‘I'm 29 and I dread going on toxic lads holiday'

Metro

2 days ago

Matt Spraggett's heart dropped when he got the WhatsApp notification. He'd been added to yet another lads' holiday group, this time inviting him to Valencia, and his first thought was 'what can I do to get out of it?'
It wasn't the location or even the people that made his stomach lurch, but the idea of going on a 'boys tour'.
The 29-year-old advertising executive from London has been on his fair share of lads' trips, downing shots in Zante, Spain and Thailand, among other places. He's also been on stag holidays in the UK and abroad – but, he admits, he's had enough.
'It's my worst nightmare. When I'm on holiday I love to go and party, but when it's a boys' trip, I have to really prepare myself beforehand,' Matt tells Metro. 'I dread it. It's just not what I want to be doing anymore. I like partying, just not every single day of the holiday. It's the daily grind of the session. It's exhausting.'
Matt experiences a nervous feeling in his belly and rushes of anxiety through his body in the weeks leading up to the trip.
'I find myself almost hoping a family event will magically appear on the calendar so I don't have to go. It's not that I actively try to sabotage the trip, but there's definitely a part of me that secretly hopes for a legitimate excuse to back out,' he explains. 'It's a bit pathetic, but the anxiety of going is often worse than the guilt of potentially letting the guys down.'
There is an 'unspoken pressure' to prove yourself in groups of men – 'to show that you're still one of the boys,' Matt adds.
'It's like you have to constantly reaffirm your masculinity by engaging in these stereotypical behaviours like drinking too much, acting tough or being the joker in the room.
'There's definitely a fear of being excluded [if you don't join in], or being seen as the 'boring' one or the 'wet blanket.' You don't want to be the guy who's left out of the inside jokes or the future trips. It's that primal need to belong to a group, to be accepted by your peers. But sometimes I feel I compromise on my true self to be one of the group.'
There's barely a week goes by without a story of drunk, rowdy holiday makers on planes, and while Matt has never experienced this, he admits he's struck by 'second hand embarrassment'.
'I could not think of anything worse than being in the air on a rowdy plane when the poor staff are just trying to fly people back home,' he says.
Not only is it the the noise and the excess that gets to him, it's the casual racism and misogyny and just general lack of care or respect for people outside the group that bothers Matt.
'You've always got that one that thinks he's Jay from the Inbetweeners with the vulgar language and that's how they think they should behave and talk,' he explains.
'It can be catcalling, shouting out about girls' appearances, jokes about women, a little grab here or there… But it's not just misogyny, it's racism as well. It's totally unacceptable, but such a common thing in these big party environments.'
Matt isn't the only one who feels this way, either. According to new data from mental health charity CALM, over two thirds of young men secretly dread group holidays.
Their research of 2,000 men aged 18-35 with First Choice holidays has found that over half 18-35s (53%) make excuses to dodge the trip and of those that do go, 81% feel pressured to act macho.
The findings also revealed that two thirds can't keep up with the excessive partying and a 'go hard or go home' mentality, while more than half struggle with 'hangxiety' – post booze panic, racing thoughts and regret.
One boys' tour survivor tells Metro: 'There's nothing that fills me with more dread than someone two minutes into a holiday shouting 'What happens on tour stays on tour!' Airport lagers for breakfast or shouting 'oi oi' at any girl that is unfortunate enough to happen by.'
Another reveals: 'I begrudgingly went on my ex brother-in-law's stag do to Tenerife and had the absolute worst time. All anyone wanted to do was look for fights, stick €10 notes down girls' bras and snort coke. The levels of bravado and ego were off the scale.'
Meanwhile, one man told Metro that he discovered a 'lad' he went on a recent trip with makes a habit of peeing on a random bed in whichever hotel room he's sharing within minutes of arrival. 'The last one into the room has to have that bed,' he explains. 'It's every time they have a lads holiday.'
Of course, not all men-only holidays are like this, but there is something about the heady cocktail of tins, temperature and testosterone that causes mayhem, as a number of cities, including Edinburgh, Amsterdam and Prague have taken steps to cut down on rowdy behaviour by banning nighttime pub crawls, tightening licensing laws and opening hours and closing strip clubs.
After all, when you're drunk, you can make some really daft decisions. Like the men from Middlesborough who didn't even plan a lads' trip but after a night out woke up in Thailand with a carrier bag full of t-shirts and boxer shorts.
'Sometimes it can feel like you have to fit a certain mould on a lads' holiday – to be louder, wilder, or act in ways that don't quite feel like you. But the truth is, there's no one way to spend time with your mates,' Simon Gunning, CEO of CALM, tells Metro.
Although Matt often feels embarrassed by his mates' behaviour, he doesn't want to be the one in charge of policing them or parenting the badly-behaved, which is why he ends up grinning and bearing it.
'There are so many egos, and then alcohol gets involved and things get tribal,' he tells Metro.
Matt adds that it's also awkward knowing that the locals despise big groups of rowdy fellas on holiday. 'Everything is so loud and everyone's eyes are on you. If you're abroad, you know the locals aren't going to like you,' he says. 'We've got a bad rep as Brits abroad. You don't need to be walking down the street chanting like you're on the way to the FA Cup Final. You just want everyone to calm down a bit.'
He has seen aggression on several occasions too, either within the group or with one group against another. More than once he has seen violence erupt over something tiny like a spilled drink. 'You're aware of the tension in the air and are just waiting for things to kick off. It's not really what you want from a holiday.'
And there's the peer pressure. Matt remembers an early lads' holiday in Greece where he chugged a death shot (four units of mixed spirits) against his better judgement just to put a stop to the chanting and jeering. He roundly vomited in the corner of the club before continuing with his night.
'If you're spending a lot of money to go abroad, I would like to go somewhere where I see more of it, make a few more memories outside of the crazy night out and the wasted hungover days,' he says.
In the Valencia WhatsApp group, suggestions to take in a bit of culture or education have already been dismissed and Matt knows he will return feeling ill, tired and emptied out.
'Sometimes lads' trips feel rooted in nostalgia – where you're expected to fall back into an old persona with friends you may have outgrown, rather than being able to enjoy something more meaningful or reflective of who you are now,' he explains. 'You go abroad and the places are just so tailored to the lads' holiday experience, that you don't really see the country. And you don't want to be the guy that suggests going to the science exhibition or the museum.
'There's never any option to dip out of the night,' he adds. 'So you just laugh it off and plow on through. It's just not what I would choose from a holiday.'
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