When, and when not, to tip

Boston Globe

03-06-2025

T.Z.
/ Brookline
Tipping isn't required for takeout items, although if your order is elaborate, or if you are a regular customer, it's a good practice to leave change or a spare dollar for coffee or 10 percent of the bill for food.
The proliferation of payment machines with preset tip amounts that can go ridiculously high, especially on small items such as coffee (suggesting a $5 tip on a $10 tab, for example), is vile and extortionate. Good on you for pushing back. I'd urge you to go whole-hog—because, really, life is too short to half-hog it — and pay in cash rather than using the machines at all. If you wanted to go double-hog, to extend a metaphor I already regret, you could stop frequenting places that push obnoxiously high tips and write to the management about why. Under no circumstances should you take your irritation out on the counter staff, but you know that.
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If your friend is so suggestible and so easily embarrassed that she is ashamed to be in the company of one who would correct a machine, you've probably had other bumpy patches in your relationship. Good luck working through this one.
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I'm sure you're familiar with the virtual introduction, where you say to a friend, 'Can you introduce me to So-and-So?' Recently, I asked a friend for a virtual introduction — and that friend thrust me into So-and-So's mailbox without contacting him first and giving him the chance to opt out. It just seems so rude, though I'm sure my friend does not mean it that way. Is there anything I can do as the 'thrustee' to help So-and-So understand that he can certainly say no thanks?
K.L.
/ Bellingham
Darling, you are worrying too much. You seem like a very nice person whom anyone would like to be introduced to. Yes, the pre-intro check-in is a nice courtesy, but it's possible your friend — who, after all, is the one who knows So-and-So — also knew that So-and-So would be just as eager to meet you and didn't have to ask. When contacting So-and-So you can simply add, 'If you have no time to meet, I thoroughly understand, so please don't be embarrassed to say no.'
Be specific about your desire for a check-in when asking for a virtual introduction, too, and give your friend some context for the request, so he can represent you accurately. 'Can you ask Such-and-Such [because you've already met So-and-So] if it would be all right to introduce me to her? I'm a fan of her work on telomeres and would love to show her my aglet collection' — something like that.
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And then don't worry. I hate to add yet another bit of etiquette jargon to the mix, but if the check-in on the virtual intro doesn't happen and So-and-So doesn't want to meet you, he will probably ghost. (Do you feel as if you're in a
Seinfeld
episode yet? Welcome to my world.)
Miss Conduct is Robin Abrahams, a writer with a PhD in psychology.