Your Valentine's crush could actually be a nasty case of limerence

Independent

07-02-2025

Limerence is a term you may not be familiar with. It describes an involuntary, uncontrollable and obsessive desire for another person. This fixation can lead to significant distress, disrupting daily life, and may have negative impacts on other people too.
Limerence can affect anyone, but is more likely to occur in people with anxiety or depression. It is thought to affect 4%-5% of the general population, although this is very hard to measure.
The term was coined by behavioural psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her 1979 book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. She described it as a unique psychological phenomenon, different from falling in love, which is driven by an uncontrollable desire for another person – the 'limerent object'.
Anyone can become a limerent object to someone with the condition – whether they are a friend, colleague or total stranger. These feelings are almost always unrequited because a core feature of limerence is the uncertainty of another's feelings.
The time in which a person is experiencing these feelings is referred to as a 'limerent episode'. The length of a limerent episode differs from person to person.
For some people, such as those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), it can be particularly intense as infatuation combines with traits such as hyperfocus – an intense fixation on an interest or activity for an extended period of time, which will be familiar to many neurodiverse people.
What causes limerence?
There is still some academic discussion as to whether limerence is 'natural', as originally suggested by Tennov in her book. Others scholars point to its negative impact on daily life, including a person's mental health, and potentially to the other person. It's also important to note that limerence is not a formal diagnosis.
A person in a state of limerence idolises their limerent object, fixating on their positive traits while denying any flaws. Their emotions become dependent on perceived signs of interest or rejection, leading to extreme highs and lows.
They will think about their limerent object continually – which can feel exciting and fun, especially if their feelings are reciprocated. In such cases, it may be difficult to recognise the limerent attachment type in a relationship, mistaking these feelings for the early stages of romantic love.
However, the intensity of limerence has negative consequences. A person in a state of limerence can experience intrusive thoughts, physical discomfort, intense and one-sided feelings, as well as obsessive-compulsive thoughts in relation to their limerent object. These characteristics distinguish limerence from crushes and similar conventional romantic feelings.
There are typically three stages of limerence. First, infatuation involving the initial attraction in which the person starts idealising someone.
Second, crystallisation, which is the fully limerent phase, where obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency and euphoria, or despair, dominate. And third, deterioration, when the attachment eventually fades.
Though limerence remains an under-researched topic, some studies suggest links with anxious attachment styles, when a person fears rejection and craves constant reassurance.
People with this attachment style often experience heightened emotional sensitivity and intense preoccupation with their partner's responses. These traits can make them more vulnerable to experiencing limerence, as they struggle to regulate emotions and detach from the object of their infatuation.
It may also affect a person's ability to develop and maintain healthy relationships, whether these are loving or platonic.
There is little psychological literature on how people experiencing limerence can regulate their emotions or break the cycle. In terms of external support, therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) may help.
ACT works by changing a person's relationship with their thoughts and feelings. Using a process known as 'cognitive diffusion', a person learns to notice their intrusive thoughts and detach from them. For those who experience limerence, this can make it easier for them to develop and maintain healthy relationships.
Is there a cure for limerence?
But while limerence can be overwhelming, recognising it for what it is, and not judging oneself for feeling this way, can be an important first step.
Second, practicing self-awareness is vital: understanding the triggers and patterns of limerent behaviour, and using this knowledge to build healthier foundations for future relationships.
Third, setting boundaries such as limiting exposure to the limerent object can help break the cycle of reinforcement. And fourth, practising self-compassion and patience, accepting these emotions without judgment while focusing on personal growth, may help to ease distress.
The internet has allowed more people to share their experiences of limerence, find community support and better understand themselves. But greater awareness and more research are needed to support people struggling with its effects – and to offer healthier ways of navigating attraction and attachment.