors have told her it's due to the abuse she put her body through while in the grips of addiction.
She remembers: 'We'd been for a day out in Brighton and I was cooking supper, I picked up the saucepan with rice in it and my hand started shaking, I sat down feeling horrendous and my whole arm started tingling.
'I knew what was happening, and a friend drove me straight to the hospital where I stayed in the high dependency unit for two days.
'I'm recovering but my arm is still weak. I've been put on new meds and I just have to hope that I won't have another one.
'But it's hard for them, seeing me in a hospital bed and we're all aware that strokes can be fatal.'
Zoey's addiction started in 1997 when she was just 17 and met her ex-partner, the father of her children.
She says: 'I'd tried drugs a couple of years earlier on a night out and hated it.
'But this time I took a line with a rolled up bus ticket in the loos of a pub and I loved it. I felt euphoric.
'At the time a lot of friends used recreationally and it didn't seem like a big deal.'
However Zoey soon started using it regularly and within six months she was addicted.
She says: 'I can't explain why as I didn't really enjoy it – the image is that it's a party drug.
'But I'd use on my own, taking it at work – I had various jobs from being a barmaid to running a sunbed salon – it was all day every day, lining it up on the sunbeds or in the toilet.
'I'd go home to my partner at night and carry on.
'Over the years I tried to stop many times – I hated using. I went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings and I longed to be clean, but I couldn't find anything that worked.'
In desperation in May 2005 Zoey tried to take her own life – she felt it was the only way she could stop.
Her partner found her and she pulled through but was sectioned and then went into residential rehab for 12 weeks.
Many people would question why Zoey chose to have children when she fell pregnant shortly after getting out of rehab.
She explains: 'I was clean at the time and I had severe endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome and I'd always desperately wanted children and it felt like my only chance.
'I was under the care of social services because of my suicide attempt and I had drug tests throughout my pregnancy and afterwards.
'When Sonny was born he was put into the custody of my parents and so I left the flat I shared with my partner and moved in with them.
'I wish I could say I bonded with Sonny, but I struggled. I wasn't in the right place mentally after all I'd been through. After a year social services allowed me to have custody of Sonny and I moved back in with my partner.
'To my shame I started using again, I hadn't tackled the root causes of my addiction and so I fell of the wagon. I only took it once he was asleep, telling myself that it was OK if he didn't see me high.
'I cared for him in that I'd always change his nappies and he was fed regularly – but it was just the basics.
'As an addict you don't even love yourself, let alone anyone else. I just existed.'
And when she fell pregnant with Storm she kept on using.
How cocaine destroys your health, face and life
The nose
One of the most recognisable signs of cocaine overuse is a collapsed nose.
The drug is snorted via the nose. Because it is a vasoconstrictor, meaning it narrows the blood vessels, blood flow is reduced.
As the nasal tissue becomes starved of oxygen in the blood, it becomes damaged.
FRANK, a national drug advisory service, says: 'Over time, snorting cocaine damages the cartilage in your nose that separates your nostrils.
'Heavy users can lose this cartilage and end up with one large nostril and a misshapen nose.'
Users may also have difficulty with breathing and damage to nasal passages can also lead to chronic sinus infections.
The mouth and facial deformity
Chronic cocaine use doesn't only affect the nose - it can also harm the roof of the mouth or the hard palate, causing palatal perforation, according to UK Addiction Treatment Centres.
Palatal perforation can lead to severe issues, such as difficulty speaking or voice changes, problems with eating and drinking and higher risk of infections due to the open gap between the nose and mouth.
With the potential loss of nose cartilage, destruction of nasal tissue and sinuses and the mouth, the face may change shape with chronic cocaine use.
Use of the drug can also cause the face to bloat and eyes to become bloodshot.
Mental health
Regular use of cocaine can dampen a person's mood.
It can make them feel depressed, run down, anxious or paranoid, FRANK warns.
It says: 'Cocaine can bring previous mental health problems to the surface too, and if a relative has had mental health problems, there might be an increased risk for you.'
Infections
Constant cocaine use will weaken your body's immune system.
This makes it harder to fight off any infection - or blood-borne diseases that may occur when sharing needles.
Heart
The heart comes under a lot of pressure from cocaine use.
It increases blood clots, which in turn can lead to heart attacks, pulmonary embolisms, strokes and deep vein thrombosis.
'It can also cause inflammation and death of the heart muscle, deterioration of the heart's ability to contract, as well as aortic ruptures, angina and permanently increased blood pressure,' says the Priory Group.
Life-ruining
The impact of cocaine use goes beyond obvious health issues.
It can cause social withdrawal, financial problems, loss of job or reputation and risky behaviour, such as unsafe sex or driving when high.
If you or someone you know is struggling with cocaine use, seeking professional help is crucial to prevent further harm.
Try visiting Talk to FRANK, the NHS website, Narcotics Anonymous or Cocaine Anonymous.
She says: 'I tried so hard not to, and be clean for a few days but then I'd succumb, I hated myself but I couldn't stop.
'I wanted to be a proper mum – a loving and supportive one like my mum had been to me.
'But addiction ruled my life. I was half a person, staying up taking line after line all night and a zombie during the day fuelled by Red Bull and Nurofen for my crippling headaches. I could barely get the kids up.'
It was tragedy that started Zoey on the path to getting clean.
She says: 'A good friend had terminal breast cancer, she was fighting so hard to live and be around for her son.
'Sadly she lost the battle. It made me realise I was wrecking my body and wouldn't be alive for my kids if I carried on.
I'm very lucky that they've forgiven me for the neglect they went through
Zoey Clarke
'On December 30th 2017 I looked at my children at the kitchen table, they looked so worried and the house was a tip. A switch flipped in my head and I knew I couldn't do it to them anymore.
'They deserved a proper mum, who loved and cared for them.'
On New Year's day Zoey split up with her ex and asked her mum and doctor for help – she's been clean ever since.
She says: 'I asked my mum for support. I knew I needed someone to be accountable to so I asked her to drug test me three times a week.
'She's always been there for me, she used to help with the children and we're very close. I can't say it was easy either mentally or physically but slowly with therapy I got there and started being the mum my children deserved.'
Physically the drug took its toll. Zoe was diagnosed with diabetes, as she hadn't looked after her diet at all while using and she's also got a hole in her nose.
But she's doing all she can to stay fit and healthy – she's careful with her diet and monitors her blood sugar and takes insulin.
She also does Facebook Lives every week to help other people struggling with addiction.
And most importantly she spends quality time with her children.
'I'm so proud of them,' she says. 'I'm very lucky that they've forgiven me for the neglect they went through.
"I look at myself now and think you selfish disgusting human being, they didn't deserve it, no child does.
'That's why I'm speaking out. I'm in no doubt about the way drugs have affected my children. I live with it every day.
'Your children might not see you using or understand why their life isn't normal. But they know it isn't and suffer.'
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